Need advice on how to talk to DP about parenting

[MooShake]

Me and my DP are moving in together in a few weeks time. We both have a DS each aged 12 who will be living together.

They get on ok but there is a lot of winding up/attention seeking from both boys.

DP and I decided to introduce a set of rules which would apply to both boys that would ensure they were treated the same and knew where they stood.

One of which was the name-calling/winding up rule. Both boys accepted that this will stop. A few minutes after the discussion, we heard my DS calling his DS a "cry baby" in the garden. DS was brought inside and told off and sent to his room ... DS then came downstairs with a notice board which had scrawled across it "DS IS THE GAYEST KID IN THE WORLD".

DS said "so, what are you going to do about this then?"

It was obvious DSS had written it.

DP looked at it and said "I don't even think that is DSS's writing" trying to make out that DS had written it himself. I knew full well DS hadn't done it as his writing would not have been so neat due to a disability he has. DP would insist that he could do nothing about the noticeboard as he "had no proof" that his son had done it.

DSS later admitted that he had done it.

The point I'm making is that DP is constantly favouring DSS over DS. Ok, so it is natural to favour your own child but when it comes to discipline, I don't think it can continue. I need to speak with him in a non-accusary way about how he always favours his DS because it WILL come between us.

Like for instance, another rule is that the kids cannot leave the table until they have finished their meal. So last night ... DS came into the living room to tell us that the cat had eaten something dropped from his plate. He got into trouble for leaving the table and sent back.

His DS then came into the living room to tell us about something which had happened at school that day and DP sat there and had a conversation with him about it!

It's different rules all the time and it's already causing problems.

Another one ... DS walked past DSS and said "aww poor you, having to go to school when I don't" and laughed. DSS then shoved him hard against the snaketank and cut his arm. DP laughed and said "well he was winding him up ... "

Ok so he shouldn't be winding him up, but that doesn't give his son the right to turn physical, surely?

So, how would I bring these issues up without sounding like an over-protective mum that wants my own son favoured?

How about showing him exactly what you've written here? You sound perfectly reasonable to me!

But I think he's keeping stuff from me. Like yesterday his son was in a foul mood all day, DP reckoned he didn't know what was wrong with him. I went out for a couple of hours, came back and his DS was a good mood again ... I asked DP if he'd mentioned why he was upset earlier and DP wouldn't look me in the eye, he stuttered, went very quiet for a few seconds and then said "no, it's just his age I think".

Personally I think it was something to do with me/DS and whilst we were out, DP had promised him something to make up for it.

I say to DP "is there ANYTHING concerning you about us moving in together or anything you want to discuss?" and he says "no, I'm absolutely fine with everything". He must have some concerns, surely?

I ask "is DSS fine with everything?" and he looks away, goes quiet and then says "yes, I think so" and I know full well he is hiding something.

Mooshake,

How long have you all known each other?.

I would NOT be moving in under these particular circumstances but remain in your own residence. There are problems here beneath the surface which need far more discussion with everyone concerned. There are problems with regards to the children (who needs are of paramount importance, I wonder if your partner has thought this through properly); they cannot or will not get along with each other currently. The fighting will certainly escalate once you both move in.

Re this comment too:-
I ask "is DSS fine with everything?" and he looks away, goes quiet and then says "yes, I think so" and I know full well he is hiding something.

That is itself very telling of something being wrong here. It may be that his own son does not want you both to move in; he may also feel that you are taking him away from his Dad. Your partner therefore needs to be far more open otherwise this will not work anyway.

At the very least the four of you need to sit down and talk openly about your proposed move in. If this has not happened to date it certainly needs to asap.

mooshake - I have read your other thread about this, and TBH it really sounds as if you are not at a stage where you are all ready to move in together. I get the feeling that the boys would find it really difficult and that there are lots of issues and insecurities on both sides.

Is it really necessary for you to move in together? You may well be setting yourself up for a lot of stress and trouble.

DOn't move in together, at least not yet. It's not fair on either of these boys. Please bear in mind that it's quite a lot to expect of them, that they should be friends just because their respective parents have formed a couple-relationship, and if they actively dislike each other, trying to force them into a closer relationship will make them very unhappy and also make for a tense and miserable home for all of you.