XP coming over in an hour to talk about DS. He has hurt me so much. How on earth do I be friendly? I know I have to, somehow.

[bellybuttonfluff]

We're sorting access arrangements for DS at the moment, and looking at finances. It needs to be done, and I'm acutely aware that we need to be friendly, or at least civilised, about it.

XP has hurt me so much. He did it once before, we worked on our relationship and I gave him a second chance, and he's hurt me again. This makes it very difficult for me to be 'nice' around him. Our instincts tell us not to be friendly with someone who doesn't treat us as a friend would, surely?

I have explained to XP that he will have to bear with my coolness for a while, as I feel angry and hurt about how he has treated me. He didn't apologise. He simply acknowledged my honesty and said he hopes I'll feel friendlier in time.

So, how do I manage it? How do I do nice, when I'm not feeling it? It feels counter-intuitive.

Hi Belly Button Fluff

I don't think you have to be "nice" to your XP who has betrayed your trust.

You need to be able to reach decisions as amicably as possibly with him for the good of your DS. This does not necessarily mean being "nice" to XP in my book, who probably has not been "nice" to you.

Maybe in times to come you will be friends but at the moment you have the right to be as cool as you like IMHO.

I hope this helps and good luck with the meeting.

Sorry no advice but best of luck with it. I know how you feel and am struggling with the same thing.

You don't have to be 'nice' or 'friendly', I'd recommend just being indifferent, unemotional, and just stick to the agenda, as if you're arranging something with a stranger or someone you don't know.

Don't show that you are upset or angry though, don't show any emotion, just get on with the business of discussing DS, but only in a capacity he needs to know about.

It is hard, of course it is, but just be strong, don't fake cheerfulness or anything, but don't be cross and grumpy of angry either, just indiffernet and business-like.

Good luck, it is hard isn't it?

oh, and don't bother 'explaining' to your ex why you are being cool, or giving him reasons of excused etc., there's no need to include him in how you feel. Just be cool and indifferent around him.

You need to sever the emotional ties to him. The sooner you start doing this the easier it will be in the long run.

I would pretend he is a bank manager or from the Inland Revenue (possibly with b.o.), and that I needed to talk about money and be professional but no more than that. It might be easier to maintain than 'friendly'. Good luck.

Yes, in fact on re-reading your post XP seems to be acting pretty cool himself. Just acknowledging your honesty and not apologising for what he has done.

I'd just be cool and professional back, and as OMDB says you don't have to apologise for or explain anything.

Easier said than done I know!

Thank you all. Feeling better already.

I think I'd been expecting too much of myself, given the circumstances.

I am now going to breeeeeathe, and imagine another estate agent is coming over. Just handled one of them; I can handle a [pretend] second one.

Exactly. Treat him like a colleague you don't especially lie but have to be co-operative with. It really helps to visualise it like this - I've tried it and it helped me anyway.

I Know how you feel bellybuttonfluff... i have the same problem.. you are not alone. WE have argued infront of our ds and its not good and i fell very guilty. After lastr Sat and a big row cos he withheld money cos i had kept ds with me the w.end b4 , i have stipulated that he make payment via a Standing Order so i dont have to stand begging when he forgets the money each Sat. Good luck , keep calm and just concentrate on your Ds and that you are doing this diffucult thing for him.

Let us all know how it went. Hugs XX

But you know, isn't the ideal to be friendly, for the child's sake? Can't they pick up on the contained tension of cool civility? I really want DS to be OK through this, and realise me and his dad being nice to each other will help that. But I'm breaking my head trying too hard I think. It's going to have to be a compromise, which I think is what you're all suggesting.

Might start another thread on how to explain this kind of situation to a child. DS knows we don't live together anymore, but wants to know why - why did Daddy leave, why can't he sleep here anymore, why won't he move back in. He's five. I'm going with the line: "Sometimes, grown-ups have disagreements which, no matter how hard they try, they can't sort out. And it's better to live between two happy homes than one with a lot of arguing in it." Is this sort of line OK?

"Friendly" is only possible if it's true. Civil and co-operative is fine for children, and much better than acting and then getting upset later on. The reality is, that if you go for friendly too soon, you are behaving in a personal manner, and I guarantee that within minutes it will start pushing your buttons till you are seething or in tears. Trust me.

BBF: that's a good line. You don't have to be anything more than polite and civil to your XP for the moment (you may be able to get friendlier over time; hopefully you will if he behaves well as a co-parent). Don't discuss anything with him that is't directly to do with childcare/access/finances.
And children will pick up that you're not happy, but that's because you're not happy, and you can't actually change that at the moment.