Our 6th visit to the Stately Home.....

[oneplusone]

Hi all, took the liberty of starting a new thread. Keep on posting!

smithfield, hi and thank you for your post and thank you for reading my recent posts, i just seemed to have so much to say all of a sudden.

I think you have picked uo on something i haven't realised myself perhaps. That something has shifted since i decided to cut ties with my sisters. It's interesting you say my posts seem free-er as that is exactly how i feel, like i have been liberated, i no longer feel tied to people who i know i have absolutely nothing in common with, My sisters and i are only related by biology, in our hearts and souls we are from different planets, we are different species and cannot live comfortably and happily together. Forcing ourselves together only creates tension and unhappiness, we are much better off apart.

I can relate to so much of what you have said. The inability to move on past the knowledge of how our mothers mistreated us. And the inability to meet other's needs because we have a lifetime of our own unmet needs to make up for, me too. Although it is DH who mostly goes without as i try to meet the DC's needs first, then my own and DH is last on the list and often i run out of time and energy in meeting the needs of the first two items on the list. But things are slowly and gradually starting to improve on that score so hopefully DH is feeling a bit happier.

And again i can relate to what you said about not only being robbed of parents but also of sibling relationships which could have been fulfilling and sustaining in adulthood had they been nurtured whilst we were children. I know i have grieved over these losses, perhaps you are currently going through a grieving process about this?

I have been feeling really down about that mum friend i have been talking about. I realise so acutely now that our 'friendship' was never about me and her, it was always about how she could use and exploit my weaknesses and neediness and vulnerability at the time when we became friends, for her own ends. She used the information i had given her in confidence because i thought she understood and i thought i could trust her almost as a lever to get what she wanted from me which was to use DD as a friend for her son who was have problems making friends at school. I went along with her agenda at first unknowingly and i suppose i gradually started realising that she did have an agenda and i started trying to distance myself from her and i think she began to sense this and she turned nasty when it became apparent to her that i was no longer willing to let myself or DD be used by her. I am sure she behaved in the way she did because she has unreolved childhood issues of her own that she told me about, although she thinks she is 'sorted' but i know she is not because i can see how she is replaying her own history on her son without realising it. And her severe over-reaction to me no longer wanting to play along to her agenda is of course something i recognise having done myself. I just feel so sad that at a time when i really needed a friend and thought i had found a friend in her, all along she was just using me for her own ends.

On a completely unrelated note, i have realised that every time i ignore my deepest innermost thoughts and feelings, every time i ignore what the child in me is trying to tell me, i have a severe bodily reaction in the form of a severe allergy attack. This has happened to me 3 times now and it is only now that i am beginning to realise what is going on and how my bodily reactions are connected with what is going on in my head. Or more to the point, the bodily reaction occurs when i ignore how i really feel and do something opposite to what my innermost feelings are telling me to do. I am sure this sounds very weird but is this something any of you can relate to at all?

I am so used to ignoring my innermost needs and feelings. Again it is a habit learned in childhood where my parents made it very clear and i was very quick to learn that my needs, feelings, desires were of no importance and should always be ignored. And this is a habit i continued into adulthood. But i have only recently learned how to 'tune in' to the voice of my inner child, or my innermost thoughts, feelings and desires, or my authentic, and real as opposed to false self. I need to now learn to not go against my true feelings if i want to avoid the sort of severe bodily reaction i had yesterday. It is exactly as Alice Miller says "The Body Never Lies".

I realise i am now and always have been a deeply sensetive person, who loves deeply and therefore can also be hurt very deeply and i know this is true by how much i have been hurt over the years by my parents, sisters, friends etc. Perhaps a different child, a less sensetive child would have been less affected by what i went through. But the child that i was, was hurt so deeply by my father's abuse and my mother's neglect and her sisters' carelessness and thoughtlessness, it has taken me/her all this time to even begin to face up to what she has been through and begin to recover and heal so she can once again live a meaningful life.

I think i no longer have to numb myself as those around me now are sensetive to and care about my feelings, unlike those around me when i was growing up.

And even if those around me now are not always mindful of my feelings, i am now an adult and in control of my life and i no longer need to do things that i do not want to or put up with being treated in a way i don't like. I have choices and options unlike when i was a child and felt i had no choice but to live with the very people who were hurting me so much.

smithfield i am sorry you are having a hard time today. But i think any mother juggling work and children finds it hard and never feels like they are doing a good enough job in either area so i strongly feel you are not alone in how you feel about this. Just take a look at the going back to work threads, i read them and feel too scared to go to work as i know i will feel bad just in a different way to how i feel now being bored with full time SAHMhood.

The other feeling of being crap and useless, yes me too and yes you are being triggered i am sure. I always felt this way anytime DH even mildly criticised something i had/had not done in the house or if he even mentions his mother can do something well at home. I feel crushed and useless. I have realised that DH is not trying to demean me or put me down, but he is unwittingly tapping into my deep rooted insecurities caused by my parents who always made sure i knew how useless and incompetent they thought i was. i never heard one word of praise for them, not once. Do you think there could be something similar going on for you?

Now if DH says anything to me that would have made me feel useless in the past, i actively tell myself in my head that i am not useless and DH does not think i am useless, he is just telling me about one small thing that i could do differently, that's all. It's kind of a self help CBT type thing perhaps (have never had CBT but that's what i imagine it is).

'I feel crushed and useless.'- yes exactly how I felt today. I know I am tapping into internal feelings that I have pushed down deep inside me.
I think perhaps the desire to leave work and stay at home is part of my need to get away from anything that may 'expose' me as being the crap person I am. I'm not saying 'I am' a crap person but it is something that clearly exists deep in my subconcious. So deep I have no real control over it being triggered.
Like AN was saying about the way the brain processes stuff.
Yes opo I relate to what you were saying about only hearing criticism at home and never praise.
I feel like the 'real' me is so badly damaged and has 'so' many protective layers it is hard to reach the real me. If that makes sense. The real me (the child if you like, before all the crap that happened during my childhood) has learnt so many tricks to avoid being seen. A hard exter
Sorry for going on. I have been sobbing since the incident today, as though some valve within me has been released.
Yes, opo I think some of it may be grief for my siblings. I have no real relationship with any of mine. My db has not spoken to me since he last called. I upset him, and that is that.
It is too hard to bare sometimes it really is.

missed out a sentence there. It is chaos here right now. Will try and get on later.

Hi all,

so much to respond too, but I can't get everything down here in the limited time I've got, so will just try and get whatever comes to mind out... Smithfield, I think OPO is right, it must be extremely hard juggling work and motherhood and the guilt at feeling like you're failing at both is a well known phenomenon. And in your case if you're being expected to cram a full week into four days, it can only make it harder. Can you get any help, eg a cleaner, to make it easier? I'm at home full time but wouldn't cope without a cleaner, partly cos DS is very high maintenance and it's nigh on impossible to get stuff done when he's awake, he'll follow other people round if they're hoovering quite happily but if I'm doing it he starts crying for my attention. Also because he still wakes frequently in the night (and at lunchtime... sigh...) and so I need to rest whenever I can in the day. Anyway, I'm going on about my situation, but what I mean is you're not alone in finding it hard to cope - and I think that's true of an awful lot of mothers, even without a specially dysfunctional background - and so you more than deserve whatever extra support you can muster up/afford/whatever. It's NOT because you're crap or weak!!!! It's because life IS actually very hard, the way it's set up for us. The crying today actually sounds very good and healthy, sounds as if the thing with your boss has released something from way back, and just letting that grief be heard and felt must be healing in itself.

OPO and Smithfield - re siblings - wow, where do i start? OPO, like I said in my post to you way back on your birthday, it's very clear that our families don't need us the way we need(ed) them and that's a terribly painful place to be, when you see them all interrelating and fulfilling each other's needs, and you're the one left out, the one who's entirely dispensable... horrible, it's quite chilling to think of being brought up that way. And yet we were. I'm really glad, OPO, that you've reached the conclusion that you're better off without them, because I think it really will be liberating for you, as you are already finding. It's a measure of growing up, isn't it, to be able to face the facts and say "I am never going to get my needs met by these people, so I am going to give up trying." I think for you it's been so hard with your sisters because as you have said yourself, you almost replaced your mother/parents with them - so all the feelings that you buried about your parents' abandonment and betrayal of you were linked in instead to your relationship with your sisters. I wonder if you might have more grief surfacing actually about your parents now that you're cutting out your sisters?

Anyway, I know exactly what you mean by this: "My sisters and i are only related by biology, in our hearts and souls we are from different planets, we are different species and cannot live comfortably and happily together." That is SO true. I also feel like the gulf between me and my parents and brother is so huge that we are from different planets, inside. It's become really clear to me over the last few years of having DH in my life (celebrated our 5th anniversary on hols, hooray!) - because he and I ARE from the same planet, and now I can see the difference in a way that was difficult before because their way was the only way I knew in the past, not least because i always attracted people into my life who were more or less like them. But yes, with my family (of origin) there is no possibility of meeting half way - it's their way or my way, because the two ways of being and living and seeing things just aren't compatible. So in my situation we have what we have now - they go their way and I go mine (or we go ours, my little family and me) and ne'er the twain shall meet.

Pinky, you sound like you're going through the mill at the moment - your sister sounds awful too. You couldn't make it up, could you, how crap our families are! I hope you're managing to deflect her crap anyway. She's not going to change, you're not responsible for her, and you don't deserve that crap. That word again! Well, they all spent long enough making those of us who post on here feeling like we were/are crap, I feel like throwing the word back out there at them, THEY are the ones who are crap, crap mothers, crap fathers, crap brothers, crap sisters. CRAP!!!!!

My crap brother is so crap he never even sent a card for DS when he was born. I had gradually stopped speaking to him over the last year or so before I finally got pregnant; he made no effort at all to keep the relationship going, never rang me hinself etc. The last time we spoke I think was when i was on the phone to my nephew and DN innocently asked if anyone else in the family wanted to speak to me, and so my brother came on - didn't actually initiate the contact himself - and then it was just to try and give me a hard time about not phoning my parents (they'd obviously been whining to him, poor helpless victims that they are), and so I just said repeatedly that "if people didn't want to listen to me, then there wasn't much point in talking" which he just pretended he hadn't heard. Surprise! I had tried often enough to raise the issues with him - wrote him a long letter once too - and he just brushed everything I said or wrote aside, just dismissed it as flakiness really, that, or got really angry.

Even though I made huge efforts at making our relationship work for a good few years, and trod as gently and diplmatically as I could around him - my god, the number of times I bit my tongue in the face of his appalling behaviour - the times I did try to bring stuff up that I needed to say, he really didn't want to hear it. One time when I was really trying to bust him on his vile, violent temper, after after I (and his family) had been on the receiving end of it yet again, he just started going "la la la, I'm not listening" over and over again!! This from a middle-aged man in a very high up, responsible managerial role at work, an intelligent, educated man with two teenage children and the perfect family image. It's funny now, because I can just see what a prick he is now; it was almost unbearable at the time (this was years ago, before I'd met DH) because back then i still so DESPERATELY wanted their love, wanted them to listen to me, respect me, take me seriously. Is there anything more painful than begging people for their love, and them refusing to give it to you?

Anyway, so contact had fizzled out, until he heard I was pregnant, via my niece; then he rang to congratulate me. I let the call go to voicemail and didn't return it (I had already taken the decision then to cut off from them all as I had tried and tried so many times before to resolve things and got nowhere) and that was it. I've never heard from him since. That's how much effort I was worth to him. One phone call. Quite apart from being his only sister/sibling, I've also been a fucking brilliant auntie to his kids - I have put so much love and energy into those two, and cared about them so much, done loads to protect them from HIS toxic behaviour, played and laughed with them masses, and acted as a safety valve for them when they had no one else to talk to, no one else who listened to them - and I do think that I made a pretty big difference to them when they were growing up and that without my input they could have grown up a lot more damaged than they have done. I still send them crissie and b'day cards and presents - used to spend loads on them even back when I had virutally nothing myself - and you would think that out of basic decency he woudl feel he really ought to do something for my DS, but no, nothing, not a thing. Which makes it easier in some ways as i would have such mixed feelings about anything that came from him, but i still think it shows once more how utterly crap he is. Fucking useless crap brother.

Rose - good to hear from you, and thanks for the book recommendation, will look into it.

Sandcastles, I wasn't following the thread way back when but have read some of the early posts and your name is familiar, your mother sounds like such a piece of work... hello again anyway.

Smithfield - interesting what you wrote about your mother's family, so she was a replacement baby too in some way - sorry, I know it's not the main issue for you but I have such a fascination with the theme when I find it as it is relatively rare! I wonder if some of the reason she was so crap as a mother was the death stuff in her family, it was her mother who was the only one who survived out of loads of children wasn't it? And then if she internalised some of the trauma of her dead older brother, and then obviously never did anything to process or resolve that, I wonder how much that shaped her. NOT that it justifies or excuses in any way how crap she was with you, of course. I actually still want to go into more depth about all that death stuff but am cream crackered tonight. As usual! Am slowly coming to terms with it all more and more though. Actually feeling very good about a lot of stuff at the moment, am very happy with the shape of my life on the whole even though it's always a struggle one way or another. It's starting to hit me that among my contemporaries, I am NOT the least fortunate any more - and this is quite a shock for me. My identity was bound up in that; I had it programmed into my DNA that I had to be the biggest loser of then all, and for a long time I was.

Recently I have been finding it very hard that a lot of my mummy friends with DC1s the same age as my DS are now either pregnant again or have already had a DC2. I can't help but envy the ease with which other people can decide to try for another DC and bingo, they get one - the odds are so stacked against us having another, and I just don't have that knowledge that this thing, which for most people is utterly natural and attainable, is easily within our grasp if we wish it. But, having said that, I have heard a couple of stories recently from mummy friends of stuff they are going through, and it is really, really hard, heartbreaking stuff, devastating, life-changing stuff - and i realise that I am in many ways much better off than they are. And while I feel very much for them and wish they were not in the awful situations they're in, the realisation that even with the spectre of infertility looming over us again, we are not in the worst possible position compared to others in our sphere is quite a shock. I don't know if that sounds bonkers, or if I've explained it properly - it's just that this thing in me, this unconscious thing that I had to be the one that suffered more than anyone else, that was forced onto me by the spooky death dynamics and horrendous bullying and emotional neglect in my family - that thing, was actually TRUE for so long. Even though of course there are countless cases of far worse abuse than that which I lived through, even though i was always aware of this (and it often compounded my guilt and self loathing when I wondered why I was so fucked up and others succeeded in life despite immnense hardships) - I'm beginning to see that a big part of it was this thing, this NECESSITY for me to suffer. Even if some components of my life were ok (although in the past they mostly weren't!), the "law" that governed me was that I had to lose, so I did. I couldn't move beyond the death of my "sister" and later that of my nephew. I had to be the marker, the one that kept them alive somehow in the face of their tragic deaths. OK, I know this isn't making much sense, it's far too late and I'm still digesting this stuff myself, so I'm going to give up trying to clarify it for myself, for now - just going to add that this thing, that has been almost a part of me for all my life, seems to be - maybe, touchwood! - finally loosening; I am allowing myself to loosen it.

smithfield i agree with Bop about the tears. Tears are always a good thing, something is being released inside you and when you are done crying, i am so so sure you will feel a whole lot better, you will have moved on a stage in your journey to heal yourself.

Bop hello and thank you for your wonderful post. One thing that struck me when you wrote about you being a brilliant aunty and your DB not reciprocating at all wrt your DC. It's exactly the same pattern we have had with others, I have been a good sister/daughter/friend, but with these toxic people, it all goes unnoticed, unappreciated and is certainly never returned. But i sincerely hope that once your nieces/nephews are older, and surely some of the good you have done for them will have registered in their minds somewhere, that they themselves will show how much they appreciate you and care for you. You will be waiting all your life for your DB to act in a decent way, but hopefully your DN's will not be so damaged by your brother so as to grow up just like him. I hope for their sake too.

I have had another big realisation about myself, and again it was something i knew was there at the back of my mind but i was scared to look too closely at it. I realise that i was a deeply, deeply sensetive and thoughtful child, and i still am a deeply sensetive, thoughtful and caring adult. But i didn't want to face up to the sort of child i must have been as i knew then that the abuse by my father and my mother's neglect must have hurt me so so badly, because i am sure a deeply sensetive child feels things more intensely and painfully than a less sensetive child. And whilst some of my experiences with my dad would have traumatised even a less sensetive child, being the child that i was, i know i must have been indescribeably hurt, traumatised and devastated by his abuse and i just didn't want to think about how badly both his and my mother's behaviour affected me. But even the fact that it has taken me this long to even be able to talk about it, to open up, 39 years before i felt strong enough to face the pain of my childhood, tells me how deeply i felt hurt and betrayed by both of my parents and i know i must have loved them unreservedly, with all my heart, before it all went so wrong. This depth of feeling i am sure also explains the severity of my physical symptoms, my eczema and allergy attacks.

I can see that not all children are as deeply sensetive as i was. I can see that DD is not so sensetive, whereas DS seems to be more like me, very sensetive, capable of deep feelings, even at his age. Perhaps that also explains the natural affinity i seem to have with him, that i do not have with DD.

Bop, i'm glad you can understand what i mean when i said my sisters and parents are all from the same planet, whereas i am from somewhere else, but like you, my DH is from the same place as me, so i feel at home with him.

I will respond to other posts later but just want to type a quick post about the EMDR session I just had.

It was supposed to be about anxiety and there were certain events from the past which I was expecting to be talking about/thinking about during the EMDR but the strangest things came into my head which I didn't even think were very significant (and maybe they aren't I don't know)!

It kept coming into my head about times when I climbed up trees really high then realised I couldn't get down and one time when a boy said something/did something which made me have sudden rage so I pushed him and he nearly fell out of the tree and could have died! (but he grabbed on in time and didn't fall). I can't remember what he said/did that particular time to make me angry and I don't think it was significant, but what was signnificant was the fact that I had been building and building an internal rage against him for some time because he had been touching me inappropriately. Each time I never said or did anything and wouldn't let myself think about it afterwards because I felt shocked/scared by it but I wasn't scared to react to him in the tree or on the times when I had physical fights with him for the others in the street's amusement. Although I was much smaller and weaker the amount of rage I had meant that I sometimes won those fights. I managed to unleash some of the rage on some occasions.

There were other people I built up rage about but only unleashed it on certain occasions which had nothing much to do with the things they had done to cause the rage in the first place. I was scared to react at the time but not scared to react on the occasions that I did. I think it was more like the rage overtook me before I had a chance to think about it.

During the EMDR I then couldn't stop fantasising about punching the same few people over and over again really hard. I could feel the strength in my arms and I felt invincible. The rage was really coming out but I couldn't stop for ages, I felt I had to hit them loads and loads to get it all out. I wasn't thinking about hurting the people I was thinking about how incredibly satisfying it felt to vent my feelings and get some relief. Then I was thinking "I want to do this to YOU, not rage against myself with self destructive behaviours - YOU are the ones who deserve it" (about certain people from the past). Then I imagined kicking them to one side like kicking shit off my shoe because those people just don't matter or mean anything to me and I don't want or need them or thoughts about them in my life.

There is definitely something in this EMDR thing because I actually felt like I HAD hit them and felt myself start to relax in some way after. I felt a kind of peace coming!

I don't see what this has to do with anxiety though, the EMDR just seems to produce random processing of random things for me! Therapist thinks that anger and anxiety are very close though and is waiting to see if today's session makes some difference to the anxiety.

This all feels like gibberish to me at the moment (although I do feel quite good). Maybe it will make sense in a few days!

I have had a huge row with my GM. It is a long story which I am too tired to go into now, but she basically tried to imply I am a bad mother. I have been having more tense phone calls with her which is affecting my health (stomach cramps/anxiety). I was doing so well but she seems to prey when I am most vulnerable e.g. just had a baby. I have told her I don't want anything to do with her anymore

It would be nice to have someone to chat to on here as I am feeling drained and sad again

Rose- Just seen this. You poor thing. It is so tough looking after two little ones and your GM clearly cant stand not being centre of attention. Makes me so .
How do you feel about telling her you no longer want anything to do with her?

Partly relieved at the thought of not facing those draining phone calls and my little boy picking up on the tension. But also worried what people will think of me and sad that she thinks I am a bad mother

She is such a bitter, jealous person. However I didn't want to cut her out for my children's sake. I don't want them to be cross at me when they are older for cutting her out of their lives

Thinking of you all and your struggles with toxic families. Will post tomorrow with more details

It doesnt necessarily have to be the end of your relationship though. Think of it as taking a break.
I know what you mean about the kids (I still struggle with this at times). But remind yourself that what your kids need most is their mummy. If your GM distorts your relationship with your children because of the constant tension/ pressure from her contact. Its better for 'them' if you grab space from her.
You know you are not a bad mother. She knows you are not a bad mother. She installed your buttons at an early age and she is pushing them. She is trying to get 'at' you because she cant currently get 'to' you. She is angry and passively pushing/ offloading her anger onto you.
Hope you have a good nights sleep Rose and feel better for it tommorrow.x

hi ladies, just sticking my head above the parapet to say "watch out". Yesterday, the fact that I have posted on this thread was used against me and I was accused of being a potential "emotionally devoid" mother.

I was very upset by the fact that my abuse was used to beat me with - I never wanted to have to hide my "dirty little secret" - but anyone who's sensitive might think about changing their name for posting here.

Rose, I hope you are ok, how are you today? Do you feel any relief from telling GM you don't want contact? I don't think you should feel guilty for your children because cutting a toxic person out of their lives is a GOOD thing.

Skihorse, do you mean someone on MN has got at you about being on this thread or someone in RL?

OPO, how is it going having no contact with your sisters? Or have you had some? Is it helping?

ActingNormal Someone on this site - turns out it was a known "problem poster", but nonetheless I found it very hurtful at the time.

I'm feeling more upset than I feel I should that my parents didn't send DH a birthday card this year and he says they didn't send him one last year either (though I can't remember). They did send me one and we have never forgotten either of theirs.

He thinks that something either I or my bro have said has made them think that decisions I made about limiting contact with them all were influenced by DH and they are 'punishing' him for it.

I'm wondering what I said to make them think like this and wondering if my bro has said things maliciously to 'stir' or said things to them in a verbal lashing out sort of way when things I said to him made him angry.

They are normally particular about remembering birthdays and normally send a card a few days before the day to make sure it gets there. It isn't like them to do this and it isn't like them to do something petty or deliberately hurtful.

I feel guilty that what I have done has caused DH to be upset (although he doesn't seem as upset by it as me).

Thank you for your kind words. It has been quite a while since I posted here so I am a bit out of touch with what has been going on.

I found out that my GM had an affair with my grandfather's best friend. They married and adopted me and basically cut my grandfather out of my life (probably to hide their sordid secret). My poor mother's illness was made worse by all this

My GM then instigated me calling her mum, even when my biological mother was still alive. I think my adoptive father is a pathetic man who stole his best friend's wife and grandaughter.

It is just awful what went on. I am meeting my grandfather for the first time in a few weeks and my adoptive parents are terrified. Their toxicity has stepped up to a new level.

The one good thing is that I now have a good relationship with my aunty.

Bop - I think it was you who was worried about your niece. My adoptive parents have lied about my aunty, tried to manipulate me against her. After all these years their sordid secret and toxicity has been outed and I am now close to my aunty. I am sure your niece will discover that you are a lovely aunt in time

Would a normal person just phone their parents and ask WHY they hadn't sent their DH a birthday card?

The fact that they haven't sent him one this time or last birthday must mean it is deliberate surely, as normally they are very good at remembering and sending cards on time.

If I think back to last year, the only thing that could have made them think DH had done something bad is that I wrote to my bro and said that DH didn't want him to visit me at our home in the future but would rather I still visited him somewhere else without DH and the children. I said that I had thought about what DH said and I had also decided that was the best plan. I didn't want to involve the children with someone who could be in any way negatively affected if my bro's mind was still 'unstable' or became unstable again. I didn't want to take even the slightest risk. My bro probably told our parents all of this.

Even though it stemmed from what DH said to me, I decided myself that this was the best plan as well so I don't feel DH should be 'blamed' and not me.

I feel guilty that I SHOULD have said "Here is a joint decision we have come to" rather than making it look like DH's decision because I wanted to avoid my bro being really angry with me.

I feel my parents shouldn't blame DH for reacting the way any normal person would at the prospect of someone who became unstable enough to break the law and hurt people spending time with their children.

I also feel that my parents are taking my bro's 'side' against ME by reacting against DH's opinion/decision, because they know what he did to me and do they expect me not to have any feelings against him for that? Do they not feel angry with him at all for what he did to me? I thought they would respect mine and DH's decision and not do something to try to get back at DH!

Should they not be trying to do everything they can for me now after all they got wrong in the past? Surely the least they can do is send birthday cards to me, my kids AND DH.

I feel disappointed in them for doing something so petty.

Of course, maybe I'm getting it wrong and they actually forgot to send him a card or some other valid excuse. Maybe I feel so bad for nothing when I could just phone them and find out the reason (but I'm scared).

We are booked to visit them in a week's time and I feel like I don't want to make DH go there if they have something against him. I wouldn't go without him, they can either accept me as a package with DCs and DH or fuck off.

I could just do what I normally do and act normal like nothing has happened and I don't feel anything....then build up a nice bit of rage inside me and feel depressed for a few weeks because I haven't expressed it!

Maybe I'm being utterly pathetic about 'just' a birthday card. I do feel sensitive about birthdays anyway (something to do with the adoption I think). I don't get much emotional input from my parents but sending cards is one of the few things they do so it seems a bigger deal than if we were getting more out of them generally.

I'm feeling this as another little rejection of ME by them and I'm thinking I'm not taking anymore and if that is what it is then I will give up on them even more and see them even less.

Feel free to tell me not to be pathetic or tell me I'm overreacting if that is what you think because maybe I'm just tired/hormonal/stupid/neurotic. I just don't know.

Ah thank F for that!

I had a stern word with myself and just got on with it and phoned them up and asked them why they hadn't sent him a card and it turns out they DID forget! They sounded completely genuine.

I feel pretty stupid now! But very relieved!

All that venom I was feeling! I feel guilty for thinking it!

And I told DH and it seemed to cheer him up as well, so I feel I did the right thing for DH.

I feel like a paranoid venomous witch for jumping to conclusions.

I'm pleased with myself for not just letting it fester in me like I normally would though. I feel I've done the 'grown up' thing instead

AN I'm pleased with myself for not just letting it fester in me like I normally would though'

I have been making a concerted effort recently not to 'instantly' think the worst of people in any given situation.

When opo wrote about the friend that thought opo deliberately ignored her for not answering a call or text instantly...that's the kind of thing I would be guilty of 'thinking' of someone .

Well done AN for having the courage to openly communicate about it rather than let it 'fester' like you said.

Where do you think this skewed thinking comes from? Is it because we have a lack of basic trust? Or because people we trusted the most let us down so badly and did the worst things?

I'd be interested to know your thoughts.

I feel 'better' for trying to think more positively about peoples intentions. I still fall down a lot with this though. I find it so difficult to trust anyone.

Well there you go...perhaps I've answered my own question!

rose I have not got much time now, but I have to say I found your revelation about your GM really shocking.
Do you think it was her who instigated all of these things or step GF? Is he very controlling? Could he have pressured your GM. Not that it excuses her actions in anyway. She was an adult after all.
It just seems so 'deliberate' which makes her seem all the more sinister to me.
This is actually very close to what my aunt did. I will have to tell you the story another time though.
I honestly belive you are safer 'emotionally' by being as far away from this woman as possible.
Good luck with meeting your true GF.

Rose, your GM does sound dangerous! Emotionally dangerous and manipulative I mean. She really does seem like she wants to get what she wants and the thought of how it makes other people feel isn't important/doesn't occur to her. I wouldn't blame you at all for keeping your children well away from her.

Smithfield, Thank you - for making it look understandable (rather than me just being a bitch) why I would react the way I did because of past experience teaching me not to trust people. We were talking about it in the last therapy session - about not really trusting ANYONE, but it may not be true that nobody can be trusted, it may just be that I trusted the WRONG people in the past, not because I was stupid, because I was a child who had little choice.

I thought I hardly felt anything about my parents, but how hurt I felt when I felt they had deliberately tried to get at DH must prove that I DO still care how they feel about me? I was starting to come round to the idea that they were just crap at their job of parenting because they weren't 'cut out' for it but still loved us and never meant for anything bad to happen to us or to cause anything bad. I was starting to think the badness of my childhood was more my bro's and gf's faults and a few boys around at the time MORE than it was my parents' faults. Ie, the actual perpetrators' faults rather than the people who failed to protect me from them. I was in so much denial about the perpetrators doing wrong for so long and blamed it all on my parents, but I was starting to see the truth more I think. The thought that my parents COULD do something deliberately to hurt was scrambling my head again.

I'm so glad I told myself not to be stupid and just phone them up and not be scared of them anymore (not sure what exactly I'm scared of except their disapproval/annoyance which would be barely expressed anyway). I told myself even if they had done it on purpose and were angry with us I didn't need to be scared. As it turned out there was nothing to be scared of anyway.

"Where do you think this skewed thinking comes from? ..."

I do exactly the same thing, think the worst in people,dont trust people becasue when they let me down im not suprised in the least!