Partner is giving me no space, I feel trapped and smothered

[IHearMyName]

When I moved in with my partner my biggest worry was that I wouldn't have much 'space'. I like my own company and hated the thought of someone being with me 24/7.

He assured me that he understood and came up with all these plans of how he would give me my own space, including taking the kids out once a week to give me the house to myself etc.

So I moved in. At first he did make a point of getting out of my way now and again but it didn't last long.

He never leaves me alone. If I say I'm popping into town he says he will come with me. If I say I want to go on my own, he will make up some excuse of why he needs to go to town.

I told him I sometimes go to my mums once a week, I looked forward to this as a welcome break but he insists on coming with me now. Last night I said "I've decided that next weekend I will take the kids to see my mum" he said "yes, That's fine, I could do with a day out" I said "no, I'm going on my own with the kids" so he went in a mood and said I couldn't use the car as he needed it that weekend etc.

He insists on driving me to the gym, I used to get a lift off a friend.

To top it all off he's started working nights. I'm positive he's done this so that he's here with me all during the day and so that I'm trapped at home on a night with the kids.

I feel like I'm going mad, like I've been kidknapped.

Do you get the feeling that he's suspicious of you? Like he wants to be sure he knows what you're doing all the time?

Argh this would drive me up the wall. Surely you can say 'No thanks' to his offers of lifts or accompanying you to the shops etc?

He sounds pretty insecure!

You need to have it out with him and no pussyfooting around it!

Reinforce that you NEED your own space and that he needs to let you go out yourself, take the kids out etc.

Ask him why he feels the need to be with you ALL the time.

If he deny's that he's doing this, just explain what it feels like to you and that he needs to make more of an effort to give you space.

Does he not have some friends or anything else going on in his life that he likes to do other than work?

Ihearmyname,

These people promise much and can be very plausible but their true nature soon emerges if they are controlling.

Do you know his relationship history?. My guess is he behaved exactly the same with all of his previous partners.

He also seems very controlling and all his actions would indicate he is trying to control you. He is making a cage for you and he is trying to isolate you from your family and friends (another big red flag). Controlling behaviours like this often escalate as well which is very bad news for you.

You need to consider this relationship and decide whether there is any future with this man. These people as well rarely if ever change and you certainly cannot change their behaviour. BTW it will do the children no favours at all to see all this either.

You should also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Its all about controlling behaviours.

Is he controlling in any other aspects?

Ah x-post - Atilla and I have same suspicion...

"Reinforce that you NEED your own space and that he needs to let you go out yourself, take the kids out etc.

Ask him why he feels the need to be with you ALL the time.

If he deny's that he's doing this, just explain what it feels like to you and that he needs to make more of an effort to give you space".

I would agree with all this BUT he won't listen to any of it; not if he is controlling. All of the last paragraph will not wash with controllers. They don't think they're doing anything wrong by trying to control the person being controlled.

I'm not sure really. I try and think of how he's behaved since we got together.

The first thing I can remember is that he insisted my friend (male) no longer take me to the gym. I could kind of understand that though as the friend had shown an interest in me before.

He then said I should cut the gym down from 3 times a week to twice to save money. We were a little short on money at the time so I could understand that one too.

He then really pushed for my youngest son to change primary school. He gave lots of valid reasons ... but I remember one of them being that he didn't like the parents at his current school and he knew I didn't like mixing with them. But I did have some friends there and I now wonder if it was that he didn't like me having friends there. When I refused to move his school, he began picking DS up for me, I believed he was doing me a favour.

Well I hear warning bells personally...

Rings alarm bells with me too. I have a friend in a controlling relationship too and he has knocked down her self confidence so much, it's sad to see It got to the stage where I invited her round for coffee to have a chat about it and so she could get away for a bit and he showed up too
The very fact that you feel 'kidnapped' should be enough to end it imo.

I don't know what to advise to help you with this, but I do want to say that his behaviour is not acceptable at all and I really hope that you will find a way to put a stop to it.

The trouble is, I suppose, that the more he behaves like this, the more alientated you feel from him. He perceives your dislike of the behaviour, which makes him feel more insecure about you and therefore more controlling. He will see his insecurity as stemming from your behaviour, whereas in fact it is ENTIRELY his responsibility.

If you really love him despite his behaviour you might be able to find ways of reassuring him enough for him to back off. But it shouldn't really be your responsibility to soothe HIS hang-ups.

Would he consider counselling? If he is not prepared to see it as his problem, it is a real difficulty for the relationship and a huge and unfair burden for you.

Me too! So he is basically stopping you go out by yourself and accompanies each and every time you do insist on leaving the house he manipulates it so that he comes with you!

I would find this a bit scary myself but it sounds like he going about this slowly and cleverly so his motivations sound rational and helpful.

It COULD be that he is just a bit insecure. I would be putting my foot down big time initially to see what his reaction is. If he is truly controlling I would me making plans to leave before it got worse.

Google "signs of controlling behaviour" - helluva lot comes up and what you describe are typical symptoms of the early stages.
Great that you have realised it early on.

He is very insecure and seems to think every man who looks in my direction wants to sleep with me.

He is very hostile to me my ex and won't even be in the same room as him when he comes around to see the kids. He slags off his ex wife constantly and says she was shagging someone behind his back so perhaps this is why he is so insecure?

He was very eager to get me moved in to here and now I feel like I'm trapped. Sometimes I feel like just getting up and saying "I'm going out" and refuse to tell him where but I don't know how he'd react.

So you are already basically scared of his reaction of you stand up to him?

Can you move back out? Where were you living before?

I have heard it said that the more you give in to the behaviour, the stronger his tendency will be. (And this is true in my experience of a much less severe but also slightly controlling and very insecure partner).

So if you are looking at strategies of coping with him , perhaps you ought to find lots of small ways of being out without him -- to normalise your separateness.

If he can't handle that ... well I hate saying consider leaving him, because I know how hard it is to even begin to think in those terms. But his behaviour sounds alarming and horrible.

Did you post about this man before you moved in with him?

THis sounds very much like a previous thread, and the poster mentioned the lift to the gym etc.

If it is you, I recall you were told that this man was a potential controller previously.

If not, sorry, ...but run like the wind now.

He is trying to isolate you. Very bad news.

Ihearmyname,

Re your comments:-
"I'm not sure really. I try and think of how he's behaved since we got together.
The first thing I can remember is that he insisted my friend (male) no longer take me to the gym. I could kind of understand that though as the friend had shown an interest in me before".

First red flag.

"He then said I should cut the gym down from 3 times a week to twice to save money. We were a little short on money at the time so I could understand that one too".

Plausible but in light of the above, again controlling.

"He then really pushed for my youngest son to change primary school. He gave lots of valid reasons ... but I remember one of them being that he didn't like the parents at his current school and he knew I didn't like mixing with them. But I did have some friends there and I now wonder if it was that he didn't like me having friends there. When I refused to move his school, he began picking DS up for me, I believed he was doing me a favour".

No, no and thrice no again.

They're all disturbing and reek of controlling behaviours, particularly the last one as this involved your son. He didn't like the parents at your son's current school?!. That alone is not a reason for him to be moved. DAH - HE DID NOT LIKE YOU HAVING FRIENDS THERE!!!. That is the real reason why your son was moved. I won't even go into your son having to start in a new school, working with new teachers and having to make new friends again. This man is trying to isolate you from your family and friends. He's managed to stop your male friend taking you to the gym, he wants to accompany you to your Mum's, he wants to be everywhere you go!!!.

He is controlling and as such his behaviour towards you is abusive. This is all about power and control.

To the person being controlled i.e you, you don't really believe it is happening. But this is also insidious in its onset and I am not at all surprised you are now concerned.

He will not change; infact his control will escalate over time.

I bet his ex wife got fed up with his controlling and left; I think if you were to talk to his ex partners you would find out an awful lot more about him than you already know. I don't think you really know him at all because he has kept his true nature hidden from you till you're well and truly sucked in by moving in with him.

Listen to the words of Jennifer Hudson's song

'Spotlight'

all about a controlling relationship

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UxWKNy-rew

My exh was also controlling in different ways.

Sounds awful. I woould be very worried

I think you should look on the "emotional abuse" thread...as this kind of control and not wanting you to have friends of your own looks like a lot of what is going on there...
You were obviously worried before you moved in and it has happened as you feared...were there other signs before you moved in?

That thead also has links to:

emotional abuse types

It sounds to me as if you are poised at the top of a cliff. You have a choice now to go on and fall or to turn around and keep safe.

Whatever fight you put up now will be nothing in comparison to the fight you will have to put up in a few years' time if you don't stand up to him now.

You are in danger of losing your identity. Don't let it happen.

An awful lot of domestic violence threads start in this way. What will he do the day when he takes it into his head that you have been going against him?

i think you've written previous threads about your relationship. you are NOT GOING MAD. this is not good for you.

i think you should try and just get up and go out and see what happens. if you can't, yes, you have been kidnapped, and it's time to get out.