Don't know if my marriage has a future.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Feel very this evening.
Background - met DH on holiday a long time ago. He is from a country that you need a visa for to visit england or live here. After a long time and lots of work and money, we got married and he moved here. Things were hard for him, and although I believe there were lots of things he enjoyed about england, he missed his home. Financially we have struggled, he works very hard and yet we are always skint, plus we borrowed money to set up a business (terrible timing) that we haven't seen clear to paying off yet.
We have a good plan for the summer to make money which should have kicked off in April but weather happened then we got ripped off when a festival was cancelled and lost money, plus almost a whole week's work for DH. His motivation is low.
We spent Jan - April in his country as I am on maternity leave. I always knew he would need to spend time there and thought 3 months would be ok, but I have a (now) 8 month old, and we spent every penny on the trip (drove there) and bringing things back to sell so no money for any time off, or internet in the flat, or anything that would have made it easier for me. I felt very limited and frustrated and didn't love it. It has reinforced that I could never live there - I wouldn't make the sacrifice for him as we would split up due to my general misery, I know it. I also got flu right at the end and so made no secret of the fact that I was desperate to come home (think living in a 2 bed flat with 8 people and two babies, with no hot water) which majorly hurt his feelings.

Since we have been back he has been intermittently vile to me. My bf and my mum both noticed - being rude, snippy, sometimes disrespectful in what he says. It has been very hard for me and I have felt miserable with it. I can see he has been miserable too. He is not very good at examining his feelings and while I was sure that he 1- resented me for not loving his country and 2- didn't want to be here he denied it. I knew he was angry with me constantly but when a person won't admit it what can you do? We have also found out that the visa renewal (to make it permanent) which is due in july will cost upwards of £800 and it's all so much for him. He's stressed and worried about money and comparing our life here (which is not that bad, I'm on mat leave but things will get easier once I go back to work) with what he had before - own shop, little financial pressure, king of the castle and finding it lacking. we could never have that life together and he knows that.

Last night we actually talked. I said that if he was still miserable at the end of the summer he can leave with the van and any stock we have left, I will take out a loan to repay the debt and we will separate. I was so scared to say it out loud becaus I knew he would agree - and he did He admitted he woud leave me and his son if things didn't improve. He says he loves me so much (and he does) but we agree that's not enough.
We are a very bickery couple but since we got up we have been much nicer to each other. It's like a boil has been lanced and the poison is out in the open as it were. Things have been said that seem to have helped his attitude but I feel desperately sad. Part of me feels that he wouldn't really leave - he does love his family and there are lots of great things that he loves about living here but then - he has tried, 2 years, and if it's not working it's not working, He sacrificed a lot to come here for me and I must accept it if he can't hack it. I couldn't hack 3 months in his country after all
I also think that if business picks up he will be energised and feel more positive but I can't rely on that.
Oh I don't even know what I'm asking for. I'm sure I've misrepresented things here but what do people think? What can I do?

can you say briefly what the main issue is- is it that you don't get on, or that he doesn't want to live in the UK, or that he is stressed about the business and taking it out on you?

It's a shame, but it really sounds like it won't ever work..... Too many differences. Sorry.

The main issue is that he is finding it hard here at the moment - it's hard to make money, and he feels a lot of pressure. The not getting on is new, only since we got back a month ago. It's down to his feelings of not being happy here at the moment and feeling homesick. I don't know if that will fade if things get better here financially, I think it will but he had a knock with this festival as we should have brought in £1000+ but lost over £200 instead. The stress about the business is linked to feeling it would be 'better' or easier in his country - but I don't think he's being realistic about that - the recession hits holidaymakers as much as here and his hometown depends on tourists. He would be lonely and sad there without us and he admitted that.

Tiffany - really?

Are you both living in the real world? don't mean that to sound unkind, but lots of people want to have a little business etc etc- but the reality of making it work and supporting a family on it is often very different.

Is he prepared to do other work, or even retrain?

Could he get over his feelings of being homesick by visiting regularly?

IMO if someone marries, they should put their wife and DCs first and live where they can support them best. It sounds as if he is a bit immature wanting to run back "home".

He does do other work - whenever he's not doing the business work he's labouring on building sites to bring in a bit to help with bills etc. He can't really get better paid work here due to his lack of work experience (in this country) believe me, he tried.
He does plan to visit regularly, and I hope that will sort out the homesickness. He has given it a good go, after 2 years this is the first time we have spoken about him going home. But I can't force him to stay.
I agree though, he came here, married me and had a child, what the fuck else is he going to do? we are where his home is. [had several glasses of wine and getting angry emoticon]

In the matter of supporting us though - I could support DS easily when I go back to work. We won't be destitute. And we started the business as it seemed the only prospect for him that was likely to make more than a couple of days work at minimum wage per week. It does make money, mainly due to his hard work, but not as fast as we need

If, in the whole relationship, there has only been one month of you not getting on then I think there could be a good chance of you making things work. You need to both want to though. The thought looming over you both that it could be over by the end of the summer can't be good for either of you. I think you need to either make a pact to make the marriage work or knock it on the head. What do you really want?

If you both want it to work, then get yourselves to relate and see if talking about things more will help. If he really loves you and loves his child he wont leave.

I think money worries are one of the biggest strains a relationship can take personally.

I want it to work without a doubt. So does he I think, You are right, we need to be wholehearted about trying. Thing is, I don't think there are any real problems between us, we have niggles but as I say, apart from the last month, we get on very well and genuinely love each other. He never entered this marriage expecting it to end, and he doesn't take marriage lightly (his culture is not very used to divorce and it has quite a stigma) so it's not about problems between us, but circumstances could screw it up if we let them. He knows how I feel and I hate to say it - but it's down to him really

Remind him of the marriage vows, for better for worse, it's just a rough patch, you need to pull together. It really sounds like a relationship worth fighting for.

Is he a good father?

I don't understand the advice being given on this thread to give up on your marriage. You have had one rough month out of two years. He's not cheated, lied, been abusive. He sounds like a hard working family man to me who is struggling to cope with the stress of money worries, you love each other. Give him a chance, please!

angel - I have considered that. Let him taste life there and see how shit it is, but that would just leave me hoping and waiting for him to come back

Supercherry - he's a brilliant father. He's a bit lazy on his days off and is pretty crap at getting up in the mornings with him but he loves him, is so into his son and loving and nurturing of him. He spends time with him when he can and just loves him. He would be devastated to live without him, he finds it hard when he has to go away for 3 days to work.

It's hard times for everyone- but you've got each other and it sounds like you love each other very much. Can you grit your teeth and remember the "For better for worse" stuff and see this as something you can cone out the other side of?

In a way you have done a good thing saying what you did because it has taken some pressure off and made staying together a choice rather than a duty...which is going to make it easier to make the decision to give it a go with a happy heart IYSWIM. Plus, he knows that you love each other too much to see the other miserable. That alone might help, you know. Don't give up!

Thanks supercherry I appreciate that. I will never give up on our marriage, we love each other, he's an amazing man and great father. I just hope he won't give up.

I missed your post, supercherry- I agree with you!

Thanks BoF
Like I say, I will never give up on my marriage. I am relieved it was said although it has made me very because living in denial helps nobody.
We also know that we have a plan in case it doesn't work so he doesn't have to have that hanging over his head too, IYSWIM, if he eventually wants to leave but doesn't feel he can because of money it's just going to make him resentful. At least he can think 'I'll try my best until october and if we have to call it a day we can', not 'I'm trapped forever, forever, forever'!

Awww, Kat, that's just made me go a bit mushy. I'm very glad to hear it.

BitofFun, really glad you agree, I know we like to say 'Get rid of him'(polite version) alot here in Relationships but usually there is a damn good reason, I just couldn't see one here.

There really isn't any reason to 'get rid'! If being shitty to your spouse for a few weeks because of an underlying unhappiness was a divorcable offense then nobody would be married

kat2907 - You are in such a difficult position... Maybe it's wrong for me to advise you to let him go but my experience was that I was really unhappy the first few months after having DS. I don't think I fully realised what it meant NOT to have my family near me to share my experience with me and to help me. I cried so much and was so unhappy and in those days, I did actually think about leaving DH to go back to my home country with DS (never seriously I have to add!).

In the end, my DH actually bought us an airticket to go back to my home country when DS was 4 months old. Mind you, he never doubted that we will come back but he saw how unhappy I was and just wanted me to have a break. You know what? I took DS, I went and we both missed my DH like crazy and I knew that things will never be the same if DH is NOT there to share it with me. It didn't matter where I live or what I do, I wanted my DH to be there to share our lives together... In fact, I looked forward to coming back to the UK desperately though we were only away for 3 weeks.

I guess I am trying to say that having been through homesickness etc especially when things are bad, it can be really heart-wrenching to the person going through it and it really consumes you. The weird thing was I didn't even like my home country before! For me, I think it was the familiarity and the home comforts that appealed when things are bad. But I know now that my DH is everything to us and that's partly thanks to him also putting us first and letting us go when I needed it. I know your issues with your DH is more serious than that but the fundamental issues are similar I think...

No angel I understand and appreciate what you are saying. He's going back in spetember/october for two months without me (always planned) and I was going to go for a week in the middle. I guess if we are at that point he can just go with no return date and see how it goes. I am fairly sure he will be unhappy there without us (poor man, will he be happy anywhere now?) and the more I think about it, the less I can actually see him going through with it to be honest (leaving us I mean) but if he feels he has to, I won't stop him. I just hope he will feel as you did, if it comes to that.

kat2907 - You sound absolutely lovely and your DH does sound like a decent man and loves you both very much. It does sound like circumstances etc have really conspired against your family. I do feel so sad for you as you must feel so helpless and hurt by all that is happening. At the same time, you sound like you are really doing what you can to support him. Sounds like the two months without you both in his home country will clarify some stuff in his mind (hopefully!) and I hope with all my heart that he will realise what I realised, which was that being with my DH and DS wherever we are was what really mattered.

Thanks angel that's very sweet
I'm feeling much more cheerful now. It helps to talk things over and I only have one friend I'd go into this much detail with in RL - and she's busy
Thank you everyone you have really helped xxxxxxxxx

kat2907 - Just wanted to wish you all the best! Glad you are feeling much better. It's really difficult when a baby comes into both your lives as well. Don't underestimate the impact of that on both your lives.

DH and I get on brilliantly and have been married 5 years (known each other 7 years) before we had DS but our marriage still came under so much strain when DS is little. Though things started getting better when DS got to 7/8 months, I can honestly say we couldn't even think of having another child or really enjoying our lives till DS turned 1. He is now 14.5 months old and we are starting to do a lot more stuff that we used to do before he came along.

I also don't think DH really bonded with DS till he really started to get a little cheeky personality. Now DH is always saying how wonderful and cute DS is and he is so disappointed if he doesn't make it home before his bedtime. In the early days, DH would get stressed to come home to a screaming baby and a stressed out wife. So I think it's early days for you both yet. I really hope your DH wtill stick it out for both of you and things will get better. :D