What to do when an old friend starts to really REALLy hack you off?

[MrsMattie]

Apologies in advance for the length of this....

I've been very close friends with 'A' since we were 12 yrs old - so 20 yrs now. We went to school together, went through all of our teenage 'shit' together, got even closer (like sisters) in our 20s when we were socialising like crazy and climbing up the career ladder. In our late 20s our paths diverged a bit in terms of what we were up to. I got married and had babies, she travelled for a bit, then came back and now has a pretty busy, single-30-something life - good but demanding career, various ups and downs with men, lots of social stuff and holidays happening...etc.

Throughout most of our friendship, 'A' has been mostly really supportive of me, and I would hope she would say, vice versa. She is my oldest child's godmother, so she really is part of my family. She has been through some ups and downs - a bout of serious depression and the break up of a serious relationship - and I have made every effort to be there for her and make sure she knows I love her and care about her.

However, in the last year or so I have found her increasingly hard work. She has always been a very dominant character, very vocal with her opinions - many people find her overbearing. However, I am a strong character myself and have always appreciated and valued her fiery nature and been well able to handle her when she gets a bit too mouthy. But increasingly, I find her every bit as overbearing as she is painted by some others. She is just so challenging in her attitude. Everything is a debate. She loves playing 'devil's advocate', but actually, it just comes across as her being contrary and argumentative. I am finding it really wearing, to be honest, and have noticed myself avoiding her calls and making excuses about meeting up. Whenever we do meet up recently it always feels like we are on the edge of an argument - over what, I have no idea. She just seems to thrive on conflict.

The other day she called up wanting to see me. I was busy (had a job interview the next day and was trying to juggle preparation for that with childcare and trying to make time for DH, who had been away for a few days on business). She was really pissed off that I couldn't drop everything to 'enjoy the sunshine and see an old friend' and had a right go at me - launched into a full on character assassination, in fact. It really felt like the final straw, and although we 'made up', I came away from the conversation wondering why I am friends with her .

I don't know how to proceed, really. I don't know what I am asking for. It seems like a big ask - 'Please can you change your whole personality, for me, because I am finding it really fucking annoying at the moment. Thanks!'

What would you do?

Sometimes you outgrow people. It sounds as if you lives have taken very different paths. You need to recognise that you are no longer the same people who shared their teenage lives. Maybe she needs to move on and and find people whose lives corespond more to hers.

Take a break! People do grow out of friendships... And it sounds like you just need a break from her for a while. You don't have to say anything and just try to keep contact to a minimal... If she is as close a friend as you say she is, is there any way you can talk to her about the issues you have with her? You could start by saying things like 'I feel like I shouldn't be expected to drop everything for you...' as opposed to 'You are really starting to p* me off...'

It's very natural though. I was soooooo close to a girlfriend of mine since we met at university. We were practically sisters, she literally came to stay with me and we slept on the same double bed whenever she had dramas with her family. We went through everything together. We fell out about 10 years ago when I started gong out with my now DH'. She was angry about how much time DH and I were spending together and really attacked our relationship... I was so hurt by the things she said. We stopped talking for a while, even avoiding each other when there are mutual friends' do. Funnily enough, after two years of non-communication, we got back in touch again and are now really close friends again.

It does happen but don't give up on the friendship altogether. It does sound like you did mean a lot to each other at one point of time and that closeness might come by again... In the meantime, have a break!

Thanks both.

It's really hard to take a break from her because we have another some good friends in common. I'm actually supposed to be sharing a hotel room with friend 'A' next week as we are both attending a mutual friend's wedding, and I am slightly dreading it, actually...

I guess I am just finding it hard to accept that we are no longer so close after years of being like sisters.

It's a tough one.

I have an old friend (over twenty years) who moved to London after university and for many years she really changed. I don't think she ever really understood or saw how much she had changed but I started to feel increasingly irritated by her - constantly talking about the square footage of people's property, using loads of buzz words, bigging up her career and her job all the time.

The crunch really came when I went down to London to see her with a mutual friend (who's very naive) and she spent the whole weekend trying (and succeeding) to impress this mutual friend with things about her lifestyle/job. The mutual friend was literally hanging on her every word and saying "wow" and I just knew it was all inflated bollocks.

She had children before I did and for a while we grew apart. She didn't seem to cope well with the transition to being a parent but kept telling me everythign was wonderful, which sort of hurt because I realised she waas no longer honest with me.

Eventually, she changed. Her home circumstances changed, their finances changed (for the worse, unfortunately) and probably because of this she became a much nicer person to know. Eventually they moved away from London and these days I honestly feel like I've got her back as a friend.

This all happened over a period of six years.

Don't give up on her, just maintain a distance and hope it works out. I'm so glad to have my dear friend back like she was and glad I never gave up hoping.

Well I'm afraid to say that she sounds like a fairly selfish person. If you are going out together and it will be just you and your other friends who are all adults i.e no children then you can afford to indulge in a bit of selfish singledom and enjoy yourself. Don't dread it, embrace it, you have to opportunity to really enjoy yourself. After that you will be a person with dcs and somebody who doesn't have the indulgence of being able to be selfish. It will all be fine.