Need to share - sorry it's long - first ever msg board post

[DesperateCliche]

Okay, please be kind to me - I have never, ever posted on a message board before, but I am in such a muddle and have read some really sensible responses to other people's concerns on here.

My DS is not quite 2 years old. I married my DH in a 'shot-gun' style wedding 6 weeks after we found out we were pregnant - my husband wanted our baby to been born into a marriage,I guess he's old fashioned. Our marriage/relationship has never really been about grand passion or anything - we just get along okay and we're quite a good parenting team.

So, when this builder guy turned up to give us an estimate on some building work back in March, I had that 'thunderbolt' moment that I thought only happens in movies. He and his team worked for us for two weeks and over that time I got to know him and the thunderbolt thing didn't go away.

The builder has now contacted me out of the blue to tell me that he had the thunderbolt feeling - without me having mentioned anything at all to him - and that he has been unable to stop thinking about me. He has said that he feels that this only happens once in a lifetime and had to say something, just in case. I have held back from telling him just how I feel, and have just said that I felt a 'connection', but that nothing can happen as I am a Mummy and can't disrupt DS's life. In truth, this guy has everything I have ever wanted in a partner and more and would be with him at the drop of a hat if I could.

I would never have an affair, so I am now considering separating from DH and having some time out before dating the builder to see if our instincts are correct. Am I mad???

Will I ruin my little one's life if his Mummy and Daddy split at this age? I feel so selfish even considering it.

Has anyone successfully split from their partner for another partner when their kids are so young?

So many questions. Thanks for reading, I will teach myself how to write short messages.

Oh goodness, I don't think it's unusual to occasionally feel a strong attraction to someone new, but for them to say the same, and to have the opportunity to act is something quite different.

I don't know how things are with your DH, he sounds like a good man so I guess you need to weigh up whether it's worth destroying your family life as you know it, for someone who you barely know, and who might turn out to be anything other than the person you want him to be.

I would be wary of a man who approached a married woman with a young child to be honest. How could you ever know he wouldn't feel a stronger thunderbolt with someone else in future, and go and act on that too..

Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, I can totally understand how intoxicating it must be, but I'd take lots of time to think it through before you do anything.

It might help to think about the fact that a 'thunderbolt' moment could happen anyway, regardless of whether you and your DH had a rushed marriage because you were pg. These kind of intoxicating, mind blowing feelings can happen if you've been with someone for 5, 10 or 20 years. Doesn't make it any easier, but just might put it into perspective. You need to make sure you don't go through your life with an underlying resentment because you felt you were rushed into marriage.

Whatever you do, think this through carefully. How would you feel if you left your DH and ended up having a passionate affair which then petered out after six months?

Ok, this might be harsh.

I don't think a genuinely good man would pursue a married woman with a child.

I think a not so good man may try it on with a woman who obviously has a crush on him. He may do this by telling her anything she wants to hear.

If you're not happy in your marriage, you need to address those issues first.

Thank you so much for your replies. I need stuff that I don't want to hear and harsh stuff - a good dose of reality to bring me back down to earth. I'm really impressed by what everyone has said.

So, I've got some thinking to do... and the starting place is my marriage. I guess I already felt things weren't right there, but didn't allow myself to think about it because we have DS.

So grateful to you all x

If the builder hadn't turned up in your life, would you be thinking of leaving your DH anyway?
Were you just biding time?

If the builder suddenly disappeared, would you settle back down again and be happy with your DH?

I am all for romantic love and unlike the other posters, I don't begrudge the builder making overtures- he probably expected to be told to push off.

Don't know if this isrelevant, but Keely Hawes left her DH of 2 months when she met Matthew McFadden and they are now wonderfully happy with 2 DCs- and she has DC from her former H when they met. So these things do happen and have good outcomes- for some involved.

How did you feel about dh before the builder turned up? Surely that's a valid question?

Because, if there is a problem in your relationship, if your feelings towards him are, actually, not that strong, it may be that, even subliminally, this is you telling yourself the relationship with your dh is perhaps not going to work in the long term. Perhaps you sort of "know" that but haven't been willing to face the possibility head on, what with having a child together.

If there are problems, even just the seemingly little one of not being that into dh, they will only get worse as time goes on, and leaving gets more difficult as children get older. Staying with someone who you are not that into, because it's the decent thing to do, is a road to misery.

It's only one possible interpretation, not necessarily the case with you, but I notice that no-one else has offered it, so I feel I should.

Oh - I clearly didn't read howtotellmum's post - which puts it all much better. Sorry httm.

howtotellmum, that's quite bizarre - someone told me I looked like Keely Hawes the other day and I had to look her up as I didn't know who she was - I didn't know that about her. I guess it must work out for some people. Thanks to you and Cherryblssoms for your thoughts - I am overwhelmed with the good sense I see before me.

DH and I are just 'team parents' - there is no romantic relationship there anymore as we are just focussed on DS when we're all at home together and the rest of the time I am working when he's at home and vice versa. It works really well in terms of DS's care and I guess none of us is unhappy, it's all about a well-oiled routine, child-friendly days out and visiting extended family. Once the little one doesn't need Mummy and Daddy so much anymore, I imagine we're not going to have a great deal to talk about.

Cherryblossoms, I think you may have hit the nail on the head really.

x

I would focus on the relationship you already have, if I were you, rather than on some builder with lose enough morals to proposition a married woman with a child. At the very least it is unprofessional, and I seriously doubt he considers you a life partner, more like a quick and willing shag. If you WERE to break up your family to date this builer, I bet he will run faster than you have ever seen a man run before!

Contrary to what you believe, you dont know this man, you know only what he has let you know while working at your house.

I hope he hasnt charged his rate by how long time the works have taken, as you might have to pay for his "chatter" if that is the case...

If you WERE to date him, you might feel uneasy about any jobs he takes on, in case he has a habit of doing this.

Have you actually spoken to your husband about the state of your marriage? Leaving the builder aside, does your H share your view of things?

I think you should sit down with him and discuss where you both are with this. If his feelings don't match yours then you could end up with an acrimonious split which would be damaging to DS.

If you both feel as you do, then maybe it would be better to split while DS is still very young - children adapt better the younger they are.