School and professional concerns that my DS is 'manipulating' me..... (long rant)

[TheMitsubishiWarrioress]

He is 11,

Have done so many threads on here about him.

Anger management issues, him being bullied, bad relationship with his father (which is currently improving after a horrendous 2/3 yrs).

We have always had a generally close relationship, but he is very very hard work, and currently being seen by a child therapist.

I bonded with him instantly, BF for 1 year. He was very rarely cared for by anyone other than myself until he went to playschool.

I am emotionally exhausted, and drained. He plays my emotions and I try really hard not to feed it because I want him to be confident in the world but he is so demanding. I try to be patient but am internally struggling. Most days are dogged by 'issues' he can not deal with, who has said what to him and how. (he is very much like his father in this respect).

DS loves our time alone together (DD is 6), and I try to make sure we do stuff individually. (with each DC when time allows). DS hates me working, even though I work from home, and creates a fuss about it.

I hate myself for saying this but I feel I need to have a break from him as I struggle to enjoy being 'mum' sometimes because we never seem to have a 'normal' day that isn't a battle.

I try to be bright and reassuring, give him encouragement and not 'feed' his need for the atention he seems to thrive on, but he doesn't seem to be satisfied inless I am distraught on his behalf.

Sadly DD is so doifferent and is just an 'easy' child to be with, which he recognises and often resents. He was very much like this BEFORE she was born, but it just got worse and worse after she started to talk.

WHAT have I done wrong? and HOW do I get our relationship on a better grounding? It is not healthy for him and I can not sustain it anymore. I am sorry if it sounds like I am a crap crap mother but I am at the end of my tether.

So sorry it is so long.

You dont sound like a crap, crap mother at all - you sound like a very caring mother trying to do right by her child who is just bloody tired - happens to the best of us so stop beating yourself up.

What sort of family support have you got - does his dad spend any time with him or is it just you?

I know it may seem unlikely now but in a few years time you will be proud of the young man he has become.

This is a very difficult age and if boundaries have been fairly loose,now is when the dcs can almost seem to take over and want their own way all the time and sometimes it all feels like too much.
Suggest
Mentally,separate your own well being from his as much as you can,so when he has a problem,don't get down about it,help him through it.It will pass.
Be firm about important boundaries such as you are the adult,not him,whether about making decisions for him or setting boundaries re pc/tv/homework.
Be calm and set a good example to him.
Have you any caring friends/siblings/parents who could have him for the odd weekend to give him a change and mentor him a little and give you a break~ it can all be a bit intense sometimes can't it.
Just some suggestions which may be off the mark but I found helpful myself

Oh and by the way you haven't done anything wrong,its just the intensity of it all atm and more likely the difficult relationship with his father

His dad and him haven't spent much time together over the last couple of years because there was virtually no relationship between them, that didn't invole shouting.

It was horrendous and life was reallly crapo for DS. His dad put him down constantly and was exceedingly impatient and intollerant.

My stock phrase became...'he is just a child'.

I am currently trying to split from H but it is not easy. To all intents and purposes he is turning himself around. But I have simply had enough.

DS has always had an extraordinary need for attention and has struggled with doing things by himself. We don't get any family help apart from my Mum and Dad very ocassionally

DS has started going out with friends and has the occassional sleepover, but the minute he is with us, it is mostly a long stream of complaints about how dreadful it all was. If I simply sympathise and give him a cuddle, and try to gently distract him, he gives more details about how bad it was. If I say something like, 'well you know you don't have to go', he falls out with me. But if I take an active point of view, suggesting how to improve it, he still isn't satisfied.

If I am sort of 'non-commital' and say, 'oh that is a shame, perhaps it will be better next time' , we get sulks and a fuss about never going on one again.

If I change the subject he relentlessly drags it back until I have reached a point of being upset by the dreadful time he must have had. ( pretty sure he is is having a fine old time)

I feel like I can not win. It is as if he thrives on being either the centre of attention, or complaining about life.

I do find it hard to do the mentally separating thing, I feel dreadfully guilty and probably over compensate from that point of view.

MW I am going through almost the same things.. want to share some cake and have a cuppa. I am now in a state where I have no idea what is going on, how to deal with it, or if in fact if everything will be okay. I'm ready to throw my hands in the air and say pass.

no advise.. but hang on in there.

Does he get enough exercise? It might be an odd question but it really does help with mental health and wellbeing especially in teens.

He has problems with your relationship with him, his fathers relationship with him, the breakdown of your marriage, his jealousy of his sister and his teenage hormones kicking in. He probably needs someone outside the family to confide in.

you really do not sound like a crap mother. You sound devoted and thoughtful, caring, loving and very very tired.

I can't talk from personal experience, but I wonder if 'resilient therapy' might give you some ideas? There are several books and courses around which deal with this. The basic idea is that 'resilience' - the ability to bounce back from difficult experiences and have inner strength - makes all the difference for children in growing up to become confident adults.

A few links to show what I am talking about:
positive psychology PS ignore the reference to 'disadvantaged' children, that's only one of the groups of young people who can benefit from this.

CUPP

book on bouncing back

I just realised that all those links talk in terms of mental health, or special needs. I am NOT suggesting that your DS is in that category, just that the ideas and the approach might help both of you.

Yeah, it's a boundaries thing. Unfortunately, it's always initially going to be a struggle to enforce boundaries. The longer it's left, the harder it'll be. Once the lines are drawn and everyone knows where they stand, things will improve, but it's got to be hard for you to cope with when separating.

Something I'd like to warn of, that my DH and BIL both suffered from with their boundaryless mother is the totally understandable but unhealthy placement of son as "Man of House" after a split. Sounds like even before your split, DS was an issue between you and your H. That can give your DS the wrong idea about his placement in the family IYSWIM.

Perhaps it would be helpful for you too to get some therapy? You are going through a lot, a split and a difficult relationship with your DS. It cannot be easy to deal with alone, and you don't need to. Perhaps even some family therapy, for DS DD and you? That way you can all work through the dynamics together, as opposed to singling out the one "problem child". I imagine he's already resenting the hell out of that label, which'll be a barrier to him overcoming his difficulties. Family dynamics are complex, sometimes an outside perspective can really help.

With you BCNS....

He is constantly on his bike, walking, out with his mates, on the go. He is seeing a therapist, but it is slow.

I have been referred to the Community Mental Health team.

He has been assessed about special needs but they um and ah as his behaviour is erratic. Can be very very good at school but tell me he is being dreadfully bullied and wanting me to talk to parents and school. I feel like I am going mad.

The realationship between us all has been very bad for a very long time. I told H I wanted to split as nobody was happy at home the way things were...(have tried and tried and tried for 2 years).

Now H has completely turned round after a horrendous incident 5 weeks ago. I feel like giving up. It is all so crap.

I am confused, lost and lonely.

We had family therapy and DS and H would sit holding hands but never getting to the point of the living hell that life had become, IMO.

So I feel like I am in the wrong because people seem to believe that we are this fabulous family unit and I don't know what to do with all the pain inside me for what it has been really like.

So now H is tender and kind, and part of me wants to explode because why did it have to be so hard for so long and now that I am complete wreck, and have asked him to leave, ( I had asked before, but we kept 'trying') when it didn't need to be.

I am such a mess.

Sorry, it is all bubbling to the surface. Falling apart.

Who suggested the professional counselling? I mean, if it came from an outside source, then it's not you being paranoid.
I don't have much to offer, I'm afraid, but wanted to acknowledge your post and to let you know that it sounds to me as if you're a great mum, as others have said.

Ive had one like this ,although older now ,, but i know what its like.She whinged and complained and had me in and out of school every 5 minuites over every little thing , claiming she was being bullied when she wasnt. Could never relax when she went out with freinds as she would always come back with a face on, and if i didnt agree with her version of events she would sulk and strop. She was extremeley hard work and always felt victimized by somebody , or some situation. She would complain to anyone who would listen.

I felt responsible for certain things that had happened when she was quite small ( nothing sinister ), i think i secretly vowed to support her more, and " make up for it ". Could this be the case for you with regards to his relationship with his dad?

I think mine soon learnt that being "picked on " and negative got her more attention than being positive and happy.Her father was also like this.
In the end i established what was a real problem and what wasnt and refused to listen to the whinging.Unfortunateley this carried on to early teens , so you can imagine the crys of " you dont love me, you never listen or support me "ect.
Tough, she could change the atmosphere in the house within seconds and no amount of sympathising or coaxing her out of it worked, i just refused to listen and would send her upstairs to sulk up there about her imaginary greivances.
She too did not have a good relationship with her father, who by the way was extremeley manipulative and emotionally / verbally abusive. Its sad to say, but for mine, i think some of this was learnt behaviour and the whole thing was extremeley manipulative , in that she could manipulate me into giving her attention,dominate conversations and my time, is hard to ignore a whinging kid claiming theyre being bullied,, because what if they are ?
should i not agree with how awful her life was i would be subjected to a torrent of abuse.
I only realised this after having counselling after my divorce when the counseller pointed it out to me.Things have improved lots, although occasionally she will still try it on.
Not saying that things are the same for you, but perhaps quickly establish whether there is a serious problem or if its just whinging,, if its the latter, your not being tight by not agreeing, or not listening to it.

thanks for all posts.

your situation sopunds alarmingly like mine frequently, we are going throuigh a process of counselling now. His Dad became someone who constantly complained about everything and I felt like I couldn't help however much we talked things through, days and days of going over the same issues, from every angle, who had said what and how and why and I did express concerns on the impact it was having on DS.

A negative one it would seem.

DS has undoubtedly had some real bullying issues but i guess it might be a process of sorting through the real stuff from the attention seeking. It is hard to understand why he needs such a level of attention when IMO he gets a lot of good positive attention from me anyway.

Thank-you frequently for sharing what you went through, it means so much to know someone else has been through it and it is not just me. ( not that i would wish it on anybody, it is just good not to feel alone IYSWIM).

It is a sunny day...maybe it will be a good one

His Dad became someone who constantly complained about everything and I felt like I couldn't help however much we talked things through, days and days of going over the same issues, from every angle, who had said what and how and why and I did express concerns on the impact it was having on DS.

My ex spent hours / days going over the things that made him miserable.I too tried to help by listening , coming up with suggestions or generally trying to be supportive.
Problem was, he didnt want help, or support, he wanted to dominate my time and attention with bogus crisises.In short he was emotionally abusing me although i didnt realise this at the time.

Dd had learned how to effectiveley get attention and dominate my time.This is all she had ever seen so was probably normal for her.I dont like to say this, as she is my dd and i love her dearly, but she also became domineering, manipulative and abusive , she would bully the other dcs and dominate everyone, including me.

There is always disputes with siblings, but my dd went beyond that, ie, she would insist on " borrowing " a random item, not because she actually wanted it, but because she wanted to dominate that particular person.After successfully winning, said item would not be used or needed, the battle was won, and it wasnt over the item.

Is your son demanding in other areas, ie, with your dd? Are there often silly issues about who has what, who sits where ect? Does he leave you alone if you have visiters , are on the phone, or does he think all your time should be devoted to him?
Does he shout ,resort to calling you names ?

If so,, this could be the start of unhealthy manipulative behaviour, and i would think you would need some specific help to get to grips with it. My dd had no respect whatsoever for any boundarys and would push and push until i was outraged.If i was on the telephone and she wanted to use it she would start shouting, the whole house had to revolve around her and her needs.

I wish i had spotted this a long time ago, as sadly she has paid for this type of behaviour amongst freinds.However, at the time i was not able to recognise that my husband was dominating , controlling me, let alone a small girl.
Things are better now, but i often feel guarded around her, as she will still try it on ocasionally. Sadly when i look back through ex,s family i can see that this has passed on through several generations, a horrible legacy.

There is an emotional abuse thread that might be worth having a read through if you are trying to get out of your marriage.