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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found out I'm pregnant 3 weeks after my relationship failed...

8 replies

Silverwaves · 12/05/2009 20:22

I broke up with my BF at easter but found out I'm pregnant a few weeks later...

Was a complete shock and has taken a long while to get my head round what's actually happening.

We broke up because we we're compatiable and I couldn't see a future at all...he's 29 still at Uni and I'm 25 and quite career minded, like the nicer things in life I don't want to be supporting a student!

But I'm struggling with being a first time pregnant mum to be, I'm 10 weeks, sickness and fatigue are a nightmare, live alone and I'm actually quite scared of the whole process.

Please please can I have some advice, worrying about alsorts, am I going to find a new partner, I don't like being alone, how am I going to cope being a single mum...what can I replace a cuddle with and someone who will just tell me things will be fine..

or am I being pathetic and should just get on with it..??

OP posts:
HolyGuacamole · 12/05/2009 20:23

Does your ex know you are pregnant?

kitsmummy · 12/05/2009 20:50

Good luck, I was a single parent, went back to work when baby 6 months old, still managed to keep my house, pay the mortgage and get by, tax credits should help a lot with childcare. 2 years later I met my DH and we now have another child. It will all work out eventually and your baby will be the most wonderful thing in your life. It is hard, no doubt, but these things can work out.

mrsboogie · 12/05/2009 21:18

Have you told your ex? How supportive is he being? You are gong to need him - even if you are not together you are carrying his child and there's a lot he can do to be there for you. That's the first thing you need to sort out.

Don't worry about meeting someone else - concentrate on you and your baby for now. but don't worry - you will meet someone.

Join one of the ante-natal threads on here in the pregnancy section - you will get a lot of support from women who are going through pregnancy at the same time as you.

Silverwaves · 12/05/2009 21:34

Yeah he knows, he's living in London atm but wants to help and support which I don't want to deny him of..

Guess I need to learn to focus on my baby's needs and not my own, thanks for throwing in that point of view...

OP posts:
solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 13/05/2009 01:38

If you can stay on amicable terms with the XP you can build a good co-parent relationship, which can be great for support, sharing the work and all that - I am not in a couple-relationship with my DS' dad and it works well for us.
Basically if you split because you were incompatible but you both think of each other as OK human beings (as opposed to having split up because one of you was abusive or dishonest or nuts) you have a good chance of things turning out fine.
Best of luck by the way.

thesilverlining · 13/05/2009 18:16

the fatigue and sickness will be draining and its very hard when you are on your own - but keep crossing off the days on your calender - the sickness and fatigue will wear off from about 13 weeks honestly - and then you will have the opportunity to be really excited about whats happening next! You will do brilliantly - you sound like a focussed kind of woman so raising a child single handedly will be just another challenge you will relish - honestly.

Best of luck and hang in there!

mrsboogie · 13/05/2009 18:41

But you need that bloke on board and doing his bit! Its his responsibility too and your welfare is the child's welfare so make sure he helps you out.

nappyaddict · 13/05/2009 20:15

Is the only reason you are imcompatible because he is still at uni and because you have a good career and don't want to support him? Now there is a baby in the equation you may not even want to go back to work full time or even at all. You won't know until your maternity leave is up unfortunately and it is almost impossible to plan. How long does he have left at uni? Remember at the end of his uni education there will be a good job and it may be him supporting you staying at home or a part time career. If you are compatible in every other way except for this career/uni thing I would perhaps rethink whether trying again is completely out of the question.

I'm not going to lie being a single mum is hard. Here are a few problems I have encountered. Some are a bit more trivial than others.

If you and your baby are ill there's no one to take a day off to look after you and your child. If you're ill you still have to drag yourself out of bed to do the school/nursery run.

If you want to go out for a run you can't unless you take a pushchair which makes it much harder. If you want to go to the gym you can't go to any gym you have to find one with a creche facility and then it has to be a creche that you are happy is suitable for your child.

Once they are too old for baby screenings at the cinema the only films you'll be watching are animated films about fish and penguins

You won't have a peaceful meal out for ages. It's all walking around and trying to keep them quiet and happy whilst your food goes cold and you leave whoever you've come with on their own. It's not so bad when it is your partner but you feel much more guilty when it is your friend.

Daytrips to places like Alton Towers are impossible unless you have very understanding friends who won't mind splitting into groups so there is someone to watch your baby so you can go on the rides. Then when they get older and want to go on the kiddy rides you can only go with other people who have kids and won't mind spending time in the children's section. Oh and you have to go with more than one family because 1 couple and you makes 3 which means 2 people go on a ride together and 1 gets left on their own looking after the kids. Even then it's not ideal because a lot of the rides you have to go on in 2s and you being on your own makes it an odd number.

Not a problem for me but my (single) friend loves ice skating and skiing. Before she had her DD she used to go every week. She had to miss out on that because she had no one to look after her baby so she could go. Now she is 2 and she does take her along so it wasn't a sacrifice she had to give up for long. She's been taking her since she could walk at 11 months and now at 2 she is quite good for her age and can do it on her own but my friend still obviously can't do what she would do if she was on her own.

I only get my hair done twice a year because it takes about 3.5 hours and it is that much hassle trying to fit it in around naps and playgroup. I have found a cheap mobile hairdresser (£35 for cut and colour) so she comes at 12:15 just before DS goes for a nap. I wash my hair before she comes so she can get right on with the colour. Whilst she is doing this I sit DS in front of a DVD on the sofa with his lunch (bad mummy alert) and then he drops off to sleep for a few hours. The problem is sometimes he wakes up before it's done at a really inconvenient time like when the colours being washed out and then its havoc trying to get the cut and styling done whilst he's awake. I also have to try and time it so I can get my eyebrows threaded, eyelashes permed, waxing, pedicure etc done whilst he is asleep. They have a drop in thing so I walk around with him in his buggy until he is asleep and then pray he won't wake up before I've waited my turn and got whatever it is done. I have had to walk out with things half done before and go back another day. No all afternoon beauty sessions for me anymore. It's all very mishap and fitting in odd bits here and there when I can (not very often)

however it is also very rewarding. My advice would be when the baby is born find out about all the things you can go to. Story time at the library, baby and toddler groups, baby swimming sessions, baby massage sessions, sing and sign session, music sessions, tumble tots etc. It keeps you sane and even if you only meet 1 very good friend from them all it will be worth it for those odd times when you are desperate for a babysitter or just a bit of company. Up until about 6 months DS was great in the house and would just lie on the floor playing or go to sleep and i could get on and do things. He was very portable and I could take him anywhere without much fussing and just give him a feed, rock or cuddle if he got a bit upset. However after this he would get really bored staying in the house and very frustrated cos he would push his toys out of the way and wouldn't be able to reach them (he didn't crawl or sit for ages)We are both a lot happier out of the house, or staying at home as long as there is other people to amuse ds - i think he gets bored of it being just me all the time.

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