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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Those of you who left your dh - what were your reasons?

17 replies

togoornot · 20/05/2009 09:14

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flowerpotwoman · 20/05/2009 09:21

I left my XP because he was verbally abusive and intimidating, and frequently belittled me.

It was an agonising decision because he loves our DC, but I had to leave for my sanity. That was nearly four years ago and I haven't regretted it for a second.

Since then, I have met a wonderful man who is kind, supportive and normal, and in retrospect, I can't believe I put up with being treated so badly for so long. I'm excited about the future, whereas for many years, I dreaded the next day.

Only you can decide whether to break up your family. Is he a good father; does he nourish and cherish all of you? Do you feel better when he's around or if he's absent? Have you tried counseling?

togoornot · 20/05/2009 09:24

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flowerpotwoman · 20/05/2009 09:24

Another thought: perhaps it might help if you work out what's changed between you since you met. Has your sex life deteriorated because of the way you interact, or because he/you has/have changed physically?

If you still love him, there must be hope for you.

flowerpotwoman · 20/05/2009 09:27

Have you thought about the practicalities? Leaving can seem impossible when you're faced with working out where you're all going to live/jobs/schools etc, but it is always possible.

Have you discussed splitting up with him?

Mamazon · 20/05/2009 09:29

mine was violant and abusive in every way.
i left when DD was 10 weeks. i didn't want her to have to go trhough what my Ds had. its something i feel guilty about every single day, that i could leave for DD but not Ds.

commeuneimage · 20/05/2009 15:56

I left eight months after mine told me he was having an affair. I tried to get over it but eventually I realised that it had destroyed my love for him. Trust must have been a crucial part of my feeling for him, because though I felt I could forgive him I could no longer trust him. My feeling for him is dead and the marriage felt like a charade.

ridingjoker · 20/05/2009 16:11

i left as exp gambling addiction was causing him to have terrible mood swings and causing horrible arguements which the dc were being affected by.

i would probably put up with it tbh if it wasn't affecting dc.

i think when its affecting the lo's is a very very good reason to leave if you cant resolve and make a better enviroment for them.

stripeypineapple · 20/05/2009 16:14

I left my ex when I realised I had been kidding myself about being satisfied with life as it was.

I asked myself if this was how I saw my life in 5 years time?

The answer was no.

That included living where I was and who I was living with, so I left.

Can you put up with things the way are now for the rest of forever?

If the answer is no then you have to do something about it because things rarely change by themselves, something or someone has to change them.

Either make it better with your DH, really try hard, both of you. Or leave and allow the two of you to begin again.

YanknCock · 20/05/2009 16:26

I left because:

  1. Children: We both said we saw ourselves with children when we got married. Agreed to talk about it after 3 years. Three years went by, and he said he wasn't ready and wanted to make it 5 years. At that point, my GP told me we needed to start trying because I was likely to have problems conceiving. He 'agreed', but it was obvious he wasn't ready and wouldn't be ready any time soon.
  1. He was a workaholic, his geek job and lifestyle became one and the same. He was out at geek events or online all the time. He never wanted to spend time with just me---was only happy if in a crowd of fellow techy people. The final straw was him going off to meet a bunch of strangers while we were supposed to be having a weekend together abroad (to 'save' our marriage).
  1. Sex, or lack thereof. XH is most likely an asexual. He's simply not bothered about sex, admittedly gets very little out of it, and could happily go for months without. This significantly impacted on the 'children' question. Basically he could not understand why I wanted sex and made me feel rotten about myself, like I had some sort of problem.

Am remarried and expecting first child in August. Leaving was the smartest thing I ever did.

maltesers · 21/05/2009 11:24

I left my ex.DP because he was very similar to FLOWERPOTWOMANS' Ex... belittled me, verbally and physically abusive, no sex, no love, never there; and i too cant believe i put up with 2 Ex partners for so long that were physically abusive , which IMO is the worst thing to tolerate and make you feel worthless. All Ex's who are violent need burning at the Stake !!!!! ggggrrrrhhhh ! Er.. you can tell i am still cross about it.
TOGOORNOT i had a similar Ec who has ADHD badly , so traits of Aspergers. and his psychologist told me he had Disassocaition Disorder, so having a relationship with him was bloody hard work. Emotionally he was never there, he was inconciderate, self centred, angry, hot headed, short fused and had no sex drive what so ever. All these probs used to drive me mad. After 2 years being together he snogged someone else, stayed over night at her place andthen eventually got aggreessive towards me when he found out i had a an old male friend i was meeting for coffee.... Can you blame me ?????

maltesers · 21/05/2009 11:27

I hasten to add this friendship was Totally pleutonic, and always will be. I fancy him not. He is just an old mate !

Its hard to decide what to do ..... How unhappy are you TOGOORNOT?? Do you think you would be happier leaving?? Its hard and like junping off a cliff.... you never know where you are going to land. Also hard coping with the kids on your own.... unless DP is totally useless and lazy and does sod all around the family.

lou33 · 21/05/2009 11:32

i ended my marriage because his drinking got worse and worse and he ended up making my life a misery

i didnt want the children growing up int hat environment so i told him it was over, but he still took a while before he listened and went

he still gives me trouble but at least i dont have to live with him, and i am 100% happier without him

the kids of course were upset but they too are more settled now

saggyjuju · 21/05/2009 11:45

i turned around and looked at my children sat in the back of our car beaming with excitement, we were on our way to the airport for what would be the last family holiday together,they didnt know that just me , i turned and looked into the hard shoulder as my now ex husband drove ,tears streaming down my face. we were kids when we got together,i grew up,he never did. it was bumping into the woman who my ex had is LAST affair with,saying a few *** to her,walking off pleased i done it,then within the hour realising she had moved on and i was the idiot who was still with the dirty dog,this made me leave.it was the day before our holidays.am not blaming just one side it was a crap marriage that should never have happened

barrelrider · 21/05/2009 16:54

Togoornot sounds like you are in a similar position to me.
I love my husband to bits, he's funny and interesting and intelligent, he's practical and a great father. However I have never really really fancied him and now it's reached crisis point - I dread it every time he comes near me. If anything 'happens' then the clock immediately starts ticking and in four days time he's climbing the walls again and I'm feeling stressed and guilty about not wanting to do anything.
He's also got a very controlling, irritable streak and knows how to make me feel crap. Whenever we go anywhere he is ill at ease and unhappy. He's always always complaining about being tired. I can be quite a happy, silly individual and he has knocked that out of me with his gloomy, miserable ways. He's unadventurous and a bit of a couch potato, he's always telling me off, and can be incredibly unsupportive. All these things combined, and a lot more, have basically driven me to drink. After 3.5 years of this I have decided enough is enough. We had 9 months of counselling last year but it didn't help. It feels kind of selfish, and I feel guilty for my three year old, but we have really tried and I can't take this misery any more.
Now I have told him it's over but neither of us has really come to terms with it. It's so hard

togoornot · 21/05/2009 19:04

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LoveAndSqualor · 21/05/2009 19:19

togoornot - that's pretty much why I left my DP (when DS was six months old). THings were pretty dire when I fell (accidentally, unexpectedly) pg, but we tried during pregnancy to make a go of it. In fact, though, the pregnancy made me realise that I couldn't honestly contemplate the idea of a life with him (we'd been together about six years at this point). Although he was very intelligent, good lucking, interesting and so forth, there were aspects of him that I couldn't deal with: his inability to behave generously towards my family; his dismissiveness of others; plus the fact that, like you, sex was something I could no longer bear the thought of.

I had a half-thought that when DS was born I'd feel differently, but on the night - literally the night - after his birth I knew I had to leave. It was stressful and very painful for both of us, and practically speaking a nightmare for me (house was his, so I moved out to live in Dsis's spare room with DS, at the same time as starting back in my (stressful and demanding) job and settling DS in nursery), but I can say for an absolute fact that we are both, if not happier now (in that we're neither of us doing cartwheels round the garden) we know it was the right decision, and I feel at peace and able to look forward to the future, whatever it might hold. You only have one life: if you're unhappy in your relationship, I think you have the right to start over (and I'm speaking as the child of divorced parents so quite aware of the child's pov) (and I always thought my parents did the right thing too). Phew, hope you got to the end of that! Good luck, whatever you decide

togoornot · 22/05/2009 14:13

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