i feel like such a horrible evil jealous person.

[feelreallybad]

it is actually taking a lot for me to post this so please dont flame me to much.

i could write my op for the next hour but will try and keep it brief with most of the valid points in.

i was friendly with a girl (pretty close) just after i got married, we live in a estate to do with our dh's work so all the wives are kind of together. we drifted apart naturally and since them i have found out loads that i dont like about her. we would still say hello in the passing though.

the problem is i seem to have a major problem with her that is driving me insane, i get so jealous when i see her with new people or even talking to someone at school etc.

i even check her facebook a lot to see what she is up to etc. i hate knowing that she has new friends and feel a sense of relief if i see her walking home on her own or if i find out one of her friends has moved away.

i actually feel like this is driving me insane and i hate myself for doing it. i know from experience that she can be a nasty peice of work and i do feel i am better of without her in my life but i do seem to have this obsession with knowing what she is up to.

i have my own close friends so its not that i am just lonely but i really do live in fear that she will become better friends with them than i am and i will be left out.

i dont have feelings like this about anyone else and really cant understand why i feel like this about this one person, i cant even tell you when all this started.

i would really appreciate it if someone would help me with this, even if its just to tell me how terrible it is.

i feel totally unhinged by it.

Did she hurt you or someone you care about? That can quite often trigger a kind of obsession until you feel vindicated/avenged or just enough time goes by.

My dh can be like this; the solution for him seems to be to plot ever more ridiculous means of revenge but not to act on any of them.

Hmmm. Acknowledging it as a problem is good. Some people feel this way and rationalise it ("She did this ... She's a bad person because ... she deserves x, y, z ...") and ... it can get quite horrible.

Your post doesn't have quite enough info. but reading it; you seem to be reacting to her as though she has a secret (you want to find out more about her); but also you "know" her in a way that others might not, you "get" her in a way that others might not, you "see the (bad) truth about her in a way that others are hoodwinked into not seeing.

You also seem to fear that she has some kind of charisma, and a charisma that might damage you/your life/your space in some way (that she will "steal" your friends).

I think the first thing I would say is that it is odd that you feel she challenges your space in some way, simply by existing. We all share space, your other friends are undoubtedly friends with each other and negotiate that alongside friendship with you. So, the first thing I think (if I were you) I would think about, is why you feel she challenges you so much just b existing?

Are you upset that she "resisted" overtures of affection/friendship on your part? That she has judged you?

Do you feel the need for people you become friendly towards to become close friends?

You seem to have given her a lot of power - but it really is almost certainly illusory power.

Sorry you are feeling like this. It is terrible when you become obsessed with someone/something.

You have described the irrationality of it all so well. You know it does you no good to feel this way and yet you can't seem to help it.

Its very hard to advise you, tbh. If you know some things about her that you don't like very much, can you try and remember that every time you worry about her being more popular than you (cos I think thats what is at the root of your obsession? is that fair??). You could broadcast your opinions to all and sundry, or you could choose to retain your dignity and keep quiet about it. And trust that one day the bad things you know about her (if they are true) will come back and bite her on the bum.

Oh, and a practical, concrete, easy peasy, wholly positive and pro-active thing you can do is get yourself off her Facebook. Make it impossible for you to go and check up on her. Is it possible to do that? I don't facebook myself because I know so many people who are damaged by it. Honestly.

thank you so much for these first few posts, they really do mean a lot to me.

i have read them all over a few times and have lots to say on them but i really have to get of comp just now.

will be back as soon as i can!

everyone is a teensy bit to a degree, its natural.
and a bit [nosey emoticon] as well, look at how many folks read the tabloids.
lots of people also go over and over gory stuff.
watch carcrash tv.
i think there is elements of this here.
nothing more to add really, only that its making you feel bad, draw a line under it, and start to feel better.

Is it possible that she has triggered a memory of a childhood experience? Did you have a problem with a similar relationship, perhaps with a similar type of girl from your past? It's a long shot, but sometimes people/places/smells etc; can bring up old feelings and memories which are from long ago.

Just a thought