Should I ignore ethics and stay in this relationship?

[Pamboli]

That is the question.

Had a rather traumatic end to what seemed a very healthy and strong relationship last year. It ended without warning from one day to the other one.

There have been difficult times, and little by little I am letting myself trust that things will be ok and that new boyfriend is not necessarily going to disappear from my life as the previous did.

However, although I'm pretty convinced I'm with a good man now, who has been incredibly patient in getting me to trust again, who is an immense source of support in any aspect of my life, who loves me to bits and whose company I enjoy very much.... I can't stop thinking of the other guy, who has not shown any sign whatsoever of an interest in coming back.

I know it is not fair on new man, and I have been agonising to take a decision whether to end this relationship or not. In principle I should but... if the ghost of previous man were gone, everything would be ok. New man is great, the other one is nowhere to be seen. I'm not afraid of being on my own, but I would hate to break his heart just to allow myself more time to get the other one out of my mind, more so when I'm enjoying as much as he is the time we spend together, he is lovely, but... what is the correct decision here?

Should I break someone's heart based on strong ethics or should stay with him until I forget about the other one?

i think you should just be on your own for a while....no man. just you.

The only reason you are agonising is because (i am going to go all Amreican Psych now ) you don't seem to have had proper closure with your ex.

If i were you i would consider whether or not i was enjoying the new relationship for it's own merits, so do you enjoy his company, do you have fun, do you fancy him?
If you can tick those then how about living in the moment and seeing what develops naturally.
You don't have to plan for the future, no one can predict what will happen and if this one is for keeps. But you could be kinder to yourself and enjoy things.

Don't use him to get over your ex though. That would be unfair if he is keen on you.

I think you as idrankthetea said, you need either closure or, to know that you did everything you could, it's not your fault and it wouldn't have worked. Then you can move on.

Otherwise you'll have a life of 'what ifs' and that's not fair on anyone.

you dont seem to have closure on your first relationship - do you think you rushed into this new one?

the new man seems lovely so maybe try and appreciate that - he may get fed up if you are living in the past - if you want to be in your new relationship, then perhaps give it your complete attention

Idranktheteaatwork
Yes, I enjoy his company, I have fun and I fancy him. He is absolutely adorable, and much more compatible with me than the other guy ever was, we get along better than I did with ex.

I'm pretty much sure that what is affecting the things is that I got very attached to ex's children, and miss the "family" we used to be. Obviously, no man can make up for that loss in the short term... and it would be stupid of me to expect otherwise

Tiffany... perhaps you are right

would you drop the nm for the old guy if he were to reappear do you think?

how long have you been with nm and how would you feel if he were to finish with you?

I need the closure, but it is not coming through even when I know that everything that could be done has been done.

You can grieve for the loss of a family separately to the loss of the relationship with your ex and that doesn't mean that your new man is not a Good Thing for you.

It is sad and i feel for you, i would be devestated if i lost contact with my dsd, but you do have to look to your future now. The chances are that you will never get proper closure, you woldn't want to throw away chances because of that would you?

I wish you well whatever you decide.

Sh*t Mrs Boogie! the first thing that came to my mind after reading your second question was relieved...

I don't know what I would do if the old guy reappeared... I can't imagine how on Earth I would be able to trust him again.

before i read that you'd be relieved, my advice was to just keep quiet. enjoy the relationship with nm for what it is and time will heal poor closure from om.

but now you've said 'relieved', i strongly think you should be on your own for a bit. you can explain all this to nm. perhaps he'll be willing to wait. but honesty really is the best policy in this case.

I might be fooling myself here thinking that the other one would return if I ended this relationship.... Fat chance...

I might be putting too much pressure on myself about keeping to my principles even if it means loosing a relationship that looks far more promising than the previous one.

I have talked to nm about some other problems I'm going through at the moment... and I can see that, if the ghost of the previous one, wasn't around I would be able to fall in love with him big time. At the same time I can see that ghost becoming less noticeable with every day that passes... although sometimes it resurfaces badly as this week, when it was the anniversary of the previous relationship, I have been missing the children miserably.