Friendship in danger of crashing - comments appreciated

[ShouldDoMoreExcercise]

Not sure quite where to put this, but its about a friendship so here goes...will try to be as brief as poss....

I have been friends with a girl for over 10 years. In January her husband approached DH with a business proposition.

DH and I discussed it, and I asked him to really keep me out of it. All I asked was that he didn't put in more money than we could comfortably afford. I didn't want to get over involved, because I didn't want to lose the friendship I had if it all went wrong.

Discussed it with my friend, and she said that we wouldn't get involved, and wouldn't fall out if anything happenend. (That looks really naive reading it back!)

DH put in the money, but also mentioned that as he works in an office job, with long hours, he would give as much help and support as he could over the phone and online, but obviously extra time may be tight, particularly at weekends. Friend's husband agreed, said he wanted DHs expertise (and funding) more than anything else.

Now it looks as though my friend has been pot stirring, making a fuss sbout the amount of time her husband has spent doing things versus DH.

What should I do? Do I speak to her, although I don't think she realised DH had overheard her when he was on phone.

I am not one who will automatically jump to DHs defence if I know he is in the wrong, but the agreement was made between the men at the start, and I am not going to let her railroad DH into feeling as though he should do more, we see him little enough as it is.

Should I ask DH to speak to her husband to ask her to butt out?

I know that DH should never have gotten into this as friendships and business don't always mix, but I made my place very clear from the start, and she agreed to do the same.

Advice appreciated.

Message withdrawn

I think you should stay well clear.

If she has transgressed the unspoken rule that the women stay out of it, that is not a reason for you to do the same.

let the men sort it out.

how do you know she has been pot stirring? What has she actually said?

I'm with mrsblanc - steer well clear and let the men sort it out if your dh feels he wants to say anything.
Most distasteful, though given that your friend said she'd not be involved at all.
mixing honey with money, y'see - never a good idea....

Hi Luke

The same sort of thing happened to me a few years ago - some friends were builders, they encouraged us to buy a building plot, etc etc - it all went pear shaped when we realised we were a stalking horse for them in an auction and I overheard a conversation between them on an extension (telephone not house!) which made it quite clear what was going on.

They are v old friends going back 25 yrs and we didn't need to buy that plot (and in the end it would have been a bad decision but we didn't know it at the time). We let it go - the deal might come round again, real friends are hard to come by. I should try to ride it out but never trust her DH in any business stuff again.

mrsblanc DH overheard her making comments whilst he was on the phone to her husband.

I just knew this was going to happen, even though she had said it, she isn't the sort of person to not get involved.

The sad thing is that DH and her husband get on really well, so if things get funny between me and her it is going to strain their friendship. My DH finds it easy to compartmentalise, as do I, and would have no problem continuing to deal with him. She would expect her husband to have problems dealing with DH (if that makes sense)

Am going of to kick myself repeatedly and shout "I knew it, I knew it, I knew it......"

sorry, shoulddomore etc

My post was directed at you

I just can't keep up sometimes

well if she thought your dh was not pulling his weight she WOULD sat so to her dh - it is a very natural thing to do. I am sure we would all do the same . if the comments are limited to within the marriage, that does not seem so bad.Without knowing what she said it is difficult t judge. And we all say things to our dhs that we would not say if we thought others could hear!

Either way, she either

a) has a point. I which case, you need to keep out of it.

or
b) she is being unreasonable. In which case you need to keep out of it.

I hope it works out ok in the end.

your dh telling you what she said (which he was not mean to hear) was probably not a great idea, but again, perfectly natural. So you could say he is involving you in this , which is not ideal either.

I get your point, but I forgot to mention that we recently had a phone convo, where she mentioned this, in a very roundabout way. In fact I was left feeling like she was trying to blame me for DH not being available at the weekends. We have three small children, a house which needs an awful lot of work, and he works during the week, he isn't able to come home and start DIY.

I have to be careful what I put as I don't know if she is a Mumsnetter or not.

Thanks for your comments, I think I am going to keep my head down and nose out. If she starts making more comments to me, I might have to rethink, something along the lines of "I try to keep out of it, if your H has a problem, maybe he should speak to mine."

you have clearly thought this through and we are all singing from the same song sheet!

Good planned response. I would even go as far as to say "the men need to sort this between themselves and we need to stay out of it" . Her concerns may be legitimate but it isn't her place to try to fix things

Thanks mrsblanc, I needed to check that I wasn't being weird! Sometimes I can misinterpret things!

I dont think you are being weird . It's not an easy situation.

the complicating factor is that you and the wife are friends. Otherwise the situation is quite common - business partners where one (or their spouse) feels they are doing more than their share.

Good luck, and let the chaps sort it out!