so nm is a workaholic - give me the pro's and cons please

[ridingjoker]

hi, before i get any further into this relationship. and commit anymore time and effort, i'd like to get some views on some of you mners who go through this.

exp was also known to work very long hours. so that i'm used to.

but, NM seems to get all consumed by it some days and there will be no contact at all from.

he's a genuine workaholic who works long hours as he enjoys his job. not like my ex who worked long hours as it was the line of business he choose.

i find hard working a great quality.

anyone else got a partner who gets completely obsessed by it if something happens at work. losses all track of time. doesn't talk to anyone outside of work.he goes to work early hours.comes home late. works till bedtime. goes for couple of hours kip then back up again.

no one any experience? any one partner similar?

Um, what's in it for you?

when works em.. "normal" and not in hectic mode he's completely different. very attentive.

several things really

a)he's mentally stable as far as i can see.
b)same age and no baggage.
c)financial solvent
d)rather splendid in bed
e)willing to take on me and my mountain of baggage without batting an eyelid
f)genuine. he says what he means. knows what he wants.

there's more but those are main reasons.

You will always come second if it's a choice between a long-standing promise to you and a last-minute work emergency. Any children you have with him will also come second and you will be left to explain why Daddy has gone abroad/not been there for bedtime for weeks/works weekends.

DH is a workaholic and it's bloody annoying. He wasn't like it when I first met him or when we got married, if he had been we would never have got married. (Not saying I regret marrying him exactly, but the ratio of pleasurable companionship to being left on my own to cope with all the family stuff is not what I would like it to be.)

as see i have dc of my own. and they will always come before him.

so i'm hoping the 2nd place thing will balance itself out.

agree with bran. It's workable for a while and then believe me, it really starts to piss you off. I'm not sure I would have had the dc's if I'd known the terms and conditions at the time (this week he is away for 6 nights, comes home for one and then away for another 5.) One of ours has mild SN, the other is at the screechy toddler age and it's incredibly hard work.

The only upside that I can see is the financial security which comes with it but that's not necessarily adequate compensation for the loss in quality of life in my view. Be sure what you're getting into..

We are going on holiday in a couple of weeks in order to "get ahead of himself" dh has been in early, coming home late, seeing the children to bed, then off back into work again, coming home about 1am. We are currently sleeping in separate bedrooms so he doesn't disturb me when he is coming in late.

He often has to go off to places at the drop of a hat and sometimes I really do not see him for days and days on end.

I think that is why I MN - boredom.

If you don't mind being self-reliant then it might be ok. If you have a holiday planned for instance and a few days beforehand he says he can't go, would you a) go by yourself with the kids and have a great time; b) go and have a good time but spend at least part of the holiday fuming; c) cancel the holiday. If you would do c) then you should probably end the relationship now. If you would do b) then you are me (I probably fume more than is healthy for me). If you would do a) then you could have quite a happy relationship with a workaholic.

My dh is a workaholic, the cons are that I don't see him as much as I'd like to and at times he is distracted. the pros are that he is as paasionate about home as he is about work. .

reducedfat - I made DH agree to a written contract before I would agree to a second child. Of course, he's more slippery than the devil. The contract had the maximum number of nights a week that he could miss bedtime (3) and the maximum number of nights a month that he could spend abroad (5 I think) but he hasn't been an early riser in the past so I forgot to write mornings into the contract. So now in order to keep to the terms of the contract and get home in the evenings he is "going to have to" have meetings every weekday before work so won't be doing the morning routine with me.

Don't expect it to balance itself out.

DH is a workaholic in all areas.

So he works all day researching, comes home and every evening does work for an association, and then does stuff in the garden/house in between.

He doesn't really "do" leisure time!

Great for getting things done.

Fairly good for me because I have to work evenings too so no conflict of one all alone in the home office.

BAD because during holidays/weekends I am traipsing around alone with the DC to give him time to do more jobs.

We had a conversation pre-kids where it was agreed DH would step down a bit from his association work after DC.

Has he? NO. He is incapable of delegating and always will be and also noone else is prepared to sacrifice THEIR free time to the extent he is.

Good luck!

bran we um and ah about a third but TBH realistically it's just not workable.

ah well, currently he's working abroad. coming back for a couple of weeks off every couple months.

plan is for me to go visit him in between his home visits. he's out there for couple of year before he's back for good in scotland.

so i've got a good couple of year really before i decide to get extremely settled. and in these couple of year i can concentrate on my lo's. by the time he's back here they will be off to school. and i will have finished getting my education and be off to work full time again.

but i'm still the type of person who doesn't like to drag something out that i see as a temporary arrangement.

as for the cancelled holiday.

i would choose a) bugger off without and make sure i tell him in glorious detail all the fun he is missing. i am a huge fan of travelling. and travelling alone is something i've done quite alot of. so really doesn't bother me

another plus side of the relationship is for the initial period i get free holidays to where he is. which are rather enjoyable child free time.

i've had plenty of experience dealing with everything on my own due to twat exp. i actually find life easier as a LP. one less person to think about. i'm not actually sure if i could live with someone else again. after my trip out to visit him recently i was relieved to come home for some space and peace.

think i am beginning to enjoy my company too much.

There are some pluses,you get your own space.It can get you down though.Depends how flexible you are,if you are not prepared to be flexible,it won`t work.On the whole its ok,rather a workaholic than the other aholics.

now i did think about if he wanted dc of his own.

i was thinking about the contract thing. is it workable? i wouldn't have another by ANY other man without an agreement of some sort. signed and sealed.

i dont even believe or like marriage. but i would do this if it meant i wasn't stuck in same situation as i was with current dc.

jardy - exp was a workaholic but with a gambling addiction. i think i could be more than happy with a workaholic on its own. lol.

and i dont think i could deal with a man who was home every evening. tbh. i've always really enjoyed my own space.

exp wasn't really workaholic. not to same extent. he just worked long unsociable hrs. NM is genuine workaholic. he actually LOVES his work. and gets incredibly wrapped up in it.

I don't think our contract is at all enforceable in a legal sense, but it's a benchmark. In a sense it's a written promise by him that I can point to and say "look this is what you said it would be like, you're not allowed to break your word". I can't rely on any verbal promises from him as most of the time when he's talking to me he's actually thinking about work so doesn't remember what he's agreed to. He's also fairly revisionist about past events and conversations. For instance he has this opinion that I am sick and he is healthy, but I pointed out that when we both got flu 3 years ago he was much more ill than I was, he didn't remember that he had ever had flu. Not lying, genuinely believed that he had never had flu. But he remembers work-related things forever.

If you genuinely feel that you will always be ok with him agreeing to do something and then being too busy or forgetting to follow through then you might be ok with him. Not just holidays but decorating the house, meeting in the pub, going with you to pick up something that you can't carry by yourself. My DH also tends to volunteer for things, then not be able to do it for work reasons but volunteer me to take his place without consulting me. If I refuse to do it (which I usually do) then I'm the bad person for letting others down. That includes offering to take DS places or do things with him, then at the last minute he can't and says "don't worry Mummy will go".

On the plus side, you'll probably get to know his employees quite well. DH is quite generous about sending an office junior to cover for him, like taking DS to/from nursery if I'm too ill.

bran - i've already discovered some of the various plus sides for him being in a great job and being a highly valued employee. his company bent over backwards on my visit over to him.

Yes, there are upsides. The last time we moved country we had a relocation agent to do all the tedious flat hunting and bureaucratic paperwork. On the otherhand if he hadn't been a workaholic I would have had a bit more say in the move. He phoned me on a Thursday at work and said "I've been offered a job in Berlin and I've taken it. I start on Monday week". That was pre-children though. The last job he took abroad he pretended to consult with me, but then took it anyway as it was only going to be 3 months and 3 days a week so DS would probably not even notice he was gone. 6 months later DS was still having hysterics on a Sunday night when we dropped DH off at the airport. The contract eventually ran for 11 months and he only terminated it in order to persuade me to adopt again.

Haventslept - DD's birth mother is due to give birth again in a few months and the child will almost certainly be placed for adoption. I'm getting vibes that DH is keen (and of course it would be wonderful for DD) but I really can't see it happening unless DH sells his company in the meantime.

well ladies. so far the cons seem to be travelling and being left to deal with dc on my own.

i like travelling. and dc are my own so i do that anyway.

might stick this out and see where it goes. it could all go tits up i suppose. but i've already realised if i want it to go anywhere i have got to leave him be when he's engrossed in work like this. as time goes on he will probably get better at the contact thing. but in these early days if he doesn't contact his family or friends he's known for years. it's unrealistic to expect him to have daily contact when he's busy. when he's not busy here's days of constant text and several skype a day

how was it for you guys in the early days? were you all single and dc free when you met your workaholics? did you find yourself quite far down the list of priorities on their busy days?

DH was a rather slack and under-achieving student when we met at university. The workaholic thing built up slowly. It might not have happened if we had had children young, but we were married for 14 years before we had DS.

ah so the workaholic thing snuck up on you

ridingjoker, the nm's workaholic ways might work for you now, but it might not in the future.

i'm married to a workaholic, who very fortunately takes his family responsibilities very seriously. but this means that he works after the kids are in bed and on weekends.

i think in the long term, as long as you can occupy yourself just as well in your spare time (ha! what spare time???) then great! but if you need to be around someone and need to share all the time, you'll find it hard. me - i'm a loner. i don't like people particularly, so being alone is something i need and works very well with dh's obsessions re. world domination.

warthog - i am one of 5 siblings and have quite a large group of friends. who i rely on all dearly. and keep me very busy.

infact i have very little spare time.although i'm sahm at present while lo's are so young. everyday of the week has scheduled activities and days allocated to visiting certain relatives and friends.

NM being here will be real test. as i wont be able to see him willy nilly. he will have to work around my schedule. he will be on "holiday" for a few weeks when here soon.so hopefully he will be as understanding of my schedule as i am of his.

i'm not a loner as such.i have always been very involved with my family and friends though.but when i do get spare time i relish having it to myself.