Come talk to me about relationship breakdowns and how you feel....

[sentimentallady]

Hello

H moved out over two months ago, but things very very rocky for last 3 years. Thought I was okay about it, well coping with it, having counselling etc.

I always say that at present I wouldn't want to get back with H because I need ME time and to find me again, but the last couple of days I've been feeling so desperately sad about it all.

I know he treated me not very well the last few years, and has been very selfish, but I miss the relationship we had a few years ago. We had fun and life was fun (rose tinted glasses, perhaps?!?!).

Now I'm left with DD whilst he's off travelling and doing things he couldn't do whilst we were together. It's not that I dont want to have fun, it's just we've got a DD that needs one responsible parent - and seeing as when I was preggers and DD was a baby, he was out a lot, or left me at home whilst he went out to do it, it was me who needed to do it.

I just want my little family or a little family and security

So anyway, this has been nearly 3 months now......when will I start feeling better (and how long is a piece of string)

I've just split with DP so understand how you feel though it's early days for me so still angry really. I am jealous though that ex will have all that spare time to himself and I'm pregnant and have a 15mth old.

Deep down though don't we know that we are the ones who will have the better life? We get to see our DC's every day. Look what they are missing out on?

IME it takes about 12mths to start really feelig better. Depressing I know.

Sending you hugs (sorry mumsnet)

hi sentimentallady

I understand and sympathise, all i want is a happy little family too - mum dad and dd, but when you look at your ex i think you have to consider is it the dream / ideal of the little family or the reality of life with your ex.

I had such high hopes of my dp but he just doesnt see life the same as me, he wants to go out a lot (and does) and bemoans that he cant do things cos of dd, and just doesnt get that being a family / parent can be the most fun and joyous experience you can ever have. We too had fun before dd arrived, then it all changed. I think he like the idea of being a family man but the reality / responsibility was just too much for him.

You are feeling lonely and probably starting to grieve for the relationship and life you wanted. Its ok and natural to feel sad.

I think it takes a long while, dont rush it, try to take time out to enjoy yourself.

sorry if this sounds trite, its not meant to be, its just hard to put it into words.

There are so many postive posts from women who have started up again after partners/husbands have left. they are an inspiration. I'm sure lots will post and tell you there is life after splitting.

Yeah I guess it's true - it's the ideal of my little family I want. I don't want to be left in whilst H goes out with his mates (I don't mind but not when it's alot!).

It annoys me that H can so easily ignore the responsibility of DD and I'm left to do it! I want to have fun too.

But it is true, for their pleasing themselves, they are sacrficing something more worthwhile - seeing their children grow up. (Although I'm not always thinking that when I have DD screaming at me, housework to do, bills to worry about and no peace!)

I'm in such a strange place - I just want to be happy NOW!

I've been told there will be good days and bad days but just get through best you can. You'll find time for yourself, can you leave dd with any friends for a couple of hours?

I think supercherry is right, it takes about a year for the dust to settle, it will get better bit by bit each day and before you know it, you will be happy.

I totally understand as I have been through similar.
Three months is very early days tbh and I think if you are like me you are grieving the ''perfect'' family unit that we read about when we were little.
However, take heart- a year on and I am much happier and feel much more independant. I am focussing less on him and more on me and dd. It will get better and you will find love again if you want that. Why not start some hobbies that you can do at home or at college such as painting, music, cookery etc, etc?
When you are happy in yourself the nice guys will follow.
I know it is galling when dp goes swanning off travelling but he's missing out on your dds childhood- you wouldn't wish that on anyone would you? You can go travelling later in life and you will have been there to see your dd grow up- a win win situation. He will never grow up the selfish twunt.

Also, I always remember the beginning of the realtionship when times were good but those times don't always last and everyone grieves the honeymoon period, especially if it goes tits up.

Bear in mind that what looks like a 'perfect family unit' can be somethign quite different behind closed doors, whether that's indifference, hostility or domestic violence. Being a single parent is fine. Being single is great. Much better than being with any old loon or cocklodger just to say you have A Man In Your Life.