Will the lies ever stop? Please help

[marmaladesmum]

I have been with my husband for 11 years, married 4 and have 1 year old son. When our son was 3 months old I discovered that he was having an affair. Once exposed the affair stopped straight away and he begged me to go to councilling to work things through as he didn't want to lose me. We decided on a fresh start after many dark days and have now sold our house and will move to a new one in three weeks for a fresh start.

I have just discovered a bank statement of a secret account that pays off a loan he has had for a few years. I am devastated as he had a debt problem when we first met and we worked it out and I thought he had leant his lesson. So not only has he been deceiful but he hasn't learnt from his past mistake.

We move to a new house in three weeks and I am so confused if I want to make it work with him after his continual betrayels. He says that he kept the loan secret because he thought the affair was enough to deal with and that if I knew about the loan I would leave. He also says that now he knows and loves our son his priorities have changed and he loves us and wants to make a family life and be good to us.

I just don't know if I believe him and has he had too many chances. He is my best friend though and we have got on so well just before this latest blow so should I give it a go or cut my loses and leave as he won't change?

Sorry for such a long post. Would very much appreciate your advice as I am so confused about what to do and time is against me with the house move.

oh dear - did your counsellor not say that he needs to be open and honest about EVERYTHING from now on. You cannot live your life not knowing what the truth is.

He is the one who cocked up not you so he is the one who needs to sort it out.

If you want it to work - try counselling again but also be prepared to stick to your own boundaries - the house move although unfortunate should not sway your decision but that will be very hard.

Good luck

I'd say give it a go. I know it's still a betrayal about the debt, but IMO not as serious as an affair, and he has said he didn't want you to leave, so that's why he hid it. That shows he cares even if he has been a sap. Give him one more chance (if you want to).

Thanks for your thoughts HappyWomen its meant a lot that you took the time to reply.

I need to grow some balls I think and like you say I have boundaries and I shouldn't be afraid to mark them. I think my confidence is rock bottom as he keeps doing horrid things to our relationship, me, himself and then we agree to move on and work it out. Everytime I do that i feel I lose a bit of me but I don't know if I am strong enough just yet to make the exit and perhaps never will be.

I read another post of a lady that said you just know when its time to leave and you get up one day and say thats it, thats enough. Perhaps that day will arrive for me or I will live in ambivalence forever more.

Gosh its very difficult.

Did he tell you why he needed the loan and what he spent the money on?

I am not saying you have to leave - but you do need to know what you will tolerate.

Dont feel bad that you change your mind either - afterall as the relationship grows you dont always know where your boundaries are - and they are allowed to change too.

communication is the key - as long as you have set it out to him and told him what you are willing to accept and what you are not he will not have the excuse that you have 'changed' or are being unreasonable.

And i think it is just as big a deal breaker as an affair - its all lies and leading you to believe everything is ok.

I am a bit confused.

I thought you knew he had money problems?

Is this a new loan he has taken out while you have been together?

do you feel it is your fault he lied?

You know he thought you would leave so he had to lie and cover up the account

Why do you want to stay with a man who would happily steal money from you and your son and then try to blame it on you when he got caught?

Why did he put you all in debt without your knowledge or consent?

When I first met my husband I discovered he had debt and I and his parents helped him sort it all out and get rid of it. The debt was from his previous marriage and seperation and from treating me to things like holidays in our first year together. He seemed so remorseful regarding the loans and he displayed behaviour which I thought demonstrated he understood he shouldn't try to be someone he's not by buying things he can't afford and putting a mill stone around our future where debt was concerned. It turns out that the secret bank account and loan payments stem back to the days when we got together as he hadn't declared all his debt but in addition over the years he has continued to add to it for things I truly believed were being paid for by current earning and savings. He has been very clever to build smoke and mirrors and to hide this from me.

When I found out about the affair he says he wanted to come clean then but he felt that because the affair was so horrible and such terrible timing (son only 3 months old when I found out) that he couldn't expose the debt as it was an extra risk that I would leave.

At no time do I feel like this has been my fault as I have provided him with a safe environment every time to talk openly about problems and that I was resonable to sort out anything life threw at him, me, us. At the end of the day I had entered a marriage and believed that it needed continual work and good communication but no matter what I said to him he still went and performed actins and kept secrets that were detrimental to our relationship.

I just don't know why I continue to think we can work this out as his behaviour time and time again goes against my beliefs and morals and as much as I try and be reasonable he has tried to destroy us.

I worry for the future if I do stay because he has demonstrated on a number of occassions that he messes up, gets found out, promises never to do it again and then here we are again. I may well be happier making the break and finding a better person to be with but I never wanted a seperated family as marriage means so much to me.

no one wants a seperated marriage - but he knew all along that it could/would destroy you and the relationship you have built.

You can get over betrayal but and it is a big but that it stops on all levels there and then.

Good luck

I find it very worrying that he quite happily lies to you over huge things like this.

I can't advise you on whether or not you should give him another chance, but if you do, then I think you should make it pretty clear that this is his absolute last chance to live his life with you honestly.

So presumably he treated this woman he was seeing the same way as he treated you in your first year together - lots of treats on the never never.

It seems to me that if you thought you had enough money to pay for your lifestyle, then he was probably spending the money on someobody else.

As for bad timing?

Is he fucking kidding? He chose the timing of the affair! Yes, it was terrible timing, but that makes it WORSE, not better that he also hid his thieving from you.

How dare he take away your choice to leave a husband who both cheats and steals? How dare he defend his lies as being done to reduce the risk of you leaving?

He needed to keep you in the dark about debt that you could be forced to pay off in order to prevent you from leaving him? That is the way a confidence trickster behaves, not a husband.

Where is the honour, the bravery, the integrity of this man?

He has been lying to you (and essentially stealing from you, and now your son) throughout your entire relationship about huge, massive things that could put you in serious financial, and potentially legal, difficulties. And he's a cheater who is happy to fuck another woman while his wife needs him most.

Also this:
"He also says that now he knows and loves our son his priorities have changed"

if my husband said this to me I would leave him even though he isn't a cheating, thieving, pathetic little manchild who can't sort out his own business.

Before he "knew" your son he didn't love him? And what about you? You weren't a priority until now either?

Seriously, fuck this guy.

have come late to this thread but I agree with every word that skidoodle says