Practical advice on seperating please

[Celery]

Okay, I've read many threads about staying in a relationship for the sake of the children, or not, as the case may be. I just don't think I can. Well, maybe I can for the forseeable future, but certainly not long term. Bit of history - I'm 34, we've been together for 14 years and have three children. I haven't worked for the past nine years. We are reasonably well off, but it is all his or his family's. If we seperated, I would have nothing. He's a good man, but there is no love there anymore and I feel trapped, suffocated, lonely. The relationship has no future, other than friendship ( I would hope ) and co-parenting. I haven't told him this, but he is very aware that I am unhappy. I don't think he can change, he has Aspergers, and even if he did, it would not be enough for me, I know that. What I'm really asking for is some practical advice. I have no job, no relevant qualifications, no family. We are reasonably well off, but not enough to afford two separete houses etc. I am clueless about where I go from here. Once I've told him I would like to separate, what happens next? I would like to work, to be independant from him, to have my own house. to share the childcare. Where do I start? I'm thinking ahead, I imagine I shall pootle along here for the next year or two, until our youngest is at school, but plans could be made, some preparation done. Where do I start ( aside from discussing this my husband obviously )?

If you plan to stay for a year or two anyway, I would consider gaining some qualifications or work experience. This way you have a better chance of finding a job when you leave.

Could you work towards a co-parenting type of situation staying in the family home at least for the time being? This would allow both of you to get used to a changing situation without making any drastic moves. For instance, first step talking about the issues and trying to come to a mutually agreeable resolution, maybe with the help of a third party. Next step making domestic arrangements to enable you to have separate bedrooms if possible. This way you are not under financial pressure. Then you can begin to think about retraining/getting a job. Once you are on your feet again in terms of training/work then you can both consider what type of living arrangments to make. Best to keep the lawyers away for as long as possible! As you have children, you are both going to be a part of each other's lives for a long time whether you like it or not, so it's a question of defining the terms. Sorry, maybe not very practical suggestions. I guess if you were to go up the divorce route you would get a reasonable settlement, given that you have young children and have not worked. Maybe a chat at CAB?

Thank you, actually your advice is very helpful. Ideally, this is how I would like things to happen. To come to an amicable agreement that we'll continue to live in the same house for the time being, parent the children together, but not "be together" any more, whilst working towards living seperately. This would take all the pressure off, the guilty feelings of a failing relationship, the feeling of being utterly trapped. It would be ideal, for me, because I don't dislike him, but I just can't imagine living like this for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, I think I may break his heart, and hurt him, and I'm not sure whether he could handle that situation. Maybe I'm underestimating him though, he might suprise me. Neither of us are happy at the moment. We are sleeping seperately already, by the way.

Has anyone else done this? Separated amicably but stayed living under the same roof?

We started off along a similar route - living together amicably for the children's sake. Four months on, the relationship is even more over than it was before. We are not 'friends', we don't spend any time together or do anything for each other, except that I still do the supermarket shopping. We have two children and our only conversations are about who is going out and when so we know they will be cared for.

He said last year that he could live like this for ever, but I'm 41 and don't want to waste my life like this. Now I think he sees what I do - that it's no sort of life for either of us.

Financially I'm in a much stronger position than you and I work full time. To be honest, I think that deep down I didn't act on my feelings sooner because I didn't feel that I had any alternative. My salary has increased greatly in the last five years and that has given me options I didn't have before.