advice needed - starting to resent dh

[growingresentment]

Am a regular but have namechanged as I'm sure dh knows my mn name.

Have been with dh for years; he had a career change about 5 years ago to become a police officer. We have two dc's together.

I've always found it difficult to manage the amount of time dh has to work; his current shift pattern is a nightmare and he rarely sees the dc's as he always at work - I work 4 days a week and basically am responsible for juggling childcare, the home and everything that goes with it and my job. At the moment I just feel that we come second to his job.

Today just has just about pushed me over the edge.

He has gone into work on his day off - dc's have been desperate to see him; he promised it was only going to be for the morning but it ended up being the whole day. Got in exhausted as this is the 8th day that he's been at work and flaked out when I ran around and sorted out the house and tried to put the dc's to bed.

Finish off stories and find dh sitting at the kitchen table reading the paper whilst the kitchen still needs tidying up - cue me feeling really resentful and starting to feel really stressed. I can't eat when I get stressed so couldn't bear to sit down and have dinner with him.

If it wasn't for his work he would be perfect; he is loving, generous and romantic, but sometimes I feel like we are second best

Normally I just about manage to deal with it - but I've had a really tough week at work and just feel like I'm doing it all by myself.

Sorry for the epic - think I just need to let of steam.

Does he know how you feel?

yes - I tried talking to him last night after he decided to give the dc's a load of sweets and then go out for a run before bathtime leading to all kinds of chaos...

we've talked about it on and off for the last 4 years; its a case of accept that the job is like this for now or he changes his job, but tbh he would change his job if he knew it was coming between us that much - but it is the first time in his life he's had a job that he loves and is doing really well in so I wouldn't want to take that away from him.

How far in advance do you now his shift pattern?

We got over a similar problem prior to having children by drawing up a rota. Sounds ridiculously childish but worked for us.

And although the rota got ditched after having DD my DH has really taken on board what needs doing for me to remain sane...

i.e don't step over clean washing on the stairs - take it up....

.... Don't just take it up put it away.....

.... If you're coming back down then bring some dirty washing with you...

I know his shift pattern for the rest of his life - the only thing is it it doesn't really mean that much as he's always doing overtime.

I have done a rota but it seems to have slipped and all the other things like picking up the clutter/emptying the dishwasher I have to ask him to do which he's quite happy to do but it just pisses me off that I've got to constantly ask him to do it...

When we haven't seen each other properly we just seem to lose touch with each other - its like we're lodgers sharing a house; but when we have days off together its like nothing has changed and there's no problem if you see what I mean?

MMMMM.... Maybe get a babysitter go out and really talk about it? I know I'm wandering in the dark with my advice but my perseverence has worked here so I hope you can find a way forward too.

... Although having said that my Mum (who has been married for 40 years) has a differet perspective. She says Dad NEVER notices that kind of stuff that needs to be done, but happy to do it when asked... never cleaned a toilet in his life etc. However - she reconciles this with all his good qualities (DIY, car maintenance, gardening, good father etc) And has just learned to make her peace with it and compromise.

He's a bloke - it's part of the contract of being with him that you have to constantly ASK him to do stuff. They just wouldn't think of things that need doing like we do......all the women I know who have good blokes who are willing to do things say exactly the same thing. They don't notice things that need doing - you have to point it out to them.

Of course then you run the risk of being accused of nagging.

Re: the overtime. Is it compulsory or optional? If it's optional, is he doing it for any specific financial reasons?

FWIW, we can't survive on DH's basic pay. We rely on his overtime completely to make ends meet. He has just come home from work tonight and told me that the overtime budget for his team has been cut by 70% for this coming year. I don't know how we are going to manage if the union doesn't manage to fight it. So at least be thankful that the overtime is there. (not that that helps the way you're feeling towards him I know)

Its getting that balance isn't it and accepting that this is the compromise for me (and him) at this point in our lives. At the end of the day I wouldn't want him to leave his job but that's the only thing that would make the situation change.

He'd rather be with us rather than arresting the criminal fraternity - and the compromise for him is that he doesn't see the dc's as much as he'd want to

Curly - the o/t is compulsory and has a major knock on effect on our life as a family. It's not just the occasional extra hour, but an additional 6 hours on top of an already long shift. I'd rather have him here than the money...

Ah you have my sympathy. When my DH has been doing OT on top of a normal day's work then when he finally DOES come home he is useless the next day and just lolls around the house whilst the kids try to get him to chase them and he just doesn't have the energy. I am torn between feeling sorry for him that he's so worn out, but also annoyed that the kids miss out on him at his most fun and energetic best!

How often does he do OT?

gr your head sounds screwed on.

You have a fab husband.
you can't change the work situation.

You come here to vent.
That's as good as it gets.

Be wary of the 'he's a bloke' argument, though. Having a willy does not entitle a person to expect to be serviced without question.
I do appreciate that some jobs (and being a plod is one of them) do demand a degree of commitment that is hard on anyone who lives with the person doing the job, but don't forget that you and the DC matter, and if you are prepared to compromise and not nag about the time spent at work then he needs to be prepared to compromise and spend time with you and the DC and pull some weight round the house when he is not at work, rather than feeling entitled to spend all his non-work time on his hobbies.

I think you both need to sit down and re-assess your workload and by that I mean at home too.

I think you maybe need to be more understanding of him- and he of you. He is doing a very demanding job- but so are you. Maybe he just doesn't appreciate all you do- most blokes don't.
On the other hand, I brought up my DCs a lot on my own as my DH worked very long hours- often 12 hr days, was overseas a lot, and I had no family near to help at all. Just had to cope.
His work gaveme the option of working p/t which I always have, but on the other hand it meant my career went backwards, and i had to adjust to that.

I think you need to address the issue as to whether he is simply knackered when he comes home, or if he is being selfish and lazy.

thanks for all your comments - I think yesterday just came to a head as we've both had lots on at work and I felt that I was the one doing all the additional stuff at home - he's taken the dc's out this morning to give me a break.

think I will try and get the rota up and running again - we ordered it so that whoever was 'at home' on that day had to do the chores and it had slipped over the last month so that meant that yesterday I was playing catch up with all the washing and cleaning.

I have no question over him being knackered when he gets home - this week he's done 24 hours overtime on top of his usual shift - he rarely goes out with mates and I know he's very committed to us as a family - I think yesterday just was too much for me as I just hadn't had any support as he hadn't been here.

Am off to have a leisurely breakfast in the sun!

is there anyway he could apply for a secondment to another department - CID/Drugs Unit/Family Unit in the near future? they are usually more based around normal office hours and have a call out rota for out of hours incidents.

the hours he is doing does sound a lot though, in our force it's usually 10 hrs for 4 days, three off, then nights for three/four nights and four off (i think)

i can understand how you feel, my husband has been in the police for 18 years and he gets sick of being called in at the weekend when i am working. it causes problems as im contracted at the weekend and i then have to arrange childcare for my 10 hr shift. but he always say the police view it as the job comes first and i think its not the done thing to ask for a bit of flexibility. have you thought about getting a cleaner for a couple of hours maybe every 2 weeks to help you out

I do sympathise- but at the same t ime, I don't thinka 50/50 split of the chores would be fair...if you work out how many hours you each work outside the home, then it might be fairer to have a 60/40 or 70/30 split!

Can you afford a cleaner/ I am amazed at how many people don't consider this option, when a bit of economising on food, drink, going out etc might free up £12 -£15 a week for 2 hrs cleaning.