XP seems so *happy* without me. Finding it difficult not to take this personally.

[makeitmendit]

When we were together, and semi-together trying to patch up our difficulties, he put on weight, gave up on his appearance, was having confidence and self-esteem crises and low spells, was switching off and looking vacant, his thoughts miles away.

We've (sort of) mutually agreed it's not going to work out. In a matter of days, he's dating and has spent a weekend away with another woman (which hurts). He's dusted off his nice togs and is wearing them again, he's confident, more articulate, kinder ... which is nice to be around, but confusing (why couldn't he do this while we were togther?) - and I'm feeling paranoid that I don't bring the best out in him/men in general.

It's chicken-and-egg stuff with us - we've both done things which have hurt each other, albeit on a monumental scale on his part (he'd agree with this). So I know I'm not perfect to live with. I'm just feeling sad and scared that I might have brought out the worst in him, that someone else will get the best of my son's dad, and that I'm going to f*ck up any future relationship for the same reasons. Is this possible? I can't see the wood for the trees at the moment.

Don't know what to say, but bumping for you as other lovely mners will.

Thanks, Poppity.

Some people just naturally bring out the worst in each other, just as others bring out the best in each other.

Don't take it personally. Be happy for him, and you too. You both have the chance to shine now with someone new - grab it with both hands and don't look back

I thought a bit more about your question, I think there could be a few reasons really.

Perhaps he was trying with you because of your son and your shared history, and guilt that he had hurt you so much. Now you have 'mutually' agreed to a split, he could feel free of that guilt, believing that is what you want?

Perhaps the guilt of hurting you was too much for him to deal with, although he still loved you, and seeing you daily made him face his failings?

Perhaps he has decided to pull his socks up as you separating has given him a kick up the backside?

Whatever the reason, it isn't just you and the person you are causing it, it is the combination of the two of you.

I have had some terrible relationships in the past, which very often failed in similar ways and for similar reasons. They weren't as meaningful as yours(no children), but I did feel at times that it must be me as the same pattern would sometimes occur.

I am now very happily married with children, and none of the issues that were a problem in previous relationships have ever been a problem, for me or him, in this one.

I hope you're ok, is the split not what you really want? Do you still love him? How would you feel if he was begging you to make it work?

Just read your post again, it seems odd to spend a weekend away with a new woman within days, are you sure he was faithful while you were trying to make it work? That would also explain his behaviour, sorry

Maybe he was just rubbish at being married/in a long-term partnership.

I put more effort in when I was single. Most of us do.

I suspect you didn't bring the worst out in him, rather that the circumstances did.

...it sounds like he has what I call "woman in house" syndrome, whereby men who function perfectly well living on their own get a woman moved in with them and regress to being about 4 years old and helpless.

DH used to do all his own cleaning, shopping, washing etc. Then I moved in and he just stopped....but obviously started again after I had a few words with him.

I think it's a weird societal/genetic male programming that a woman is around to look after you and some men just stop functioing on some levels once they are living with a woman.

Don't take it personally at all. I expect he will do the same thing with the next woman too.

I also knew a man who was so charming to all his girlfriends, lavished gifts and attention, opened car doors etc etc then as soon as they moved in he treated them like dirt and stopped even talking to them or bothering to go out, just sat watching telly and grunting.
Very strange, some men just see "girls they go out with" as a separate species from "wife/partner". It baffles me but it does happen.

Totally agree with miggsie. Some men think that 'other women' are all marvellous and worth spoiling, but that her indoors doesn't count as a woman.

Been treated to that one myself. But they're not all like that, so you will def have a chance to bring out the best in a good man now you're free of buggerlugs.

lol at buggerlugs

I separated from exh a few years ago, and from my experience I could say this. We both were, at the time, at the end of a strained relationship, when everything we did could bring the worst in us from the way he dealt with important things to the way he held the spoon. We were so feed up with each other and no longer able to open up to the needs or qualities of the other person. So we split.

Few months down the line we both met other people, I became a good friend of his new girlfriend and when I hear her talking about him is like she is talking about a person I don't know. Having said that, if my exh were told of things my new boyfriend and I enjoy doing together he wouldn't believe it, because those were things that I really didn't like doing wiht ex but do with new man (like spontaneously going for a weekend away after thinking about it for a few minutes, I simply couldn't bring myself to do that with ex). It is not that we have been worse for each other, it is just that every relationship is different, you are a different person with each realtionship because every person brings out different characteristics of your personality. I.E:

My ex has an absolute passion for dancing that I didn't share, he has met new girlfriend through dancing classes and they are having a fantastic time pursuing that shared interest. Now I dance more than I ever did at any other point of my life, and have felt surprised I do really enjoy it...and have finaly realised that it was not that I didn't like dancing, it is just that I hated to be so religious about it, but once the pressure was gone, I could do it and enjoy it.

On the other hand, I hear new man complaining about his exW and I found it so amusing, my ex would complain about the same thing almost with the same words. This has made me understand that it is not that ex and I were not that bad for each other but that the circumstnces that we had gone through got us to a point were everything became too much.

So heads up, if nothing that I have said above helps, at least keep in mind that it is not fair to compare a relationship that is just starting full of expectations to one that has just ended after a long problematic time. If you are going to compare his relationship with this woman and yours, well... compare it with the times when you were very happy at its beginning. If you have come all this way it should be because you should have done something very good

better or worse person fo

rogue sentence at the end of the paragraph, must remember to preview...