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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please explain why DH still in contact with OW

19 replies

pinkpoodle · 22/05/2009 15:33

Just trying to get my head round the fact before i confront DH why he is still in contact with OW when he has been making a go of it with me for the past 15 months, its not like they have to be in touch dont work together etc.

Its making me think that the affair he had was more emotional or does he really love her? as he did leave me for a year (not to live with her).

Please can someone help as I am at my wits end thinking about it.

OP posts:

bigchris · 22/05/2009 15:35

it is totally disrespectful of him to still be in touch with her
I'd make it quite clear that he must cease all contact for their to ever be any future for the 2 of you
have you been getting along apart from this set back?

ginnny · 22/05/2009 15:37

In what way is he in contact? Emails, texts etc or do they meet up socially?
Do you think he is still with her?
Either way its not acceptable and he should have cut all contact when you got back together.
When are you going to confront him?

Original poster

pinkpoodle · 22/05/2009 15:40

I thought that we had, he has been stopping out a little late lately on a weekend but nothing else.

I cant understand why he would. But from my source I understand that its regular contact

OP posts:

Original poster

pinkpoodle · 22/05/2009 15:42

Ginny its by phonecall and I know they he has been for a coffee at her home but he was only there for half hour

So he made a 40 mile round trip to do that why?

OP posts:

ginnny · 22/05/2009 17:31

I think you need to ask him.
Phonecalls could be explained, maybe she's phoned him and he's too nice to tell her to F off, but driving 40 miles just for a coffee .. not so easy to excuse.
I'm sorry
Bloody men - why do they do it?

debs05 · 22/05/2009 17:33

Pinkpoodle I have replied on the affairs thread, so have a couple of others

AnyFucker · 22/05/2009 19:50

I am sorry but I think his connection to her is still too strong

I would be suspicious that their affair is ongoing

If I were you, confront him and tell him it stops right now or your relationship is over

If he is serious about mending you and him, she should not be in the picture at all

abedelia · 22/05/2009 20:06

Most disrespectful - as said on the affairs thread, it is easy to get drawn back in as time goes on so you need to put a stop to it. Do you have proof and not just hearsay that they are meeting up?

Sorry to say, but if he is still in touch then most likely he was emotionally involved / thought he loved her. That's why he is risking his relationship with you for retaining contact. The good news is that once the ties are severed, after he knows what is on the line from you if he does not tell her to bugger off, quite often the bubble bursts and men see the OW for what she really is after a few weeks' cold turkey. Just be prepared for him to be miserable during the cold turkey phase - it is horrible, def like they are coming off drugs.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 22/05/2009 20:10

He needs to make a choice. And if he won't, perhaps you should consider making it for him.

Original poster

pinkpoodle · 23/05/2009 05:00

Cant sleep been laid there thinking how can he go 20 miles there to see her and not think of what he was doing and then travel 20 miles back,

Did the affair mean more to him than he is let on at the time...

I just really dont know what to think, why go and see her?

All i can help but think is that she means alot to him

OP posts:

howtotellmum · 23/05/2009 08:19

why ask us? talk to him!

Original poster

pinkpoodle · 23/05/2009 14:33

Well was just putting down my thoughts no need to be so harsh with your words

I turned to here for help.

OP posts:

Tortington · 23/05/2009 14:36

it needs an honest conversation. perhaps he does love her but is frightened to lose his family?

if so, you need to ask him to nopt be selfish - a real decision, so that you can look for love also.

Kimi · 23/05/2009 15:24

I would put my money on it not being over sorry.
I think you need to make it clear the any contact is unacceptable.

clam · 23/05/2009 16:49

Sorry to ask this, but who said it was "only for half an hour?" Him? To make you think it too short a time for anything to have gone on?
Sorry, but this doesn't sound good. His loyalty is supposed to be back with you now, and I cannot see any reason why he should need to see her. It's over. Do you contact ex-boyfriends and organise long drives to meet them? Of course not.

BBisfinallyPG · 23/05/2009 18:32

simplest answer? because he is an utter cunt. selfish and spineless it sounds. and thinks he can get away with it, having his cake and eating it

ilovemydogandMrObama · 23/05/2009 18:47

Please please don't let him say he's, 'letting her down gently...'

Are you absolutely sure that he has been in touch with OW and that your source is reliable?

abedelia · 23/05/2009 19:01

And remind him, if he is sure he wants to be with you, by keeping contact with her he is being very cruel to her as she cannot draw a line under their relationship and move on herself.

He is not letting her down gently, he is still wanting to see he is important in her eyes and that she will jump to attention if he says he wants to see her. She can't have him, but she can't have anyone else (unless it is still going on). Either way, he is a spineless, thoughtless, self-important loser of a man with no regard for anyone else's suffering.

Kally · 23/05/2009 20:24

My 'ex' had an affair and he broke it off, we made a go of it, but he was doing what your man is doing now and infact he was still shagging seeing her.

Sorry, I went ballistic and beat the crap out of him (the first and last time I ever did this to anyone)(it was horrible) for basically laughing at my loyalty and abusing my forgiving heart.

He had all sorts of excuses and the type that made you think, 'awwww, you're such a sweet guy' (when he shouldn't have got himself into that mess in the first place).

Why do they do it? ugh....

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