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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Im feeling so confused.

17 replies

spookycharlotte121 · 17/05/2009 12:24

Im all over the place in regards to the way I feel about exp. One moment I cant stand him and the next I miss him and want him back.
Last night he came over and we had a few drinks and watched a dvd. It was totally innocent, but as he had drunk so much he had to stay here as he couldnt drive home. We fell asleep in bed..... one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together.

This morning it was so nice sitting in the living room as a family. Ds was so happy. We all snuggled up under a duvet on the sofa and watched cartoons. It was a moment of bliss.

I really do miss him but I keep remembering how bad things were when we were together and keep thinking dont go there...... my head is telling me stay away, my heart is pushing me towards him.

I hate this feeling...... I just dont know what to do.

OP posts:

howtotellmum · 17/05/2009 12:30

How long have you been together and how long have you been separated?

What were the reasons you split up?

Itlookslike there is still a great attractionbetween you, but how does/did the day to day living work- or not?

Are you ready to give him another chance, or is it a case of you are lonely and last night was nice, but possibly a one-off?

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 17/05/2009 12:43

we were together about 2 1/2 years and have been seperated just over a year. We split up for quite a few reasons, he had a gamling promlem, had got quite nasty with me and i was generally miserable. We have both changed quite a lot since then but i dont really know if things would work out.

I am lonely but i do miss him too.

OP posts:

howtotellmum · 17/05/2009 12:50

Would you consider "dating" again- seeing each other but not living in the same house- and see how it goes?

No pressure- just see how you both feel?

Seems a shame to ditch it if it might work again. But a lot of talking is needed with each other over what you want, and how you can meet each other's needs.

BecauseImWorthIt · 17/05/2009 12:51

Have you been to Relate?

It could be that if you have both changed that you can find a way for you to be together again.

However, I would have to say that he has to sort out the gambling problem first.

CarGirl · 17/05/2009 13:05

Has he stopped gambling would be my first concern too?

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 17/05/2009 13:10

he hasnt done it for quite some time. I always wonder if part of it was my fault. It was my money he stole and gambled with and I wasnt really ever hard enough on him when it happens..... how ever since i split with him i have grown a pair and know how to stand up for myself. My family and friends would be so disapointed if we got back together...... but i do still love him and he is the father of my kids.
But maybe i just feel like this because Im lonely and just want to feel appreciated and cared about.

This is why im so confused.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 17/05/2009 13:13

My understanding is that gambling is like alcohol - once an addict always and addict just with it under control IYSWIM

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 17/05/2009 13:21

yeh thats what I think. His gf after me knew how to stand up for herself and didnt put up with it so it stopped.

I just feel that if we can be happy together then it would be so lovely for the kids. but then i think about all the down sides to it, he hates my family....I dont get along with his mum....although if we were to try again I would be willing to have a clean slate with his mum too...... i dunno.....

I want more children..... he doesnt.

we have very different morals.....

think i need to get my head sorted. Im supposed to be having counciling soon as I have PND (he doesnt know about that) and i think speaking to a councilor could shed some light on my feelings and if im ust acting like this because I dont want to be alone.

sorry if i sound pathetic. I just wish i had a crystal ball and could see into the future and if things could be ok between us.

OP posts:

littlelamb · 17/05/2009 14:58

Honestly? I think he has probably used you.
Generally, our exes are exes for a good reason. He hasn't helped you out with your dc, has been pretty unreliable and as soon as he's broken up with his gf has come and slept with you. Sorry to be so blunt, but he is after whatever he can get. I'd leave him well alone, and I really hope you used contraception

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 17/05/2009 15:51

yeh did use contraception. Am being well behaved in that area of life at the mo. have been chatting to a friend this morning and she said it would be abad idea and im kinda beginning to agree..... I guess he did use me, but i dont feel used.... I had a good time.

OP posts:

Supercherry · 17/05/2009 15:54

I get the strong impression from your post that deep down your instinct is telling you to stay away. Your instinct is probably right- he sounds like trouble.

Please remember that sex with an ex is usually fabulous but don't use this as an indicator that things could work again. It's so good because you know you shouldn't and you know each other well and you feel comfortable.

On the other hand if you want to give it another go then just think about what could happen if it doesn't work out again. Can you handle it?

Lulumama · 17/05/2009 15:54

read some of your old threads about the way he treated you and the children., his selfishness, putting his own needs and girlfriends first

you are worth more than this

you are a young woman, with a new career and bright future ahead of you

do you want to spend the next 60 years with this man?

can't beleive you are blaming yourslef for his gambling problem.. the fact you are doing that is concerning. he chose to do what he did. not your fault

i would have him in your life as the DCs fatehr, and nothing more

he will drag you down and you have come so far

what has he been doing for the last 2 years whislt you have been bringing up two children alone and doing your course and making a life for yourself?

Supercherry · 17/05/2009 15:55

Oh and if it was just a one night thing, don't think of it as being used, just put it down to experience. Nowt to worry about if it's just a one-off.

AnyFucker · 17/05/2009 19:10

spooky, you are blaming yourself for his gambling problems?

he did it, because you weren't strong enough to stop him?

come on love, read back what you have typed

although you obviously still have chemistry, I feel it would be a disaster for you to get back together

it is also confusing (and cruel?) for your kids to find him there in the morning, that is not fair unless you are 100% certain it will work out

he doesn't know you have PND? Will he give you any more support than he has in the past? I don't think so, if you haven't felt able to tell him about this

move on, girly

just put it down to a nice cosy shag and don't do it again, it fucks you up

how many others is he shagging at the moment?

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 17/05/2009 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

toomanystuffedbears · 18/05/2009 14:45

Here we are on Monday...
The answer is still NO.

A gambler that has already used you....why is he even under your roof?

For the sake of the dc? Is that a positive thing? No, it is not. There will never be stability with a gambling addict in your lives.

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 20/05/2009 00:49

well you were all right he is a cock.... i told him about my pnd and he brushed it off as nothing...... i have been feeling reaaly really low today and its all because of him.

i need to work my way away from him. like you all said he will only drag me down.... i just dont know how to at the momrnt.

OP posts:

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