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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP wants me to change.

22 replies

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/05/2009 20:50

DP has said he wants me to change. I need to stop being 'arsey' (have had a year of PND and then a MC last month). I need to stop thinking about myself (even my doctor told me I need to START making time for myself.)

I said you can't go in to a relationship to change someone or that someone's not for you. He accused me of trying to finish with him and said he will 'just have to live with it' if I won't change. I said no one should go through life like that. He said I'm trying to push him away.... and a few other things that I will add if I remember (sorry to drip feed but I'm upset and not really thinking properly).

What now?

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 19/05/2009 20:52

counselling?

is this a clumsy way of saying he wants to see you happier?

clam · 19/05/2009 20:55

Well, I think there's a difference between wanting someone to change their personality, as opposed to wanting them to to change the way they treat you.
I married DH because I loved and liked who he was. However, at times we have Had Talks about changing certain aspects of our interaction (if that doesn't sound too pompous) or behaviour if it's been causing angst to the other. Which is fair enough, I think.

clam · 19/05/2009 20:56

What I mean is: does he want you to change, or bits of your behaviour?

Original poster

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/05/2009 20:58

Well he said attitude. He said I seem like I don't care about him (when I thought I was too lovey dovey) and stuff like that. I'm so confused.

OP posts:

HappyWoman · 19/05/2009 21:05

if you have had pnd you may not realise just how 'down' you have been and it can be really wearing for someone to witness that.

Ig he is asking you to only change a few things i think that is ok.

I can be a bit harsh at times and have to make sure i aknowlegde h when he comes in from work.

Try and have a good chat about what you can both do.

Original poster

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/05/2009 21:19

He just threw a fit because I only ate half a kit kat and left the other half...?

OP posts:

unavailable · 19/05/2009 21:30

Why is he worried about your eating habits?

Original poster

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/05/2009 21:36

i don't know. I guess I have been eating a lot lately. It seems to bother him.

OP posts:

unavailable · 19/05/2009 21:56

This is clearly not about a kitkat (or even half a kitkat).

From what you say he is in no way trying to bring an end to your relationship, but does sound concerned about what is happening to you and between you.

Can you ask him how he feels?

Original poster

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/05/2009 21:58

He said he doesn't want to talk about it and when I asked why he said he 'can't be bothered'. He doesn't do talking about emotions, which is really hard work!

He said I say 'whatever' when he tries to talk to talk to me, but I only say that when he's going off on one.

OP posts:

unavailable · 19/05/2009 22:30

It sounds as if you both only do the "emotional" talk when you are upset/angry and the usual response from the other person is to close down and get defensive.

Could you try to talk to him when you are both feeling ok and relaxed? Or write down the points you want to make and ask him to do the same.

nikki1978 · 20/05/2009 07:21

Tell him that you are confused by what he has said and need him to help you by telling you everything he is concerned/angry about. If he has to do that by writing it down so be it. But it is not fair to give someone a vague reason for wanting change and then refusing to elaborate....

Pheebe · 20/05/2009 08:15

I wouldn't normally do this but I'm going to share something here that I hope may help you see your situation a little differently.

In the year before DH and I got married I got pregnant and had a late mmc. It was my first pregnancy and I found it incredibly traumatic although initially everyone thought I was coping admirably. I became very depressed and frankly a nightmare to live with. I remember one day very clearly DH (who was Dfiance at that point) and I were sorting out a room ready for his family to come and stay in for the wedding, I burst into tears and ran off saying this was supposed to be the babies room and refusing to do any more. DH shouted after me 'For gods sake, the sooner you get over this crap the better for all of us'. I was shocked to the core. Not only was this the first time he'd ever raised his voice to me but I couldn't believe how incredibly insensitive and hurtful he'd been. I hated him and had he been anyone else I suspect we'd have had a huge row. As it was we had a huge heart to heart. He explained how painful it was to see me hurting so much for something that to him was just a theory, a possibility. He hated the fact he couldn't fix this and wanted 'me' back, not this depressed, unhappy person who blew hot and cold from one minute to the next. It was a turning point for me. I began to get some persepctive back and we still got married.

Looking back, 9 more mcs later and 2 lovely boys in tow I understand now what he meant. It is incredibly difficult to watch someone you love hurting. It takes a special person to stand by your side through those dark times and it sounds to me like your DH is doing just that. It sounds to me like he's crying out for his DW back. I suspect when he says you need to stop thinking about yourself he's asking you to stop focusing on your own pain and see his too so you can get through this together. Of course its not your 'fault' you've had/got PND and are grieving for a mc on top of that but perhaps see this as your wake up call to set yourself on the road to recovery. You never get over a mc but you can learn to live with it and get on and enjoy life.

Your GP is right, you do need to make positive time for yourself. Not time to sit and focus on whats past, but on life today and in the future. I would also say you need to make time for you as a couple.

Well, I hope that helps anyway. Be kind to yourself and honest with your DH.

FabulousBakerGirl · 20/05/2009 08:17

It comes across that he is trying to bully you and if it is through concern for you it isn't appearing that way.

What do you want to do?

dittany · 20/05/2009 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pheebe · 20/05/2009 11:23

Sometimes a little bullying from someone who cares about us is what we need, especially when our views and judgement are clouded by depression. I'm sure had I come to mn with my situation all those years ago the advice I would have received would have been to kick DH out and definitely not marry him. Thank god I didn't. I needed those harsh words to kick start me into action. Depression and grief can paralyse us in ways we don't realise. OP, please don't be too hasty to condemn your DH as a bully. Take the time to talk with him honestly and look at ways you can get through this together.

Acinonyx · 20/05/2009 11:53

I had a very similar experience to Pheebe and completely agree with her posts (only you tell of course if they are relevant to your situation). I got very depressed after a m/c after IVF and then a failed cycle. At one point, dh (who never raises his voice) told me in no uncertain terms over breakfast on holiday that he was 'sick and tired of (me) being depressed'. I was very shocked and upset - but it is very hard on the partner. One one partner is chromically ill, it can feel very lonely - as though you have lost them (BTDT).

I hope you can both talk openly and calmly about this and try to explain what you both need from each other and in general.

Original poster

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 20/05/2009 21:15

Had a big long chat with DP and he said what you all said- that it's breaking his heart watching me falling to pieces. Which is nice, but Goodness me I've never been this run down, feel dreadful.

OP posts:

Pheebe · 20/05/2009 21:20

O if I could give you a big hug I would {{{}}} Things will improve and now you know for sure you have the love and support of your DH.

Has your GP suggested any treatment for your depression? I would strongly suggest some counseling at least. I have to run now but I'll try and dig out some support group details for you if you'd like.

Original poster

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 20/05/2009 21:27

Aw that's a lovely thing to say. I'm meant to be on Fluoxetine but I keep thinking I'm better, coming off it, and then this happens. I just don't want to be on anti depressants for my wedding in 2 months or I'll look back on it like a bad time in my life IYSWIM when really getting married is fantastic.

OP posts:

FabulousBakerGirl · 21/05/2009 08:16

I know I am on ADs for a long time and believe me it is better than the alternative.

There is no shame in needing medication and if you don't take what you need feeling crap mmight spoil your wedding.

Just a thought.

Pheebe · 21/05/2009 08:24

FBG is absolutely right,there's no shame at all. More shame in not taking something that can help I would have thought, the ADs are treating a chemical imbalance in your brain. Its nothing you've done and its not a sign of weakness.

If you're getting married in 2 months (yippee ) all the more reason to get them started so you can be on top form and really enjoy your special day.

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