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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Finally called it a day on saturday but why do i feel like this

17 replies

mumnotarobot · 19/05/2009 20:31

I have been with my ex p for almost four long years. I have been feeling a some time now that the relationship isnt going in the direction i want it to go. And although i was inlove and loved him and vise visa, it was becoming more unbearable to stay in a relationship that for me seemed stuck. We are both in our late 20's, i have a ds who is 6 and i want more children. We didnt live together, i wantyed married and kids, he said he did also but there seemd to be no plans in the making and everything became talk and stress. I saw him once a week and for me that was not helping the relationship grow.
My decision came out of the blue. I wanted him to take care of my ds on saturday because i was feeling poorly and again it seemed that i had entered a scene in world war three. It was always a battle if i wanted to infringe on his saturdays and although he'd eventually said yes he made it a chore and frankly id become fed up with this attitude.
So i just spatted it out, and i havent looked back since. Infact i am ever so certain that this is the right decision for me and my son. But of course there are feelings between me and my ex. He obviously has taken it badly and refuses to speak to me. I can completely understand his reaction but i dont want it to interfere with the relationship he has with my son. I know that may seem selfish but my son calls him dad and he has been in his life since he was 2. Does the fact that we have ended means they have also?? I hope not!

OP posts:
mumblecrumble · 19/05/2009 20:43

You feel bad cos its not worked out.

SOmeone said to be that often doing the right thing is hard and messy. Like squeezing a good spot.

Really sorry. He's a twat [sorry] for not looking after your ds when you were poorly. You deserve better. You wouldn;t have found betrer being with him.

Hope you are ok.

mumnotarobot · 19/05/2009 20:55

Im ok because i know it is the right
decision for me and my son.

But of course i am sad it hasnt worked out.

The worse part of it is i truly thought he'd fight for me. And i guess the sad reality is he hasnt.

It hurts. He was my first partner. I havent been with anyone who loved me and wanted a relationship. He is the first person i met who loved me, told me he loved me and for the most part treated me like a princess. My family loves him and his family loves me. And we became best friends. But its been the same for three and half years. Infact its gone backwards. How could i possibly stay and work things out, thats all i ever do. I am just fed up with trying now. I want better! (so why does it hurt so much?)

I dont know what to do apart from hope for the best. I feel like ive robbed my son of a dad. Now hes lost two. But how do you stay in something that isnt fruitful.
I could never have stayed for the sake of my son having a father figure. I rather do it alone. If im honest i was doing alone anyways.

OP posts:
mumblecrumble · 19/05/2009 20:59

He's not lost a Dad. Your ex has lost a son. That must hurt, am so sorry.

It is very natural it hurts. If it difin;t you'd be acold person.....you're a Mum not a robot!!!!

Do you mind me asking what the chap said when you ended it?

cheekysealion · 19/05/2009 21:00

It hurts becasue you are closing a door on what you dreamed would happen with him- your haooy ever after...

but after this long would it really change

i have had a relationship like this for 6 months only seeing each other once a week etc. and already it is getting me down so how you have managed for 4 years..

you deserve someone who makes you feel mor special than this and you will find that person

be good to yourself and give yourself time to heal from this before moving on

mumblecrumble · 19/05/2009 21:10

That's true. You are greiving for that potential you saw and the hopes and dreams. hey could still be possib;le!!! Maybe by yourself or with someone else.

mumnotarobot · 19/05/2009 21:18

well he basically said to me if we could talk about it later.And later has been two days.

OP posts:
cheekysealion · 19/05/2009 21:21

have you had any contact with him since?

mumblecrumble · 19/05/2009 21:33

Do you think he took you seriously?

aseriouslyblondemoment · 19/05/2009 21:33

try your very best to stay strong here and keep occupied resist the urge to make contact
i can assure you he will come to you given time they always do
keep cool and make him work for this you need to know that he's in this long haul

mumnotarobot · 19/05/2009 21:43

I have had contact but that was a brief phone call. Nothing much was said about the spilt. His friend was killed in a tragic car accident- i can hear in his voice things arent great. I dont know what to do. My decision is final. I can honestly say i wont go back to how things were.

  • aseriouslyblondemoment i do want him to work for this. I do believe deep down it will be the better for us.

But i am aware of it not working out and maybe we just arent meant to be. If im honest im not too bothered about that right now either. I am just hurting because i thought it was forever. And the thought of four years wasted wells me up each time.

OP posts:
OrangeFish · 19/05/2009 21:51

Those year were not wasted. You would not have stayed that long if at least part of them had not been good. Don't write off your time with him like that, it could only make you feel worse. And at the moment you need to stay strong.

What will be will be, it may be that this break up put you in a better position to get the life you would like. Or it may give him the courage to move the relationship forward.... but if he doesn't... well, lets say that it was better now than a few more years down the line.

A big hug

OrangeFish · 19/05/2009 21:52

BTW, if his friend has just been killed... I perfectly understand he has been more silent than expected. He may be coming to terms with his death and may not be able to think about other things, no matter how important, at this time (it happens)

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 19/05/2009 21:57

SOrry but it does sound like, for whatever reason, this man was not really interested in forming a full-blown couple-relationship with you. NOw is a good time to concentrate on building a nice life for yourself and DS: only contact the man for the moment WRT access etc.
Best of luck. SOon it won't hurt and you will wonder why you didn;'t get rid of him sooner.

mumnotarobot · 19/05/2009 21:57

thank u orangefish i needed that, even if it is virtual.

I havent told my ds. I have really been trying not to show any emotions over this. If im honest i though i was ok.

I will be, i have to be. I have my ds to look after.

The saddest part of all this is. I met ex when i was at my lowest point in life. Things were pretty bad. I was borderline suicidal. And he was a friend, a brother, a lover, my support system everything.
For the past two and half years i have really pulled myself up and things have change dramatically. I still dont have many friends but i socalise a lot more and i am confident in caring for my ds and do more stuff with him and needed/relied on my ex as i used to.

And i dont have anyone i talk to or who knows me as well as he does. I mean every little thing im on the phone to him.

And jus recently we lost a baby. hmmm
I dont know. The way things turn out.

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 19/05/2009 22:03

oh god that's awful news
the best way forward here is to give each other space to think
and yes he needs to show he's willing to make this work
the ball is def.in his court here
be prepared that it might take time

aseriouslyblondemoment · 19/05/2009 22:04

am sorry to hear

mumnotarobot · 19/05/2009 22:11

itd be wierd not speaking to him every day. Ive spoken to him every day since the day we met. lol

We may not see each other every day due to him living in a different borough (long story) but he has such great potential.

I guess frustration is im years ahead of him. He only learnt to cook clean and look after himself when he met me. Sad to say hes been a victim of the 'mum'. And in some ways although he is a year older than me he is a boy in many ways. I had my son at 22. And i have had to grow up quicker, and i am far more responsible than he is espcially financially.

It seems as though im making excuses here. But im just taking in the advice by orangefish. Our years together werent wasted. I learnt a lot through those years. And i have yet to meet a man who takes on a child that isnt biologically his and love them the way he loves my ds. I guess like every man he is just lazy and especially on a saturday. lol

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