Cultural Difference causing problems with MIL & DH - Long...sorry

[aoifesmama]

Hi All

This is probably going to make me sound like a cow but it is really upsetting me. DH is Ghanaian and is the only one in his family to marry someone not (I'm Irish, but brought up here). His family have always been openly supportive, but I know that they sometimes find the things I do strange (e.g. have a senior role in a school, stayed working until 39 weeks, am quite independant and not like woman are culturally in Ghana). I have a gorgeous DD 7 weeks ago and DH and I have a very happy marriage, which has overcome a lot of problems but all external ones rather than relationship ones. I know that they think that I have caused DH to change, and in some ways I have (e.g. he is now much more open minded and less quick tempered than he was and very very supportive of all the perceived non-wife like things I do) and I know they think we waited a long time to have a baby (we've been together 5 years, but I'm only 26!)

DH and I had discussed (and argued!) about his mum's role before DD was born. My mum died 6 years ago and was only 42 after a long illness, we were very close and I knew I would find it tough without her, exacerbated by MIL's involvement. ANyway, I had an emergency CS and MIL came over to bath DD each evening. DD became more and more hysterical about this, especially as MIL (and in Ghana tradition to be fair) is quite a lot rougher than me, refuses to listen that the bath water is too hot or that she is putting DD in too many clothes. I found this very very traumatic, but because I know DH wants his mum involved dealt with it every couple of nights (DH & I bath a very calm happy baby together on other nights and I love it). DH saw how upset I was and spoke to his mum who today came to visit during bath time and basically told me I was doing everything wrong (including lying DD on her changing mat on top of her changing table to clothe her - apparently not good for babies, this should be done on my knee?). I now feel like a. I dont want MIL around and b. maybe I'm doing everything wrong and hurting DD. (Also not BFing as emergency CS and low platelet levels meant ongoing complications in hospital and could not feed DD - MIL not happy about this, thinks Im mad)

Feel terrible as I worry that Im finding fault as I'm trying to not involve DH's mum because my mum's not around. Also when I go back to work in NOvember MIL will look after DD 4 days a week and feel like I cant say thats ok when her input now isnt. DH very supportive, but not sure what to do. Please help, feel terrible!

Oh God, you think you have problems now? wait until she is looking after your baby 4 days a week. You will have no say at all.

Can you not say you want her to socialise with other kids and put her in a nursery a couple of days a week at least?

You absolutely have to get your husband on side and make sure he supports you in saying how you want things to be done. If you let her dominate you now - you will never get out from under it.

Oh and you don't sound like a cow at all - your MiL is an interfering bat (and not necessarily down to cultural differences - lots of them are like that)

Oh and at least you got to give her a lovely Irish name!

I agree with mrsboogie. Get her into a nursery.
Don't worry about doing everything wrong either. If you and your daughter are comfortable with the way you bathe/dress and feed then you are doing it right. Just because it isn't MIL's way doesn't mean it is the wrong way. (And you can quote me on that)

Thank you! Made me smile, esp Irish name! DH is very good, just think he is a bit stuck, but did call her and tell her she was wrong etc etc. Will look into nurseries - and keep the quote at hand!!

If you can talk honestly to dh without it causing problems, then that's a good thing. He must be able to understand that you want your MIL involved, but it might take a bit of 'gentle management' from him rather than you. Do they have a good relationship, or will it cause problems between him and his mum if he talks to her about this?
I really do sympathise with you, my mum is also dead and it's very hard when you have a baby, it makes the hole she left so much bigger. I also have an African FIL and although he's a lovely man and I'm very fond of him he's said some things about my dd, who had very slow weight gain and colic, that really upset me at times. But that's another story! Good luck with your gorgeous baby xxx

Oh you poor thing. I'm Irish too, with a similar situation and I REALLY empathise with you. It's so difficult and my advice to you is to get strong. YOU ARE THE MAMMY!! Of course it's made even harder by the fact that your own mother isn't around to help you. I am quite introverted and found it VERY difficult when my first child was born to deal with my MIL. She is a very strong woman with little regard for boundaries and I lost count of the criticisms and recommendations. It's taken years for me to able to deal with her and now I mostly just let her have her say and then do it the way I want to. You need to grow a thick skin (easier said than done) but this is how you will survive. A helpful thing for me was to put myself in her shoes and then I felt pity for her. Good luck!

Putting your newborn in water that is too hot could seriously hurt her so that has to stop. You need to run the bath and lay out the clothes for the baby to wear.

Your MIL looking after your baby for 4 hours alone would be too much, imo, so 4 days is a no no.

I understand the conflict as I have no mother but a MIL but since my child was born in 2001 we have gradually got a better realtionship wrt the children and when I am there, what I say goes.

You have to talk to her and you need to lay ground rules now. If she takes offence, ignore her, she is acting like a spoilt toddler.

Your baby, your rules.

BTW the changing mat thing is daft. The baby could roll off your knee and it is better to have the baby on a firm surface when you are dressing her. The bed is another option if you felt you wanted to try another way.

You kow best as she is your baby.

I agree that you could be in for trouble with MIL looking after DD for four days, maybe you can compromise on one day a week? Even two would be too much! It may just give you, DH and DD an easier life.
I definitely identify with Ispy, it's a question of boundaries and some people don't have them! If you and DH can present a united front, and can steer granny in the right direction she will hopefully realise where she stands and you will all benefit.

I would use a nursery. You are asking for trouble having her look after your baby for 4 days.

I think that you need to sit down with your MIL and explain that you and your DH are going to bring up your DD in a manner that is customary in England, and according to scientifically-based best practice. Say that you are very happy for her to be an involved grandmother, but that she must adhere to your parenting practices re temperature of water, handling of baby etc.

Your MIL must not come over every day to perform routine care. And I agree with other posters - avoid problems and get your DD into a nursery (or employ a nanny).

Hi Aoifesmama
This sounds like a very tricky situation and you certainly don't want this level of input, or minding from your MIL, unless she agrees to do things in a way that you are happy with. Four days a week seems like a huge input into your child's upbringing, but while your MIL is difficult, she is family and your baby would be getting one-to-one care, which she will not get in a nursery. I know I am not going to popular for saying this but four days a week in a nursery for such a small baby is not ideal either. I know, because I have been there and took DD1 out after a month and got a childminder. I think the compromise that others have suggested of one day a week for your MIL and the rest with another kind of childcare might be the best option, but while your baby is so small I would go for a nanny (expensive I know) or a childminder. I have had very good experiences with childminders. Lovely name by the way (I am Irish too!)

Thanks all for the advice. DH is supportive (although sometimes think he finds it hard). He is the youngest of 5 by 8 years and the others are all very much traditional in their lives and parenting methods. Think he actually gets a lot more hassle than he tells me about e.g. a few days after coming out of hospital (DD was 1 week) MIL phoned to say she was coming over and we were in Mothercare - she went a bit mad and clearly thought I was mental. My SIL had a baby 2 days after me and hasnt been out of the house except to have baby weighed (DD is 7 weeks). I know its all about expectations and changing them, but I am not a particularly strong person and not good at conflict - will try to get better!

I know it is difficult and there is the cultural complication but you really need to deal with this sooner rather than later or

a) it will cause friction between you and your partner

b) she will get use to having her way and it will be harder to change the habits the longer it goes on

the reason I suggested a nursery rather than a childminder is that it is a good explanation for using alternative childcare - you want her mixing with other kids. You don't want to cause ill feeling.

I think that every time she says something you disagree with you should fairly and politely call her on it, don't let anything slide. You're the mummy!!