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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH suffocating me with overprotectiveness

27 replies

clickhere · 23/05/2009 15:57

DH is a kind, gentle, loving husband and father but tends to be overprotective. He is very thorough and always looks into what could go wrong when planning an outing etc. We have booked a house for the week for my mother's because we couldn't get a house for the weekend. My sister, bil and dh have taken Fri and Mon off but I then thought I could stay on with dd who is 21 months for a couple of extra days - sounds reasonable enough don't you think? My mother is a widow, in her seventies and this will be her only holiday of the year - she went away for 4 days last year. DH is now annoyed that I have changed the original plan, thinks 4 days is sufficient holiday for everyone and concerned about me getting back to London - from Bournemouth, not Outer Mongolia - with my mum, some luggage and dd on the train. He is now insisting on taking Thursday off work so he can come down and go back with us on the train. It feels like he thinks I can't do anything on my own. When I say that this little trip is nothing compared to a taking a flight somewhere he says we shouldn't compare ourselves to others. Feeling suffocated and annoyed. Apart from this sort of thing which doesn't come up much because we don't really go away we have a pretty good relationship. What are people's views on the way forward?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 23/05/2009 15:59

is he just being really helpful?

how has he pitched it to you?

Some peopel are naturally cautious - i am one of them and am always over prepared for any eventuality

Original poster
clickhere · 23/05/2009 16:03

Thanks ruby. You are right, he is being naturally cautious but the result is that almost every little thing I do with dd has to be discussed with him, to the extent that I can hardly remember the last decision I took on my own. He is most concerned about soemthing happening to dd and did suggest he return with dd which didn't seem like a great thing for me, my mother or dd. Surely you have to look at a new situation, assess any potential difficulties and try to cater for them? I've already found out that they have black cabs down there so can take the pram in it etc. If I need help at the station I'll just have to wait and ask someone. Isn't this how normal people act?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 23/05/2009 16:06

yes - logically he does know htere are cabs and people to help you but the illogical side discount this IYSWIM

have you spoken to him at all?

Original poster
clickhere · 23/05/2009 16:11

We've been "talking" about it for 4 days and him coming down on Thursday is his latest suggestion. My sister is coming back on Thursday to pick up my mum so I don't have to keep an eye on her on the train as well and she can take most of our luggage. We're not going in her car as it's not one of the latest models with airbag etc so he's worried that we could be hurt without protection in the car if we had an accident which is fair enough but because of these concerns we are taking the car. My mum's been having treatement for cancer and it's a special birthday so he feels I'm emotionally blackmailing him. I just think most reasonable people would think it's a reasonable thing to want to do. I think he's annoyed at the change from a weekend to a few extra days - on principle because he doesn't really like to go on holiday - and his concern about what could happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
clickhere · 23/05/2009 16:12

Sorry - because of these concerns we are taking the train.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 23/05/2009 16:13

he does sound fairly obssesive - yes it is good to be concerend about safety but actually airbags are no good for babies in carseats!

i think if you are feeling suffocated then you need to tell him - he needs to find ways of managing his behaviour

Quattrocento · 23/05/2009 16:17

Sounds beyond odd to me. Honestly it sounds absurd. One child, a couple of bags and a mother on a direct line to London. It's a walk in the park. He is just being ridiculously silly and you should laugh at him and get the train when you feel like it.

And tell him not to bother arguing - it just wastes time and breath and emotional energy.

Original poster
clickhere · 23/05/2009 16:19

I have tried to suggest this - saying that I feel don't feel very empowered and comparing what others seem able to do. He just then spouts some extreme example of what others do to demonstrate how you can't compare yourself to others. I was so pissed off the other day that I suggested counselling which really alarmed him. It just feels as though we go through the same rigmarole when any new situation arises. The problem is that he is very thorough and I could probably be more thorough. I just want to get to a situation of what is reasonable. Thanks for your suggestions.

OP posts:
MsMaggieBeauregarde · 23/05/2009 16:21

Tell him to read Henrik Ibsen's The Dolls House. He sounds a bit controlling to me, as well as protective, and extemely inflexible. You can't be the only person to be frustrated with his lack of flexibility.

Original poster
clickhere · 23/05/2009 16:22

Quattro - thanks for your comment - would that it were that easy.

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 23/05/2009 16:23

Hang on a moment, you say you don't feel empowered. What do you mean? What exactly is stopping you from getting on the train? See it sounds to me as though you are buying into the idea that this should be a matter for discussion and compromise. Because it isn't. You have a right to travel wherever and however you want to.

Sorry if this is too strident for you, but really, it's breathtaking.

Sparkletastic · 23/05/2009 16:30

He sounds like he is taking overprotectiveness to an extreme and seems borderline neurotic and / or controlling. Have you been together long? I think you need to reassure him about your arrangements but in a very assertive way to remind him that you are an adult and equally as capable in caring for your DD. I think if you continually pander to his 'what ifs' and desire not to leave you and DD with anyone but him he will get worse so don't relent.

bronze · 23/05/2009 16:38

I actually think he needs help of some sort. This isn't just cautiousness (my mum was a worry wort so am used to that) this sounds more extreme. It does also seem that you allowing his behaviour. And the rest of what I was going to say it what Sparkletastic just said.

Original poster
clickhere · 23/05/2009 16:39

Thanks for your comments. I have tried to tell him that I am equally as capable as dd but if he is prepared to inconvenience himself by taking time out to come and help us back, how can I stop him? Some friends with husbands who are not as involved think it's just that he really cares and that I'm lucky to have someone so supportive. Do you think counselling would help?

OP posts:
fucksticks · 23/05/2009 16:39

I agree with Quattro.
You say you cant remember the last time you made a decision of your own.. start now!
Tell him that you appreciate he is concerned, but that you are going to stay a couple of extra days with your Mum because you really want to and because you are 100% sure it will be fine.
Tell him you are prepared to compromise with him and take the train rather than getting a lift with your sister if that would make him feel better but apart from that its not up for further discussion.

What would he say if you said that?
Would he not 'allow' you to go?
If thats the case then you are looking at a controlling manipulative DH rather than an overprotective one... could he be hiding his control over you behind 'overprotectiveness'?

Original poster
clickhere · 23/05/2009 16:40

Freudian slip - equally capable of taking care of dd.

OP posts:
bronze · 23/05/2009 16:40

Oh and Quattro is right even if I wouldn't put it that bluntly

Now I'm nervous and more rightly so. As in three weeks I'm flying on my own with a new baby to a country where I don't speak the language and have never been before. But as an adult have weighed up the risks myself and am going

fucksticks · 23/05/2009 16:44

Are you a SAHM?
Could you ease him in to you being more independent by doing more adventurous things while he is at work?
Maybe plan a trip to visit somewhere on a train one day and then when he gets home tell him what you did and what a great day you had... so he has no time to stop you in advance but can see that you survived iyswim!

Original poster
clickhere · 23/05/2009 16:51

I am a SAHM. If I did do something like that during the day he would be horrified - but maybe I should still do it. He just feels that she is our daughter and his feelings should be taken into account.

OP posts:
solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 23/05/2009 16:51

What you have to bear in mid is that you don't need his 'permission' to do things. He's not your owner. And his behaviour is ridiculous and disproportionate and needs to be stamped on.
You can either simply refuse to go along with his silliness and gently tease him about it: if there is plenty of respect and affection in your relationship and what is wrong with him is general worrywartishness, sympathetic understanding coupled with a calm insistence on doing what you want to do may get him to loosen up.
However if this is more a matter of him being controlling, be prepared for him to get unpleasant and possibly aggressive if you assert yourself. DOn't back down, though. He will either have to adjust his attitude or you will have to reconsider the relationship. It is a very very bad idea to allow a man to assume that you need his permission to do things and that he is the 'head of the household'.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/05/2009 17:01

"Some friends with husbands who are not as involved think it's just that he really cares and that I'm lucky to have someone so supportive. Do you think counselling would help?"

I think your friends don't really know what he is like. He is also being very unfair and selfish to bring his daughter into his argument, it guilt trips you and it is manipulative behaviour on his part to boot.

If your H is controlling then counselling would be of no benefit whatsoever. Such men can run rings around the counsellor and make out their behaviour to be your fault.

If you have counselling I would go on your own to such a session and certainly not with him in attendance.

If you keep enabling him as you have done, he will become worse. It worries me that he wants to come and meet you and bring you both back into London (why?) rather than you and DD being able to get the train. There are power and control issues going on here and you ignore that at your emotional peril.

You may want to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. This is about controlling behaviours.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/05/2009 17:04

What's he like with your family, does he get along with them?.

What about socialising, is he okay with you going out for an occasional social evening with your female friends?.

bronze · 23/05/2009 17:06

thats a point it would be a good giveaway as to whether its fear about dd or him just being plain controlling

Original poster
clickhere · 23/05/2009 17:58

He's fine with my family and with me socialising - it's really just a question of fear for dd. Have just spoken to him and said that I was concerned that he had got things way out of proportion and that I thought he had a problem if he didn't think it was safe for me to return with dd on the train. He has accepted this - albeit reluctantly - so feel much better. Thanks for all your advice.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/05/2009 18:04

He needs to speak with his GP regarding his anxiety and overprotectiveness because it will affect you all as a family to all your detriment (it is already) if this issue is not properly addressed. It needs addressing and soon.