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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Someone please help me understand the mindset of a woman experiencing domestic abuse

23 replies

Monkeyandbooba · 19/05/2009 23:37

A close friend of mine turned up on my doorstep this evening at 9.30 clearly very upset. After some discussion and wine she admitted that her H is abusive - emotionally and, to a lesser extent, physically. She feels she can't/won't leave him now and I don't know how to support her through this. What can I say/do to help her work through what is going on? She knows she should leave but feels unable to at the moment, she keeps saying she asks for this treatment so she should put up with it etc. I feel desperately upset for her and hate seeing her suffering but don't know what to say or do that will help.

OP posts:

Mamazon · 19/05/2009 23:42

you need to realise that she is confused and upset. whilst you are able to look at her situation clearly and can see eveyrthing in black and white. she astill loves the man she met. she still loves the man he is between the abusive periods, however short they are.

she has turned to you for help which is a fantastic sign. admiting it to people is a huge step. be carefull nto to judge her or to make her feel as though she cannot talk to you. if you pressurise her to leave before she is ready she will just stop talking to you, she will feel guilty and even more alone.

advise her, point her towards Womens aid and just be there for her. it may take weeks/months or even years before she is finally ready to leave. until then im afraid all you can do is advise and comfort.

Shitemum · 19/05/2009 23:44

I don't know, I suppose they just hope that things will get better...

Original poster

Monkeyandbooba · 19/05/2009 23:46

Thanks `Mamazon, I tried not to give any advice just listen and reassure her. She kept repeating over and over that strong, intelligent women like her shouldn't be a victim of abuse - I tried to say that it happens to all women in all walks of life. I feel so sad for her, she looked so vulnerable and lost

I didn't judge her (I hope!) and just said that whatever she decides (or doesn't decide) I would always be here for her and I wouldn't judge her choice. I hope that was the right thing to say.

She did say that tonight was the first time she has ever said/admitted that she is being abused. I hope this is a small step towards getting some help out of this situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

Monkeyandbooba · 19/05/2009 23:48

Oh and she did say that when things are good she sees a wonderful man but deep down she lives in fear of the next episode.

Tonight he pinned her up against the wall and threw a dish full of lasagne at her then a pie she had made too.

OP posts:

hatesponge · 19/05/2009 23:51

having been there myself, I never thought or expected it would get better. I hoped it wouldn't get worse certainly but mainly I just used to hope either he would leave, or that someone would rescue me. In the end after many years of shit I came to realise the only way out was for me to do something about it myself.

As her friend, i think the best thing you can do is be there for her, and give her whatever help or support she asks for. My friends generally took the view that my situation wasnt really worth complaining about, and are still 'friends' with my ex now which I find hard to deal with.

Original poster

Monkeyandbooba · 19/05/2009 23:53

What worries me is tomorrow morning she'll wish she hadn't told me anything and will avoid me out of embarrassment? I promised I wouldn't mention it again unless she did.

It's interesting she also said she hoped he would leave.

Just had a look at the Women's Aid website, there is a section on there for friends and family.

OP posts:

Mamazon · 19/05/2009 23:54

it sounds as though you did everything right.
its ok to tell her that she needs to leave. just make sure you don't rant at her.

She will feel ashamed, guilty and weak. she will feel as though she has somehow caused this to happen, that she did something to make him behave this way.
It is painfully embarassing to admit to someone that you have allowed someone to treat you badly. even now i find it diffult to speak face to face about my own experiences.

As for her comment about being strong and not being abused, im a very strong woman in every single sense of the word. Im a social worker with a good responsible position and was the very last person in the world you would expect to be the victim of domestic abuse.
It really does happen to anyone, from any walk of life. in fact strong succesfull women are often the victims of domestic abuse because their partners feel their masculintiy has been threatened because she has become more successfull tahn them.

ask her to contact womens aid. she can call them simply for a chat. she wont need to give her details and she wont be pressurised into doing anything. most area's have an outreach programme where someone can come and speak to her over a coffee and just listen to whats happened. they will never ever make her do anything she isn't ready for and everything is totally confidential.

hatesponge · 19/05/2009 23:54

MandB, it does happen to women in all walks of life, you are quite right. I have an Oxbridge degree and a very well paid 'professional' job. That didnt stop it happening to me, but it did make it a little easier for me from a financial perspective once I worked out how I was going to get out of the situation.

Mamazon · 19/05/2009 23:57

give her a text tomorrow saying something non invasive but showing your there for her like
"morning, hope you slept well"

that way your leaving the ball in her court but letting you know your there for her.

Original poster

Monkeyandbooba · 20/05/2009 00:00

That is a good idea Mamazon, she is going to her Mum's tomorrow for a couple of days so I might wish her a safe and relaxing trip. She doesn't want to tell her parents because she doesn't want to feel like she has failed in their eyes, I see where she is coming from but I'd be devastated if my DD didn't tell me this was happening

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Claire2009 · 20/05/2009 00:13

Having been in a violent r/s myself for 5yrs I can help a little... I've been out of it a while now.

When in the r/s - Utterly useless, felt as though I couldn't get any better than him so I stayed, family/friends told me to get out and leave, he was a wanker etc etc from day 1 but I kept going - felt like I had a point to prove, that I could make it work.

It was as though the more I was told to get out of the r/s the more I fought for it.

Violent partners don't get better unless they have a lot of help and anger management, x wouldn't do that & I didn't even want to suggest it. I left with a 5wk old & 15mth old & went into a refuge, it was very bloody hard but the best thing I've ever done. My dc's are now 2 & 3yo

Original poster

Monkeyandbooba · 20/05/2009 00:15

Can I just thank you ladies for sharing your thoughts with me, and I admire anyone who is brave enough to leave their partners and then share their experiences.

So thank you, this is really helpful

OP posts:

Ready4anotherdecaffCoffee · 20/05/2009 00:39

I think also at the moment she'll be feeling quite numb. Over the next few days she'll be 'processing' what happened. and they are very good at wearing you down so that while you know this shouldn't be happening, you kinda accept that you deserve it, and caused it.

She's stuck in the middle of the madness, trying to survive each day walking on eggshells, and so from her position she can't really see or think clearly.

While at her mums there's also a good chance that she'll get all the i'm so sorry it won't happen again. This is equally wearing, and also fires up the tiniest spark of hope that maybe, just maybe, it won't happen again, making it even harder to consider and plan leaving.

Give her time, then maybe suggest an emergency bag at yours or somewhere, the WA website has all the info reqired in the handbook

HTH xx

Original poster

Monkeyandbooba · 20/05/2009 09:06

I texted her this morning and she has replied so I know she got home safely. Had a look at the Women's Aid website for some practical advice.

Talking to her - it's like she has been brainwashed and she doesn't know what is real or right anymore. I don't think at this point she is mentally ready, or able, to make the decision to leave him I'm worried for the children too.

OP posts:

Mamazon · 20/05/2009 09:08

i doubt she is, but her telling you is a very significant step forward.

this time away from him will give her the chance to think about things. hopefully she will be left in enough peace to reach a conclusion.

skihorse · 20/05/2009 09:12

I wonder if somehow this "whom it can happen to" needs to be addressed.

I found it hard to admit to myself that I was being beaten. I was a white, middle-class teenager at a very good school who rode horses. He was captain of the rugby team at his public school and from a very wealthy family. Domestic violence only happened to "poor, chavvy women" I thought...

Please give her the number of women's aid - do NOT write women's aid on the piece of paper - because if he sees it she'll get a slap.

Phoning Women's Aid saved my life.

GettingaGrip · 20/05/2009 09:17

Have a look at the cycle of abuse and also

this one which explains traumatic bonding

Show her these at your house .

Get her to call WA from your house.

Just be there for her.

Original poster

Monkeyandbooba · 20/05/2009 09:18

Skihorse - this is why I think the Keira Knightly advert is so good because it shows an attractive middle class, young woman being attacked (god that sounds terrible but YKWIM) because it blows away the myth that this only happens to "poor, chavvy women". I was shocked by the statistic that 1 in 4 women experience some form of domestic abuse in their lifetime - that is shocking.

I did wonder about getting lots of useful information together and leaving it at my house for her so if she ever felt the need to do something she would have somewhere to go and get help?

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dizietsma · 20/05/2009 10:44

"Domestic violence only happened to "poor, chavvy women" I thought..."

It's that exact prejudice that facillitated my mum and stepfathers DV relationship. Everyone was either blind to it because that sort of thing doesn't happen to people like us, or so perplexed by what was happening in such a nice family that they just ignored it.

cestlavielife · 20/05/2009 12:14

what helped me was being told by my friend - "he is an adult and he is wholly responsible for his actions"

"he cannot jsutify behaving like that"

"nothing you do justifes that kind of controlling response"

"you cannot change him but you can change how you react to his behaviour - by leaving you send a clear message his behaviour is unacceptable"

you doing right thing in being there

poshsinglemum · 20/05/2009 14:15

He has probably eroded her self esteem to the extent where she is convinced she won't cope without him. for your friend. One of my friends has this problem with her dp.

Original poster

Monkeyandbooba · 21/05/2009 21:15

Thank you for all your thoughts. My friend is now with her folks for a week and has managed to tell them what has been going on, they were a bit taken aback initially and couldn't believe that H would do this Anyway they are being supportive and will help her do what she needs to do.

Whether she leaves him now or in the future, it's too early to say but hopefully reaching out to people means she is taking those first steps towards happier times.

OP posts:

Alambil · 21/05/2009 21:51

she's broken the silence - that is the first and most important step

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