Please talk some sense into me

[twistedtempted]

Have namechanged for obvious reasons.

Am married with young dcs. Have hit a bit of a rock bottom lately in terms of how hard I'm finding being a parent. I have a supportive, loving dh but...

There is this guy from my past (I'm talking teens), who I bascially feel I never 'got over'. He was my best friend's bf and I was madly in love with him. After they split we did fool around a bit but nothing ever came of it. We socialised in the same group and he was more of a friend than anytyhing else.

The thing is, my heart still skips a beat when I think of him, and I have recurring dreams that we are together etc. I have never felt like this about anyone else since.

Anyway...we have been in touch via f/book [evil website]! He is an eternal bachelor with no commitments etc.

He has made it clear he would be up for some 'fun' shall we say. I know he isn't a patch on my dh who loves me and is my family but I feel all churned up over this. I'm not stupid and understand what I've got and would never want to lose that.

I feel in a vulnerable place in terms of my own identity right now, and he represents heart stopping excitement etc

I feel sick and disgusted with myself for even thinking these things , but he is my achillles heel...

You know what - I know what I must do but am pathetically drawn back towards him.

Please don't flame me, I know I am acting like a silly little girl.

Do you really really think this is all you are worth? A shag with a commitment-phobe who didn't want you years ago and who just sees you as an easy lay and another notch on his bedpost?

No no no no.

Imagine if you did meet up with him. He'd be all sweetness and light and charming and funny and sexy. Then he'd get you into bed and that would be it as far as he was concerned. Game over. Marriage over. Your self respect would be even lower and you would have betrayed your husband and your family for a quick shag with some pathetic loser who can't even keep a girlfriend.

Having "gone there" several months ago (and still ongoing)i can understand what the OP is experiencing right now. If i didn't have this man in my life albeit in very small but intoxicating doses it would be dismal indeed. I agree with all the good advice given above, wish i had discovered this forum months ago then maybe wouldn't be so embroiled now [blush}

Was/is it worth it Phy?

SOme people think that just one shag with an old never-quite-was flame will 'get it out of your system'. Unfortunately this isn;t true, because people who think about old never-quite-was flames are people who invest far too much mental energy in sex: they can't leave it at just one shag. SO you end up with a ludicrous mess and unhappiness on all sides. The pragmatic types who stay single and are quit open about the fact that they want sex, not commitment, are actally better people than the romantic twerps who are forever stuffing one relationship to puruse the next 'soulmate'.

I think so, yes for me but i would certainly not advocate it and i am not proud of myself either

"Feel like 'Is this it now, is this the level of excitement in my life till the day I die?'"

Yep, that is familiar. It hits you when you pass 40 too. But infidelity is not the way to go. It will make your life worse and not cure the itch. Find something else. Fantasise if you like. But don't ditch something good for something temporary unless you are sure that is what you really want.

There is a current thread about "fuck buddies". Perhaps you should read some of that?

Mr. Don Juan is having a power play at your expense, another notch on the bed post. Your feeling low now won't compare to how low you will go if you give in to him. I agree with others that say he is sniffing around because you are not available. I hope you know what "lip service" is-he'll say anything he thinks you want to hear just to get in your pants.

Yes, girls can be silly, our hearts can be silly. But don't be stupid. You say you are not stupid. Are you trying to convince us, or yourself? Because there is stupid written all over this, any way you look at it.

The brain must prevail here-it is what makes us civilized and provide civilized homes for our families and our dear children-the next generation of civilization. You are married and have children-you do have a higher responsibility than those who don't.

I hope you don't feel flamed by my post, I tried to be tactful.

"I feel in a vulnerable place in terms of my own identity right now"

What do you think you could do to feel stronger in this area?

This is a pretty common problem and it's not insignificant. It's basically the root of all midlife crises.

This is your problem. This man is offering an easy way of escaping actually dealing with the (not inconsiderable) task of renewing your sense of self as an adult, a parent, a person with responsibilities, and a person who is probably around halfway through their life

Going back to a time when your possibilities were endless and your responsibilities negligible has obvious appeal given how you are feeling, but in fact you need to move forward in a constructive way.

What are you good at? What do you enjoy? What excites you? What do you take pride in?

Somewhere in the answers to those questions you might find a the beginning of a way to start feeling less vulnerable.

Basically, you have probably bought into the bullshit that the most important thing in a woman's life is The Relationship/The SOulmate, when it's atually pretty unimportant. There are plenty of attracitve, available and perfectly nice people to have relationships with: by the sound of it you've got one.
Relationships do not fix you or make your life better. Men are only human beings, just like you, with problems of their own. What you need is an intersest/hobby/passion that#s for something other than a person.
So shagging this man will not make things better and is unlikely to be anything like as good as you would anticipate. Getting a new lease of life from something else would do you wonders.

You're right. I have told him 'no'. So glad you lot are here to talk to.

You have done the right thing.

Now have a nice dinner with your DH and then a new dessert for afters....

Thank God for that twistedtempted

I am late to this thread but wanted to say DON'T DO IT!

I understand the impulse to do something to make yourself feel better, to change, but this is not the way.

But I don't need to now.

Good Luck x