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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

should I try again or should I go?

25 replies

RobynPenrose · 18/05/2009 22:08

I have named changed as I don't want anyone to guess who I am.

I don't think I can stand any longer with DH. I have really tried almost to the point of being a 'surrendered' wife but still he treats me horribly.

I am a SAHM so don't earn any of our money so he thinks all the money is his. (I worked full time in senior job before dcs!)

He ignores me when I speak and is even encouraging our dcs to do the same.

He tries to make me feel guilty about everything I do, and succeeds most of the time.

There are other things that are too humiliating to even write down.

The crazy thing is, now he knows I am at the end of my tether, today has rang and said he loves me etc.

For the sake of our children I should stay, but for me I just want to get out before my resolve disappears again.

I know you have a one sided story but off the top of your head would you try to make it work for the children or go for your self.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/05/2009 22:11

save yourself and take the children with you, before they learn this abuse of you is normal behaviour

poopscoop · 18/05/2009 22:15

Well obviously you are very unhappy in your marriage and that must be felt by your DC.

Your DH sounds an arse.

How long have you felt like this?

You would certainly need massive changes if you were to stay, and wonder if he is able to change?

If not, then I would certianly call it a day. You deserve to be happy.

mrsboogie · 18/05/2009 22:16

AF is right, he is only doing this to go and you know it. As soon as your resolve wears off he will be back to his old c*nty self.

You know this.

Meglet · 18/05/2009 22:16

Go. He's not going to have a miraculous change of personality . Leaving would still be for the sake of the children, its not fair on them to see you being treated that way.

Hassled · 18/05/2009 22:17

In your shoes I would go. A very unhappy mother is of little use to her DCs - this staying for the kids stuff is usually bollocks. Growing up with a bully for a father and a miserable mother does not make for a happy childhood. And apart from them, you have the right to be happy.

mrsboogie · 18/05/2009 22:17

errrr sorry. He is only being nice because he senses you are preparing to leave.

catsmother · 18/05/2009 22:17

By the sounds of it you have already tried to make it work, and are being treated with abusive contempt despite all your best efforts to be the sort of wife DH demands (yet this still isn't good enough).

No-one will accuse you of not making enough effort ...... please go and don't look back. It really is the best thing to do for both you and your kids.

And no, he doesn't love you - if he did he wouldn't treat you like dirt.

Original poster
RobynPenrose · 18/05/2009 22:17

Thanks for the reply AnyFucker.
I would NEVER leave the children with him. I meant 'stay' in the marriage.
Where I go my children go.

OP posts:
passmethegin · 18/05/2009 22:19

"For the sake of our children I should stay"

Um, no. Quite the opposite.

onadietcokebreak · 18/05/2009 22:24

For the sake of the children and their future concept of a warm loving relationship you should go. This sounds like emotional abuse and by encouraging your children to ignore you he is teaching them the same.

You deserve better, your children deserve better.

Original poster
RobynPenrose · 18/05/2009 22:25

Thanks for the replies.

I am voicing my thoughts here so sorry if they are inconsistent or rambling.
Don't you think though that children are happier with 2 parents? I can't shake the feeling that I would be being completely selfish.
If I can hide what's going on from dcs, then they would have a stable childhood.
Am I a good enough reason to leave?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/05/2009 22:28

can you leave?

Do you have somewhere to go?

It doesn't sound like he is going to let you go easily. I hope someone turns up soon with experience of abusive r'ships because I believe the most dangerous time (physically) is when an abusive bloke realises he has lost his battle to keep you under his control....

onadietcokebreak · 18/05/2009 22:29

How old are your DCs? The older the get the more they will notice.

Yes you are a good enough reason not to say in this relationship.

Hassled · 18/05/2009 22:29

"If I can hide what's going on from dcs, then they would have a stable childhood."

But you won't actually able be able to do that, will you? Children are pretty tuned in to the atmosphere at home - it won't pass them by. They will pick up on your tension, and react accordingly.

And yes, you on your own is a good enough reason to go. If your DCs are mid to late teens I might disagree, but I'm guessing they're little. And they will always have 2 parents.

dittany · 18/05/2009 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MagNacarta · 18/05/2009 22:32

You can't hide it from the dc's - they will hear how he speaks to you and either copy it or feel one of many negative emoitions about it.

Original poster
RobynPenrose · 18/05/2009 22:39

Dc's are very little, 4 and 1.

If there was ever a second I thought they were being distressed I would absolutely protect them. They aren't at the moment but I can see as they get older this has to stop.

I do have places to go but unforunately everyone, including my family, loves my dh. He is a charming lovely guy to them.
He is only horrid to me. Maybe it is me!

OP posts:
Meglet · 18/05/2009 22:41

Not sure what dc's you have but would you want your ds's think that is an acceptable way to treat a woman and/or would you want your dd's to think it was ok to be bullied ?

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 18/05/2009 22:41

For the sake of the children you should go! They might be happier with two good, happy parents, but not with one abuser and one miserable parent - one happy, strong parent is much better than that.

The fact that he is teaching your DCs to ignore you and treat you badly shows they are old enough to notice what's going on - not only can you not hide it, but he is actively involving them in his abuse. You don't want them to end up doing the same to other people - or being on the receiving end like you - so you need to go, and give them a better model for life.

I know it's easy to say this when I'm not in the same situation, and much harder for you to do; but there are people out there who can help - have you spoken to Women's Aid for example, I am sure they would have some good words of advice for you?

dittany · 18/05/2009 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
RobynPenrose · 18/05/2009 22:54

Thank you. I will take a look at the books.

I know what he does is unacceptable.

He has said he wants us to talk tomorrow night and that I should think about what I want tonight, so we can go through it.
That should be fun!

Thanks again for the replies. Wish me luck for tomorrow.

OP posts:
dittany · 18/05/2009 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
RobynPenrose · 18/05/2009 23:04

Not really Dittany. In the early years we had a good relationship.
Lots of things have happened, and now I feel something has changed in me and I can't carry on with him like he is.
I don't feel scared of him at all which is weird.

OP posts:
lilacclaire · 18/05/2009 23:14

He is treating you as though you are worthless and teaching the kids to treat you in the same way!

Get out now!

serajen · 19/05/2009 12:26

Oh love, he's doing the typical emotional abuse stuff, grinding you down, making you feel it's your fault. Yes YOU are enough of a reason to leave, more than enough, it's such a hard decision when your self-esteem is on the floor but a better life awaits you.

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