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Original poster

Am I making a big deal out of this?

26 replies

mampam · 12/05/2009 12:21

A supposed very good friend of mine seems to be irritating the hell out of me at the moment. I don't think it's because she's changed in any way, I think it's because I've started noticing more the things that she says and it has started to really annoy me.

She's the kind of person who thinks she is the perfect wife and mother and seems to criticise everyone else except herself.

I'll give you a few examples of the things that she says and does. My ds is 5 months older than her ds so quite often I pass on my ds's clothes that no longer fit him. The last time I did this she sat there in front of me picking through the clothes making faces at some of them and making comments like "what the hell is that?" or "I think I'll take that straight to the charity shop". I've since not passed on any more clothes.
In January my dh's hours at work were halved, I was talking to my friend about this and saying how worried I was about how we were going to pay bills etc and she replied "well the first thing you should do is do a car boot sale and sell some of that crap that you've got in your garage".
In the Easter holidays she came to our house with her dc's and when I made them some lunch I asked her if she would like a packet of crisps. She had some and when she openned them remarked "I always eat crap when I come to your house".
She always makes a point of letting me know how cold she thinks my house is, she goes on about it so much I have to bite my tongue from saying "well fuck off and go home to your warm cosy house then" and she'll keep her coat on the whole time she's at my house.

The icing on the cake for me was last week my friend, her dh and dc's came around for my ds's birthday tea. Her youngest ds(2yrs) had a chocolate icecream in a cone for his dessert, he got down from the table and went into the living room with it so I asked him to come back to the table and sit up several times, to which he said "NO" and then got up on the sofa with it and I said to him "Don't you get that on my sofa" my friend piped up and said "he's usually quite good with things like that"!!!!

Is it just me or would any of you find these things quite annoying?? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

OP posts:
warthog · 12/05/2009 12:23

sounds irritating. is she worth it?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 12/05/2009 12:24

OK, I can see that she's a bit irritating and thoughtless in her comments, but I guess we all are sometimes. But if she's a very good friend, presumably there are more good points to her?

Divineintervention · 12/05/2009 12:24

She has no self censorship and probably doesn't know how rude she is. Just tell her.

Numberfour · 12/05/2009 12:28

she sounds awful. i don't think that you are making a big deal out of it. she is rude and thoughtless, and not a particularly nice person.

get rid of her and move on.

even if you think that there are some redeemable qualities about her, why spend time with someone who is going to make you feel shit about yourself every time you see her?

no point in that, imo.

TsarChasm · 12/05/2009 12:29

She sounds annoying alright. Maybe you are seeing too much of her?

With the exception of about two friends, most people I know seem to get on my wick if I see them too often.

Niftyblue · 12/05/2009 12:29

Stand up to her tell her what you think
When she makes a comment throw it back at her like the comment about crap food comment
"its like home to home for you then"
she will soon get the message

She actually does`nt sound worth it TBH

onepieceofcremeegg · 12/05/2009 12:31

She's sounding very rude to me.

Perhaps if you could give us one or two good points about her we could see why you have her as a friend?

Perhaps (this happened to me) you weren't very confident when you first met her, so put up with her rudeness and nonsense, but now you are stronger and think more highly of yourself and understand that you don't deserve this behaviour from her?

Original poster
mampam · 12/05/2009 12:37

No I don't think she knows she doing it or certainly how irritating or upsetting it can be at times. She criticises something about our house everytime she steps foot inside it no matter how much dh and I make an effort to tidy up and make it look perfect just because we know she'll say something. It's like she thinks she's so bloody perfect compared to us, when in fact her house is usually a tip but I would never dream of saying a word about it.

We got a rescue cat recently who we think had lived in doors with it's previous owner all it's life because she didn't really know what to do with herself when we put her outside. So obviously my friend had to make a comment about it "you always get pets that have got something wrong with them" wtf? Other than the cat we've got a guinea pig and a rabbit which don't have anything wrong with them!!

I just feel like I'm getting to the point where I'm going to have to say something but will probably do it when I've finally blown a fuse, which won't be good for our friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
mampam · 12/05/2009 12:39

She was there for me when my exh had an affair. Thats really all I can think of.

OP posts:
YanknCock · 12/05/2009 12:40

I'd find all that annoying, especially not enforcing your house rules about eating messy stuff at the table.

No idea if this is naive of me or what, but I remember getting quite irritated at a friend of XH's who let her 2 year old eat a jam donut over our light coloured carpet (rented place). I'd tried to encourage him back to the kitchen, and she butted in and said, 'oh he always eats in the living room at our house'. Well, he's not AT your house! And YOU won't have to pay to get the carpet cleaned when we move out!

Woman was annoying in a million other ways and threw a big strop while she was there over something or other. We actually never saw her again, thank goodness.

Original poster
mampam · 12/05/2009 12:47

It really pissed me off when she knew I didn't want her 2 year old in my living room roaming around with chocolate icecream. It would have been a different story were the situations reversed and we were in her house.

I haven't been to her house for weeks now just because I can't stand it anymore.

OP posts:
saggyhairyarse · 12/05/2009 12:47

She sounds like a bit of a bitch to be honest.

Laquitar · 12/05/2009 12:49

I had the same problem with a 'friend' of mine. I 've decided to see much less of her and only in a cafe or park not at my place. I cant have someone coming to my house to insult me (my curry was too spicy, my living room too cold, my art on the wall not to her taste etc etc) Fine, then you are not invited again to my house . You suppose to feel good when you have people around and you cook for them. If they upset you then whats the point? Can you meet her less and in another place and if it is still bad then get rid of her?

endless · 12/05/2009 12:52

Can you just generally cut ties with her?
You have already started in a round about way by not going to her house.

No fuss, just dont text back, or get back to her after phone calls.

Original poster
mampam · 12/05/2009 12:54

Her behaviour came to my attention when my friend upset another friend of mine (who the friend in question doesn't even really know) by making a comment about the size of my other friends bump, when she was pregnant. She really upset my other friend and it was then I thought to myself that she actually says similar things to me.

OP posts:
ninedragons · 12/05/2009 12:56

My FIL was hyper-critical of our house when he came to stay a few years ago. He has politely but firmly been directed to a hotel on every subsequent visit.

I am firmly of the view that if you come to my house, it's take it as it is or leave it.

The car boot sale thing could have been construed as constructive advice (not very well put) but the faces and charity-shop remarks about the clothes are inexcusably rude.

Dump her - there are enough lovely people in the world to be friends with; you don't need to put up with the ones who make a point of making you feel like shit.

endless · 12/05/2009 12:56

Sounds like my sister tbh.
Her explanation for bieng so rude is " a spade is a spade with me"

BUT ITS HURTFUL and its so unecisary as well.

they think that there is nothing wrong with bieng "honest" do they!

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 12/05/2009 13:01

People who love to boast about how 'honest' they are invariably mean 'I love being rude and I am a self-rightous twat with it.'
Have you ever noticed how NO-ONE ever says 'I'm gong to be honest/I'm a very honest person' and then says anything remotely nice?

queenrollo · 12/05/2009 13:07

does she have other friends?

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 12/05/2009 13:08

I've come across people like this in the past.

My line is: 'that came across as really rude, did you mean to be?

It stumps them every time!

Niftyblue · 12/05/2009 13:26

I bet she can give it out in bucket fulls but if anything like half a bad was said to her.
She would be gutted then

Original poster
mampam · 12/05/2009 13:36

Yes she does have other friends but I don't know if she does or says the same things to them.

OP posts:
poshsinglemum · 12/05/2009 15:37

I would dump her. She clearly isn't making you happy. She just wants to mnassage her own ego by putting you down.

Original poster
mampam · 13/05/2009 16:26

I don't want to break our friendship but I certainly need to change some of the dynamics. I'm not going to pop around to her house for coffee, just see her on social occasions in a group etc, and I certainly won't be inviting her or her ds's around to my dc's birthday teas or passing my ds's clothes on to her ds!!
Minimal contact is probably what is needed here.

OP posts:
screamingabdab · 13/05/2009 16:39

She sounds thoughtless rather than deliberately critical of you, with the exception of the clothes thing, which was just bloody rude

I think I'd find her annoying enough, regardless of the cause, to reduce contact.