Relationship crisis - Help

[ChgdnoM]

I have been married for over 8 years and always thought we were ok. Recently I met someone and despite being very careful ie not spending time alone together, I have found myself falling very deeply in love. Having discussed this with the other party, who feels the same way, we have decided to to contact each other, as neither of us want to have an affair because it goes against our principles and he does not want to cause a marriage break up but I am devastated and cant go near OH. I keep crying in public and have gone totally to pieces. There are children involved although he is single and I definately don't want to cause upset to them. Have had to step away from OH and this has made me sad because it has made OH sad, but I don't know what to do. My friend says I can develop these feeling for OH but I don't think I have ever felt like this about anyone, we can't even look at each other: it is very intense. I stress and emphasise nothing has happened between us other than discussion and then separation. I just feel terrible in myself and don't know what to do. Feel I should tell OH but scared of hurting him, I do know that honesty is the best policy in these things. HELP

That should read not to contact each other not to to contact

Telling someone you have feeings for them is "something" and is a massive betrayal of your husband.

Do you have children? If not you should probably let your husband know that you don't love him and give him a chance to find someone who deserves him.

If you have children who depend on you you need to grow the fuck up.

Skidoodle, while you may be right, I feel that's a bit harsh. The OP has tried to do the right thing here, and hasn't actually been unfaithful (although I agree there's a philosophical argument here about emotional infidelity - but aren't we all guilty of that to a greater or lesser degree when in a relationship?).

ChgdnoM, you need to make a decision. I'm afraid that neither decision is not going to easy. You won't make a decision, know it's the right one, and somehow everything will fall in place. It's not going to be that simple, unfortunately. But you need to decide what you value more, and then follow through that decision wholeheartedly, without questioning yourself if you've done the right thing.

In order to survive, marriages do not always require the heady type of love all the films and books tell us about. In fact, this type of love usually diminishes over time anyway, even in the most passionate of relationships. Hopefuly, it is replaced with something more lasting and intimate. If you think you have this with your husband, maybe staying with him is the right thing for you. What you feel for the OM WILL fade eventually, and what's left may not be worth sacrificing your family for. If it helps, I read somewhere that the cascade of hormonal reactions triggered when we fall in love, usually wears off after about 6 months, so maybe you should reassess then.

OTOH, don't be self-indulgent and use hurting your husband or your children as an excuse to stay. Being a martyr like this will only cause everybody pain, yourself included, if staying is not the right option. Your husband deserves the chance to be fully loved by someone, and kids are very perceptive and will pick up on your unhappiness.

It is possible to love two people at the same time, though in different ways, I think. If you love your husband, though, in your shoes I would stay, regardless of the attraction to the other man. Marriage vows do not mean you stop finding others attractive, just that you do not act on it. This is your first real test. FWIW, I think you are trying hard to do the right thing, rather than enter recklessly into an affair, and that's good. Your feelings for OM will subside and you can get past this.

Hope you do the right thing and that it gets easier.

Forgot to answer the bit about talking to your husband about this. Have you any idea how he would react? I think that might have a bearing on whether or not you should. In your shoes, I think I would want to tell him (he probably suspects something is up anyway), but not until I had made my decision about what I was going to do. BEar in mind that that his initial reaction is likely to be anger or grief, and it may take time for him to process that before you can discuss this properly. Only you know, really...

Do you love your husband Chgdnom?

Did you doubt your marriage before you met this man?

How did you meet him? Affair type relationships aren't usually what they seem. You may think you have fell deeply in love but it's probably just the excitement of someone new, infatuation and lust. It's not real.

Would you say you'e had an emotional affair?

Well done for doing the right thing though and stepping away. I don't think you deserve a slating.

I am telling you OP. If you and this man refuse to contact eachother and stay away from eachother the feelings will fade and you will be fine.

If you hook up with him and destroy your family, the feelings you have for him will eventually fade and then later on you (or your crush) may become infatuated with someone new. Kids suffer when their parents jump from relationship to relationship looking for "the one". There are millions of people out there that you could have this kind of intense chemical reaction with. It is not worth it because these feelings all fade over time anyway. Stay with your husband.

"Deeply in love" is a chemical reaction that nanyone person can have at anytime with a many different people. Real love comes after many years or so when you know that you would stay after the initial infatuation period is all gone.

Hear, hear pramspotter.

Thanks for that skidoodle. My OH and I have not been right for a long time, probably ever really. He has run me down, telling me that I don't do a proper job as a mother and housewife, wants me to go out to work at a job at which I am desperately unhappy and is more interested in the tv and playstation than me. He doesn't want to talk to me when he gets home from work, we have four children and the youngest who is 3 did not know until yesterday that Daddy could actually read. For a while a I had a bag packed in case I decided it was enough and I had to leave quickly. He shouts at the kids and hits them excessively as a form of discipline instead of taking the time to explain what they have done wrong and a better way of behaving. We don't have any goals or ambitions or things that we are planning or working towards together and he does very little around the house. If I haven't cooked he gets a takeaway rather than thinking about the money and despite me saying please please don't use a credit card again - after I paid off £17,000 of his debt, he started using one again and is racking up a tab again and he will not look at income and expenditure to see what we can afford, I always have to do that. In addition we don't like doing the same things, he likes films and computer games and eating out, whereas I like going out for walks, going camping and doing fun active stuff with the kids, which is very hard to do with him because I feel like I am pushing against him all the time. When he has not been around I have just taken the kids out and done stuff, and we have had a great time together. All this has been for as long as we have been married, so no, it is not just because of this other person, and last night I decided that even if nothing happens with this man, I can't go on like this. It has just been a catalyst bringing to my attention that things are not right. I am willing to try and work together but feel very miserable in the situation. I don't see what we will do together once the kids are grown up and gone and actually last night I felt like jumping off a jetty and ending it all so I don't appreciate being told to grow the F up thanks very much, but thank you for all your other helpful points.

Thanks for that skidoodle. My OH and I have not been right for a long time, probably ever really. He has run me down, telling me that I don't do a proper job as a mother and housewife, wants me to go out to work at a job at which I am desperately unhappy and is more interested in the tv and playstation than me. He doesn't want to talk to me when he gets home from work, we have four children and the youngest who is 3 did not know until yesterday that Daddy could actually read. For a while a I had a bag packed in case I decided it was enough and I had to leave quickly. He shouts at the kids and hits them excessively as a form of discipline instead of taking the time to explain what they have done wrong and a better way of behaving. We don't have any goals or ambitions or things that we are planning or working towards together and he does very little around the house. If I haven't cooked he gets a takeaway rather than thinking about the money and despite me saying please please don't use a credit card again - after I paid off £17,000 of his debt, he started using one again and is racking up a tab again and he will not look at income and expenditure to see what we can afford, I always have to do that. In addition we don't like doing the same things, he likes films and computer games and eating out, whereas I like going out for walks, going camping and doing fun active stuff with the kids, which is very hard to do with him because I feel like I am pushing against him all the time. When he has not been around I have just taken the kids out and done stuff, and we have had a great time together. All this has been for as long as we have been married, so no, it is not just because of this other person, and last night I decided that even if nothing happens with this man, I can't go on like this. It has just been a catalyst bringing to my attention that things are not right. I am willing to try and work together but feel very miserable in the situation. I don't see what we will do together once the kids are grown up and gone and actually last night I felt like jumping off a jetty and ending it all so I don't appreciate being told to grow the F up thanks very much, but thank you for all your other helpful points.

Also I don't want that heady kind of love, It's transcient, I know. I want someone who i want to spend time with and who likes doing my kind of stuff, someone who values family and puts time with them first, and someone who cares and is willing to work with me, not do everything for me or wants me to do everything and can't be bothered to be hands on.

what you've just said, is different to how you started out. I think you sound very unhappy whereas you started out by saying you'd been OK until you met this man. It sounds like he is a symptom of the problems with your DH. Have to tried to talk to DH? Have you tried counselling - on your own/with him? If you have explored all this, and things are as they are, your best bet may be to end the relationship, but be careful. Firstly, you have done nothing wrong, you do not need to leave. I am not the best person to give you advice but you have children to look after, he should be the one to move out. secondly, make sure you are leaving to be on your own. Use it as a time to review things. However, the OM is single, so you would be absolutely fine to let him know how things are and perhaps start to see him as a friend. good luck

Well in that case OP, sort out your current relationship first, either try and work it out via relate if you want to, if not, move on. Easier said than done I know

The fact that he hits your children would be reason enough for me to want him to leave. How do you put up with that? Are your children afraid of your DH?

There's no reason why you can't keep this OM in mind for the future. Just be careful, you sound like you're in a vulnerable situation.

trying to work things out with dh. We went out last night and had a very open and honest talk and he was a bit taken a back, but he said he wants us to put this past us and work together. I am going to try but at the moment the feelings are still there. Would like to be friends only with OM but I don't think it wil be possible not for a while anyway. We are too I don't know what, close, really, and it's not a crush. OH and I are going to put a lot of time and effort into doing stuff together and each doing stuff that the other likes to try to get closer.

Wow, good for you.

It's impressive that you've used this situation to examine your relationship and get some clarity on what you want and need.

Your dh's reaction to your revelations sounds positive but it also sounds like you both have a lot of work to do before this will be a fulfilling relationship for you.

The "excessive" hitting sounds worrying, that has to stop asap. How might that happen? Do you have any understanding of why he reacts to them in this way?

I think you are right not to pursue a friendship with this man at this time. You have a lot to sort out at home by the sounds of it.

Hopefully whatever happens he will have been a catalyst that changed things for the better in your life

Today has been hard. Still struggling with the feelings, and still feeling as if there is something inevitable about all this. Sort of Charles and Camilla-ish. Very strange.

I think the priority problem is that your H is bullying you and the DC and does not appear to show you any affection, consideration or respect. It's not surprising that you consider yourself 'deeply in love' with the first male you meet who treats you with any consideration at all - but the OM is not really relevant. Give your H one final chance to improve his behaviour (stop hitting the children, stop treating you like a servant) and if he doesn't reform, take steps to end the relationship. ANd then don't bother about relationships for a while as you may well move from one dickhead to another.

The feelings for this man are just a distraction from the real, not inconsiderable, problems in your marriage.

The only inevitable thing about them is that indulging them, and their attendant escapist fantasies, is presumably more pleasant than trying to deal with an unfulfilling marriage to a critical, volatile man who beats your children.