How do I support a friend going through possible seperation/divorce?

[LolaTheShowgirl]

She has 2 children, almost teenagers. Her husband has been very selfish, only ever putting himself before his wife or his children and has been emotionally, but never physically abusive to my friend. He has taken off in the middle of the night many times while friend has been sleeping and not come back til the next day, without telling his DW where he was going. He does this when he's drunk only.

My friend wants to leave him. She is talking about divorce. She's asked for my advice on where she and her children can go for help regarding accommodation and i've given her a list of places she can go and talked through all the issues she has with her DH and let her rant about him. Thing is, I feel weird giving her the advice because she isn't sure if they're going to split up. It will be on her terms if they do because he wants to stay together (probably for the sake of an easy life more than anything and so he has his DW to constantly look after him - he is like her 3rd child). I feel my giving her the advice is somehow going to give her the power to leave him, which is good, but on the other hand, I feel me telling her that she can survive as a single mum and get all this help is breaking them up.

Sounds like she really needs to leave the wanker!
I would understand your predicament if, for example, he was a nice man and she just didn't love him anymore, but come on, leaving in the middle of the night when she's asleep! Sounds incredibly suspicious to me.
I would be actively encouraging her to leave!
If you remain neutral then she may feel as if she is doing the wrong thing by leaving him. If she wants to do it then I would actively support her.

You can't make her split up with her DH. Look at the women on here who stay in terrible marriages for years despite loads of advice to the contrary. It takes a lot of guts to leave and if your friend leaves, it will be because she is ready.

It's great that she has a good friend like you to reassure her that she will be ok and that you are there for her with practical advice but also a shoulder to cry on if she needs it

I wish I had a friend like you, I think Iam about to tell not so dh I want a divorce, Mn has been great and HolyGuacamole has even given me her email to offer support, but to have a real life friend would be so good. I don't think you could break up her relationship by offering support and help, she will gain strength to do what she wants to do by discussing it with you. You sound like a great friend.

Sorry, quick hijack! Thanks muddleduck Hope you're doing ok?

mpuddleduck - not muddleduck

Hi HG, I like that, maybe I should change my name! muddleduck is probably very appropriate.
LolaTheshowgirl, hope you are still being there for your friend and you are both still talking.

Lola, you are doing the best thing for her by giving her information. Knowledge is power. Men like her partner often come out with all kinds of bullshit about taking the kids, throwing the XW into the street with nothing, etc, but when you know the law you can ignore this.
And why on earth would anyone think this is a relationship she should stay in? Why should anyone put up with being treated as a convenience and a service appliance indefinitely?

Sometimes, when you're in a bad (or simply an unhappy) relationship, what you really need is someone to talk to you straight, tell you what they think, rather than tip-toe round the issues, for fear of influencing the outcomes. Give her your honest, disinterested opinion, help her arm herself with the knowledge she needs, and offer her emotional support as you can. If she is ready to leave this man, she alone will make the decision to do so.