Lonely, hurting and drinking - enough excuse to leave?

[barrelrider]

I need somw advice on this. I have been with my husband for 9 years, married 5. The first few years were fun, but as the infatuation wore off he began to display other sides to his character. At first it was just anxiety, unwillingness to take any risks, relax or basically have any fun. I saw myself as the lively, spontaneous one in the relationship, and him as my 'rock'. He started to get a bit possessive and controlling, but nothing too bad. From the beginning there was no sexual chemistry so sex weas a bit of a chore but I don't remember it being a big issue. We got on really well as friends, and had lots of laughs and jokes so it felt OK.
Anyway, after our son was born it all went nuts. I experienced post-puerperal psychosis (hallucinations, panic attacks, huge paranoia, hearing voices etc). He was a complete and utter shit when that was going on. Don't get me wrong, he was great with the baby, looking after him and making sure he was fed and dry. But I was lying in the back room going out of my head, and he called me 'self=indulgent' and told me I should just live with it, get on with it as the baby came first. On a couple of evenings he went to the pub to 'wet the baby's head', leaving me so tired one night that I literally had to crawl across the room to pick up the baby when he cried. It was like he hated and resented me, and I was expecting support and empathy.
So I got over all that but the aftermath never really left the relationship. I started drinking heavily, and that's continued for 3.5 years until at last I am seeking proper help for that. But he witholds cuddles and affection and the only sex we have is me giving him a BJ every so often to appease the guilt I feel. And he has to beg and guilt me into doing that. I have never really fancied him but after the baby was born that side of things got worse and worse. Our friendship seemed to cool completely, and a lot of resentment and anger has crept in. He is constantly telling me I'm a bad mother, I have never adjusted to it and I'm irresponsible and lazy. (Other people tell me I'm a great mum!) He seems to have become obsessed with housework and is always saying I don't do enough. He used to cook for us every night but stopped after the baby was born. It's as though I'm being punished by him withdrawing emotional intimacy, cuddles (I am very cuddly) and only doing 'chores' for himself.
I just feel so lonely and empty. We went to relate for 9 months last year but it didn't really solve anything. He still says that I was selfish when our son was born and he would do the same again. I still feel totally unsupported. He puts other people above me the whole time - his mum, his brothers, estate agents, anyone really. I am usually the last person he considers.
So the question is, do I leave him or stay for my son? He is a terrific Dad but a terrible husband. Any help appreciated.xx

Hi, just wanted to reply to your post.

I am sure others will be along soon who have more personal experience, but for now I wanted to say 2 things :

Please read your post again as if I had written it and you were reading it. What would you think then?

Second, I would strongly question whether someone who is behaving, and talking to you as your husband does, is really a good father ?

Third, if you feel lonely and empty (and that's truly understandable given what you have said in your OP), your son will be able to pick up on that, too.

All the Best. You have been through a horrible time. Oh and well done in seeking help for the alcohol problem.

x

Dear Barrelrider

I am sorry to hear you are having such a hard time of it.

I am also in no way disputing anything you say.

However, can I ask how long it is since you stopped drinking?

It is my own experience that it is a bad idea to make big changes in life in early sobriety unless they are urgent (risk of physical danger etc.)

Not only might the situation change as the fog clears, but your perception of it might change too. Also, if you are still vulnerable, the panic change could induce might undo all your good work vis a vis the drink.

I'm not telling you what you should or shouldn't do but would counsel against being hasty.

Of course, if you ARE in physical danger, or if you're sober and in proper, assisted recovery long enough (say, 12 months) to start seeing things clearly again, then you can cheerfully disregard all I say.

I hope whatever you do works out well for you.

S

Hello, thank you for your replies. I just reread my origninal post and I make him sound worse than he is. He is a funny, articulate, gentle man but it's the other issues that I mentioned that are the problem.

Re the drinking: I am still doing it. I am waiting for a psychiatric referral for detox, which should come through any day now. I made the decision last weekend that the relationship isn't working and I need to get out, and since then my urges to drink have reduced massively! And in between moments/hours of misery and pain, there have been moments of pure elation. So doesn't that say this is the right thing to do, at least for me? (It was in one of my moments of despair that I posted originally. I am worried that it's the wrong thing to do, not for me but for my boy I guess).

I have suffered from clinical depression from an early age and my relationship history is very unhappy. So I suppose I'm also worried that I'm swopping the misery of an unhappy marriage for the misery of loneliness, at the expense of my child.

At the end of the day, doesn't lack of physical attraction on one side always spell doom?

As long as you are sure that it really is lack of physical attraction and not just a reduced libido as the result of the drinking and depression. Both of these can also explain mood swings ("in between moments/hours of misery and pain, there have been moments of pure elation").

Again, I am not saying you should not leave but I am saying that, unless you or your son are in immediate danger, or unless at the very least you have a compelling better offer elsewhere, you should perhaps avoid being hasty on this one. Even if it's just for selfish reasons, perhaps you should consider whether you want to be alone - and with a child to look after - while going through detox?

I can guarantee you that things will look different when you are out the other side of this. You might not change your mind - indeed, they might be different in that you are even more certain - but my advice would be to wait and see before making any big and dramatic moves.

Thanks for your advice miflaw. The only thing I would say is that the lack of physical attraction is definitely to do with just him, and nothing to do with drinking/depression. It's always been fine before I met him and I'm usually depressed! Plus I had a massive attraction towards someone else last year (while drinking the same as now).
Also the mood swings- agree that it could be to do with drinking/depression but I've not felt elation for the past few years, not once, and I've felt it several times this week.
However you're right, I do need to sort the drinking out before I do something drastic. What I really want is to co-parent, and maybe cohabit, for a while and see how that goes. But the problem with that is it relies on hime being amenable to that, and I don't think he will be. If we split up he will want me out of the house, I'm sure.

One of the most generally useful things I've learnt from my time being sober is that if you don't know something, ask - don't try to guess!

Your man may not agree to this - but equally, he may. If he doesn't, you're no worse off than you imagine you are, so this is a no-lose gamble. Try to pluck up the courage to ask him about it, without getting angry or issuing ultimatums.

Good luck!