Is this mental abuse? I am confused, please help.

[FrancyMgo]

I am unsure of whether I am being paranoid and delusional as my life has dramatically changed in the last two years with the addition of two little ones. Briefly (as I have been told I waffle):
I am miles from my real home, I dont have many friends and I think my partner is controlling, he is a 'boss' but tends to have this attitude with me. We live, work and socialise together so there is little time for myself and obviously with a 1 and a 2 year old, things are strained but we argue a lot now. He has an aggressive temper and flares up very very easily. I am a fairly lighthearted person as I believe sometimes I deal with things better this way, but this just seems to aggravate him. I am always very busy with the kids, house, home and other accounts and affairs and try to keep the kids as quiet as poss as I worry he will flare up over screams and cries (he works from home).
Last week we had a horrid row in front of the kids (please understand I tried to avoid this) and I was called a lazy bitch and a dirty bitch (I left a nappy - wrapped up in a fragrant nappy bag on the kitchen floor to take outside).
Today we had a row over a very silly throw away comment I said and as he got angry again I started to cry - which I hate. He called me a f***g wimp and said we may as well split up. An hour or so ago, we started to talk again but I feel it will all just happen again soon. No matter what I do I cant win. I feel raw and confused, please can someone guide me or send a message of advic as I dont feel able to talk to anyone.

have you got any friends in rl that are unrelated to the relationship that you can talk through the issues - although online is great for anonymity sometimes it can also make it tough to really know what is going on in the house.. Has he always beenn like this - is his business in difficulties - are there a lot of pressures on him - not excusing his attitude but as the breadwinner at home who also owns a business run from the house sometimes I become nearly intolerable with stress and need to jsut go out to the gym or something for a few hours to let off steam - how often does he leave his desk?

Hello Francy

Have you had a look at this site ?

Certainly the way he speaks to you sounds most unpleasant.

Trying to keep small children quiet is very stressful, I know. It sounds as though you have your hands full.

DO you ever get any time to yourself?

It doesn't matter what you call his behaviour - you are very unhappy and frankly it sounds like he is too. Having 2lo under 3 is hugely stressful, and the added stress of him working from home must be unbearable for you both.

You are both miserable; he expresses his misery as frustration and anger, you express yours in attempts to bond and ameliorate. Your ability to converse as equals disappears. You end up a miserable doormat, he ends up a miserable tyrant.

Go to counselling, and go soon. Relate will happily see you alone - you can take the dcs if necessary.

He sounds like he treats you like utter shit. The rapid flaring up is v worrying.

He sounds exactly the same as a partner i had many years ago. EXACTLY !!! This man is angry, sad and has some real issues from his past that he needs to confront and deal with. The man i was with became aggressive and there was a lot of emotional abuse too . He made me feel wretched , useless, horrible and worthless. Dont let him walk all over you, stand up for yourself. Ignore him snide remarks and comments.
When you are feeling good he will do all he can to drag you down and get you to start feeling as shitty as he is. Get on as best you can with feeling good.
You cannot control or change someone elses behaviour you can only change your own. In other words dont be apologetic for the way he feels, tell him you are not his emotional punch bag and if he accuses you of causing him to feel a certain way then tell him that is up to him and walk away.
I am not asking you to wind him up cos i know this type of man and i dont want him to get aggressive with you .
You are doing NOTHING wrong. you sound like a really nice person and he is a SHIT !! You deserve far better and so do you kids. He is selfish and a bully. Your light heartedness he cannot bare cos he wishes he felt like that. This kind of relationship will do you no good, it will just drag ;you down , down, down. If he doesnt go to councelling then it may be that your days are numbered unless he makes big changes and is nicer to you and consequently nicer to his kids.
Wishing you all the best and lots of luck.
Stay strong
Hugs hugs xx

The unpredictable flaring up is abusive, so is the name calling. You say you seem to wind him up, no darling, he is making a choice to be nasty to you, because he can. He sounds like my P. Soon you'll be walking on egg shells, scared to say certain things. I'm really mouthy to my P though, he's made me very aggressive, but I'm scared in case the kids break or lose something. The day he couldn't find the TV remote was awful, it's worse when the kids hear it. If you're strong enough,leave x

Thankyou all for your messages and advice. I have read them all. Thankyou GettingAGrip for the website tip, I am going to check it out when I have some time alone so no, I very rarely get time to myself and even writing this has to be speedy whilst I am in another room! Prettyfly1 - he spends a fair bit of time away from his desk and doing other things as, Im sure you can appreciate, work is slow for everyone at the mo, also not helping the situation. All of my friends are connected in some way and the only one that isnt is the person whom intoduced us. She would be devastated to think it was all going wrong, ultimately though she would be the one person I could go to.

I would also advise looking at this list to see if you can tick more on one side or the other. There is usually a definite bias.

Thankyou mrspnut that is VERY useful, I am also going to keep a diary of flare ups and what was said etc to remind myself of comments and things that tend to get forgotten about but essentially wear me down over time. Then I can look back and review it with a clear head or show my friend cant I?

No time to give advice Francy but (((()))), very sad when you should be enjoying your LO's.

You sound a bit like me and you need to be free to be yourself.

Francy, I would recommend that your first port of call be your GP. Please go and discuss all this with them.