I just want him to come home....

[Worldturnedupsidedown]

My world fell apart 6 weeks ago when my husband left for a 'few days' and then decided not to come back...

Things had not been great for us for a while but I just thought we would sort it out and always be together. Not once did I think it would ever come to this.

My story goes like this...We emigrated to the USA back in 2005 and everything was great, until we had to return in March 2007. A member of my family (though not directly related) caused alot of problems that ultimately mean't we had to come home.It was an awful time for us but life went on and we moved back into our old home (that we had rented) ploughed ourselves into work etc to try and get us and the kids back to normal.

From that point I always thought my H seemed to lose his sense of homour somewhat and this seemed more apparent last August when he snapped over something pretty trivial..I remember thinking how unlike him to be like that.

My son who had just left school, decided that he wanted to join the army and was not going to go into 6th form. This upset me and H as he did not seem keen to get a job either...this caused no end of upset between us all as he has sat around for a nearly a whole school year doing nothing, apart from some occasional casual work. We have a daughter too, who is 11. Around October time, things came to a head and H & I fell out on and off over all sorts of things. Eventually we kind of sorted things out as he said he felt work had been so stressful and that everything would be okay.I remember thinking that I felt there was more to it than that.

Well around the end of February, he started to get moody again and seemed offish all the time. I started getting on at him saying that he did'nt seem as affectionate and was miserable. He would'nt really talk to me about it and just seemed to clam up. It came to a head one night when we went for a drive and he told me that he felt bored in our relationship and that he felt we had moved apart from each other. Also that he loved me and cared for me, but did not feel in love with me anymore.But he did'nt know what to do about it

At that point I think my world fell apart and I could not believe what I was hearing. I can't really remember what happened from that point onwardsapart from me constantly crying and trying to get him to talk to me. I kept asking him things and he kept saying "I don't know" He said he wanted to go away for a few days so that he could miss me but did not feel he could do it. He wrote me a 5 page A4 letter saying how he felt.

We even went on a holiday with my parents (even though he said he did'nt want to go in the end) and it was the worse holiday of my life. He was civil during the day but once he'd had a few drinks with my dad he would glare at me and not talk to me!! Once we had returned we sat down and tried to talk again; but I really felt we could'nt move forward unless I let him go..we were both crying and he was asking me what should he do. I remember saying that I did'nt want him to leave but I could'nt make him stay either. He shoved a few things in a bag and said he would be back.

That was 6 weeks ago and in that time he has decided that he does not want to come back and has just moved into a flat.He said he does not want to take anything from the house. He now seems quite adamant that is what he wants and I am just left in turmoil. He says he wants to help out as much as I will let him and still loves me and still cares......then why isn't he here.I know if I asked him to come around and do stuff in our house, he would be here. I feel so desperate and half lost a stone in weight. I have gone back to work but just sit there like a zombie. I love him and miss him so much I feel like my air supply has been turned off. Even though he says he does'nt want to come home, I am still clinging to the hope he will change his mind.I don't think I have cried so much in my whole life and feel sick at the thought he might meet someone else.

I don't know if there is someone else; I have asked him and he has denied it. He is always available to have our daughter and would have her everyday if I let him, so I just don't know. My son leaves to join the army in 2 weeks and that in itself is a huge wrench for me....and now this....

I want to see him but I don't want to see him as it upsets me so much. My son has a formal ceremony on Friday to officially welcome him to the army and my H wants to go aswell as me. What do I do? I am scared to see him?

My world fell apart 6 weeks ago when my husband left for a 'few days' and then decided not to come back...

Things had not been great for us for a while but I just thought we would sort it out and always be together. Not once did I think it would ever come to this.

My story goes like this...We emigrated to the USA back in 2005 and everything was great, until we had to return in March 2007. A member of my family (though not directly related) caused alot of problems that ultimately mean't we had to come home.It was an awful time for us but life went on and we moved back into our old home (that we had rented) ploughed ourselves into work etc to try and get us and the kids back to normal.

From that point I always thought my H seemed to lose his sense of homour somewhat and this seemed more apparent last August when he snapped over something pretty trivial..I remember thinking how unlike him to be like that.

My son who had just left school, decided that he wanted to join the army and was not going to go into 6th form. This upset me and H as he did not seem keen to get a job either, ...this caused no end of upset between us all. We have a daughter too, who is 11. Around October time, things came to a head and H & I fell out on and off over all sorts of things. Eventually we kind of sorted things out as he said he felt work had been so stressful and that everything would be okay.I remember thinking that I felt there was more to it than that.

Well around the end of February, he started to get moody again and seemed offish all the time. I started getting on at him saying that he did'nt seem as affectionate and was miserable. He would'nt really talk to me about it and just seemed to clam up. It came to a head one night when we went for a drive and he told me that he felt bored in our relationship and that he felt we had moved apart from each other. Also that he loved me and cared for me, but did not feel in love with me anymore.But he did'nt know what to do about it

At that point I think my world fell apart and I could not believe what I was hearing. I can't really remember what happened from that point onwardsapart from me constantly crying and trying to get him to talk to me. I kept asking him things and he kept saying "I don't know" He said he wanted to go away for a few days so that he could miss me but did not feel he could do it. He wrote me a 5 page A4 letter saying how he felt.

We even went on a holiday with my parents (even though he said he did'nt want to go in the end) and it was the worse holiday of my life. He was civil during the day but once he'd had a few drinks with my dad he would glare at me and not talk to me!! Once we had returned we sat down and tried to talk again; but I really felt we could'nt move forward unless I let him go..we were both crying and he was asking me what should he do. I remember saying that I did'nt want him to leave but I could'nt make him stay either. He shoved a few things in a bag and said he would be back.

That was 6 weeks ago and in that time he has decided that he does not want to come back and has just moved into a flat.He said he does not want to take anything from the house. He now seems quite adamant that is what he wants and I am just left in turmoil. He says he wants to help out as much as I will let him and still loves me and still cares......then why isn't he here.I know if I asked him to come around and do stuff in our house, he would be here. I feel so desperate and half lost a stone in weight. I have gone back to work but just sit there like a zombie. I love him and miss him so much I feel like my air supply has been turned off. Even though he says he does'nt want to come home, I am still clinging to the hope he will change his mind.I don't think I have cried so much in my whole life and feel sick at the thought he might meet someone else.

I don't know if there is someone else; I have asked him and he has denied it. He is always available to have our daughter and would have her everyday if I let him, so I just don't know. My son leaves to join the army in 2 weeks and that in itself is a huge wrench for me....and now this....

I want to see him but I don't want to see him as it upsets me so much. My son has a formal ceremony on Friday to officially welcome him to the army and my H wants to go aswell as me. What do I do? I am scared to see him?

So sad to read your story. Someone will be along soon to offer words of advice. Take care xx

don't know what else to say sorry

oh poor you - it does sound as if he has made up his mind though.

I must admit i do wonder if there is anyone else too, but if he is always available there may not be.

I dont really know what to say for the best all i can say is to make yourself the 'best' you can and hope that he sees you and falls back in love with you.

Do you think maybe you got lost along the way - try and do some things for you.

Take this as a chance to do the things you want now - find a new hobby maybe, meet new people and learn to love yourself for who you are again. He may also begin to like who you are becoming again.

I know you dont want to, but if he thought you had someone else it might make him feel differently too.

Good luck.

I had a female friend who thought she was 'bored' with her life and her h and so left him - only to regret it massisively when she saw her h in a new light, and even more so when there was a new woman taking an interest.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I have been through similar so I understand the pain, panic and confusion you are feeling. You are also in the first stages of grief.

Your son's formal ceremony will be difficult for you but of course you will be there. Try to have limited contact with your H as possible. I'm afraid that right now, he will not be able to provide you with the answers you need.

You need to take care of yourself and get as much RL support as possible. There are many much more experienced and wise mumsnetters here who will come along soon to help I know. In the meantime, please know that you will get through this, whatever the outcome, and you will be ok.

I just want to offer you lots of support and strength.

Thanks for your kind words. I just can't stop thinking about it all and now it is mush in my head and I drive myself crazy with it. I wish I could wake up and it all be a bad dream.

I keep trying to think up ways of getting him back! Will he ever come back? I know we had problems to sort.But we have always been good together.Everyone used to say how solid our relationship was :-(

Happywoman- I do think maybe I lost myself too. I have not been happy since coming back from the USA. I did tell him I felt I relied to much on him for my happiness but felt he always put everything before me...rugby..work.

I just can't seem to find the energy to do anything. I just drag myself through the day and can't wait to get back into bed to cry....

Another thing too is that my H used to be in the army until 11 years ago and I think he may be envious that my son(he is from a previous relationship but has known my H as his dad from the age of 4) is joining up now..He is 35, I am 39. There are so many things I keep thinking of....

Sorry, can't offer much advice but I do know that it will hurt for a long time, then one day it will get easier and the pain will subside.

It is the same as grief so let it all out.

And happywoman is right, start doing some things just for you. Throw yourself into a hobby or whatever you are interested in.

I threw myself into keep fit and feel much better for it and it is something just for me. I look forward to it, and I know when you feel like you do that is a problem. It is hard to look forward to anything.

I must say that talking it through with a counseller will help. Whether your h decides to be involved or not. You can use relate but there are people in the yellow pages who will probably charge the same (just check they are qualified).

Please take care of yourself and let him see that you are a strong woman who can look after herself

So sorry to hear that you're going through this. Even if he says he doesn't want to get back together, would he consider going to a counsellor with you so that you can talk through what's happened?

That must be heartbreaking. I don't have any advice for you but sending my thoughts.

Would he be willing to go to counselling?
It does sound like a mid-life crisis type situation.
Hope you can work it out or come to some acceptation of it if not.

WTUD - so sorry to hear your story. Sending you big (((hugs))) which is probably what you need right now.

Same thing happened to me (seems like it's happened to most MNers unfortunately).

I couldn't accept it and consequently kept phoning and texting when I really should have given him space to sort his head out.

You need to do this. For your sake as well as his. By all means attend your son's ceremony, but try very hard not to show your DH you're upset. He'll be impressed that you're coping without him.

It may only be for a short time, it may be a long time or it may be forever, but you have to start thinking about YOU and what you want to do with your time apart.

Like you, I was too dependent on my DH and suffocated him. I can see it now, but couldn't at the time.

He'll make up all sorts of reasons for it but space is probably what both of you need.

My very best wishes and I hope you get what you want eventually

I am so sorry this has happened to you!

Do take the best care of yourself possible - treat yourself and be kind to yourself. Try to develop interests and an interesting life around yourself - This is often much more attractive to a partner and sets you up better for ther future if he remained away (sorry)

Think carefully who you tell - it is good to tell a few close friends and family for support.

Get as much real life support as you can

Counselling can be really helpful - it can be possible to get this individually on the NHS through your doctor but will take longer and be less flexible than paying privately. Ask him if he would go to counselling either alone or together.

Take support ffrom this site - MNetters can make a difference!

Look after your children as best you can. IT may be helpful to tell their school teacher so they know what is happening for them

It sounds as though mid life crisis could be involved - there are some useful sites on this such as midlifecrisis.com.

Keep posting for support

My dh left me two days ago so I am still in that fog now too. I am trying hard not to contact him but have sent texts - its a standard reaction I suppose - trying to make them see what you see.

Give it time - what else can we do? If its meant to be it will be. Keep talking though - I have found it useful to vent on here.

There is a thread called help my husband left on Sunday and there are lots of us in varying stages going through the same thing for differing reasons. Don't know how to do links but joining in there may help too?

Keep going.

Those first few days are hell on earth.I did'nt get out of bed for 4 days. My mum ended up calling my H to tell him!! I was mad at her but understood as she felt so desperate for me.

I know what you mean about contacting my H Semper, but it is him that is usually contacting me. He sent me an email the other day asking if everything is okay at home and let him know if anything needs doing!!

I really don't know how I should handle him now...should I tell him to leave me alone (but I really want to see him), be friendly, ignore him? I just don't know what to do. It is driving me crazy. He dropped my daughter off tonight and stood in the doorway. I hid upstairs and listened to his voice...so weird after we have been together for so long and now I am scared to see him. Scared that everytime I see him it makes it more real. I have Fridays ceremony to overcome...how am I going to get through that??

I went to see a counsellor today that has been organised through work. THey have a confidential line that you can call day or night with people at the end of the phone. I have called a few time and just bawled down the phone. The lady I saw just asked me to talk about what had happened. I could not get my words out as I was crying so much. She said that what had happened in the USA was so devastating that it had had a huge impact on our relationship.

I am going to smoke a cig now, that is a shit habit that I have taken up again....

I honestly don't know how you are going to cope with Friday but you can and you will, for your sons sake.

My DH is in the army and these passing out parades are so important. A real chance for them to show off

It is going to be hard but just try & focus on why you are there. I am trying to think how I would handle that in your situation and you know what I just don't know.....

As for contact with him, he wants to be in contact with you - is that in a nothing has happened lets be friendly sense while you are thinking oh my God I can't just talk to you as a friend you are my husband sense? I think thats how I would be feeling.

My mam is here now (from the north east and I live in the South East) so at least somebody is here to be with me.

I know what you mean about the early days - I have had lots of screaming into my pillow moments and yesterday even lay on the floor in the hall crying while ds was napping

I don't know where we go from here either. I too am desperately hoping he comes back

No sage advice really I'm afraid as I am too messed up myself to even think straight at times.

I am having random thoughts like - does this mean I am not going to have any more children? Something I would dearly love to do .

Just keep posting. You aren't alone. It seems as though so many of us are going through this right now.

Oh poor you. Yes it is so crap isn't it. I told the counsellor that I felt messed up. People at work ask if I am feeling any better, like I am suddenly going to wake up and say 'oh I feel i okay today'. I know they are only concerned for me but Urghhhh..I want to scream.

I don't know if crying does any good. I asked my friend today if every time you cry..does it heal you a little??

I am glad you have your mum with you.It helps for a while but then I found that I lean't on mine too much and she was doing everything for me..like a nursemaid. In the end I was sort of glad when she went as I felt it was'nt real and I would never cope if she was still here. So she is back in the USA..bless her.

Worldturnedupseidedown - just wanted to post to see how today went for you?

I have been thinking of you today and hope you got through it relatively unscathed. Post if you can.

Hi, I managed to get through todays ceremony ok. I felt sick when I saw my H but tried to hold it together. A friend of mine told me to make sure I looked fab, so I dressed up a bit and tried to act like I was in control.

I did catch him eyeing me up and down a few times!! He asked me if I was doing okay and if I was going out tomorrow nite. I have arranged for him to have my d as I was going to try and get out with a friend for a quiet drink. I really don't feel like going but need to start forcing myself to do stuff.

It was so odd to be sat next to him and not be with him.I kept looking at him out of the corner of my eye and pining to myself.I still love him so much and miss him.,It was so painful.I just wonder what will happen next or what I should do next .

How are things with you? Hope you are holding up okay.

Sounds like you did fabulously! Well done, it must have been incredibly hard.

Definitely do go out tomorrow, even if you don't want to. Even if you sit there miserable all night, I think its important that he sees you having some sort of life without him.

I'm not into game playing per se but he has to try & imagine a future where you are going out & having fun without him.

I can imaging how painful it must have felt. My DH came around last night to put DS to bed and it was all I could do not to run up to him, wrap my arms around hm & beg him to stay. I didn't (not sure how though). We talked and he does want the same as me but just isn't sure he can do it anymore .

At least I managed to talk to him and put my views across. We have had it so incredibly hard over the past 18 months or so lots of complex issues, some external. That it is no surprise to me that it came to a head. Difference is, I am willing to keep fighting and he says that all his fight has gone.

I am just in limbo like you. Having some wine tonight so am either gonna cheer up a bit or be all pissed and maudlin later. Glad my Mam is still here and Dad is on his way as I speak.

I have moments when I feel like I am strong and then most of the time I feel like my life is over..

I don't know if he cares if i get on with my life without him. Maybe seeing me okay will stop him feeling so bad for going...and I want him to feel bad!!!

Do you feel like you are in a dreamworld and you are outside looking in on someone elses life? I wanted to hug my H too..I just need some some love and it is a horrid feeling to lose it.

Hope you enjoy your wine...

I definitely feel as though I am in a dreamworld. I remember saying to my friends that I feel as though I am living in somebody elses nightmare.

I too feel as though my life is over but have to keep telling myself otherwise. My ds is giving me the srength I need at the moment, but then my heart breaks thinking that his Daddy is leaving him too. I don't want there to be whole weekends away from him while he is seeing Daddy.