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Original poster

Should DP allow 18 year-old son's GF to move in?

14 replies

sparkybint · 11/05/2009 13:26

I've posted before about this and would welcome advice on a new development. My 53 year-old DP lives with his 18 year-old son and the boy has requested that his 17 year-old GF moves in with him and DP has agreed. They're both students with part-time jobs. DP works away all week and his son treats the place like a hotel - never doing any clearing up despite repeated requests from his dad. DP gets home on a Friday night to a scene of utter devastation and I shudder to think what state the house will be in if the GF moves in too - she's VERY dirty and the house will become a complete health hazard.

Currently DP and I only visit eachother because we live 4 hours apart - so I see him for 1-2 nights every other weekend. Recently I'm the one who's been doing the lion's share of the travelling though because DP is stony broke and working on Saturdays. I just don't fancy the thought of spending my precious time with him in his home if it's going to be used like a hostel and think I might have to accept that DP just comes to mine or we meet halfway and stay at a B&B. I have a DD of 9 who's usually at her dad's when he comes to visit and we can really spend quality time together.

My feeling is that the son and his GF should go and rent a room locally if they want to be "independent". It would only cost them around £35 per week each and might be a good thing for them too, teaching them the value of money etc. DP and I are planning a life together, once the son is more independent, and the hope is that he'll come and live with me. I know DP, as a divorced dad, has all sorts of guilt issues about whether he's done the best for his kids (he also has a DD of 21 who's away at uni and very happy)but I think "enabling" his son in this way might not be the best thing for him either.

OP posts:

unavailable · 11/05/2009 13:42

Given that you dont live together and your boyfriend has agreed to the arrangement, I dont see how its your business really.

Original poster

sparkybint · 11/05/2009 13:51

Maybe you're right, it isn't my business but I don't want to drive for 4 hours to stay in a pigsty with DP moaning about how his son takes the p...! And I'm sure DP wouldn't be at all happy about me not wanting to visit him - I'm not trying to blackmail him and may well say nothing but he'll know by my actions how I feel.

OP posts:

coppertop · 11/05/2009 13:53

I think this is one of those times when you have to let your dp do what he thinks is best for his son, just as you do what you think is best for your dd.

If it all goes horribly wrong then at least your dp will know that he gave it a try. You yourself still describe your dp's son as a "boy" yet think he should be moving out already.

Are you worried that this will delay your dp's move to your house?

Original poster

sparkybint · 11/05/2009 14:07

Would be quite happy for his son to live there on his own with his dad - it's the thought of his GF being there as well that I don't think I can deal with.

OP posts:

unavailable · 11/05/2009 14:11

I was trying to be succinct, but see my post came over as rather abrupt - sorry about that.

I think it could be a minefield if you address the issue with your partner as you have done here. After all, if you are together longterm you will be seeing a fair bit of his sons in the future too.

I do think it would be reasonable to voice your worries about the state of the place when you come to visit, but it has to be up to your dp to sort it out.

Original poster

sparkybint · 11/05/2009 14:25

Don't worry unavailable - wasn't offended! Maybe I worded my post badly; I'm very happy to see his son and we actually have a good relationship and of course he's going to be part of our lives. I just think that he's too young to have his GF move in which is a big responsibility and not to be undertaken lightly. Voicing my worries about the state of the place won't help either - it will just make DP feel more pressurised and he'll probably crumble under the stress.

OP posts:

coppertop · 11/05/2009 14:29

Good luck with it all, SB. It sounds like you're in a tricky situation.

2rebecca · 11/05/2009 14:45

If I were you I wouldn't want to spend weekends with a man and teenage couple. Some parents seem happy to let their teenage kids stay with them for ages and have girlfriends stay. I feel if you're independant enough to want to live with another adult you should move away from the parental house.
I would say to your bloke "I won't be staying with you if son and girlfriend are going to be lodgers so suggest you come to my place or we go to a b&b."
I don't think saying this unreasonable. He can still indulge his son if he wishes, but realises that it will change where he meets you.

Tortington · 11/05/2009 14:48

if your dp gave a shit - that place would be sparkling in readyness for some fanny action

i certainly wouldnt be putting out unless he has put some effort in

flowerybeanbag · 11/05/2009 14:49

If the plan is for DP to move in with you 'once his son is more independent', it sounds as though maybe you are concerned that allowing his GF to move in will give the son no reason to become more independent, meaning that it will be ages before DP feels he can move in with you.

If that's the case I'd say talk to your DP about your concerns. It's up to him obviously, but his son's GF moving in (presumably) indefinitely does mean the chances of him being independent anytime soon are slim, maybe your DP hasn't considered the wider impact of his decision?

BedofRosesItAintII · 11/05/2009 15:15

at custardo's remark

Original poster

sparkybint · 11/05/2009 15:38

Glad you lot don't think I'm out of order! That's how I feel 2becs - if he wants to live with another adult, he should set up home himself with her. My heart sinks right down to my boots when I turn up at DPs after 4 hours solid on the Mway and find his tiny house full of unemptied bin bags and have to clean the basin before I use it.

From now on it's going to be my place or somewhere neutral, which is a shame because it's going to mean we'll see less of eachother (probably just once a month) but I'd rather that than spend a weekend feeling uncomfortable and pissed off.

ps custardo, he does try to make an effort to tidy up for me - but his son always undoes everything he manages to do!

OP posts:

jesuswhatnext · 11/05/2009 17:31

i would say that they are all adults with money coming in, why not all chip in for a cleaner every friday - clean house, no rows, plenty of 'fanny action' everyone happy!

2rebecca · 11/05/2009 18:28

Even if the house is clean though I'm not sure I'd want to spend the weekend with a teenager and his live in girlfriend if bloke is at work on the Saturday. I'd be inclined to pay for a b&b half way down on the weekends where you would normally go to his place, or pay for his petrol as you said he was skint. Going to a house with a teenage lovenest is completely different to going to your lovers for the weekend. If it was just teenage kids on their own they'd be out most of the time, or in bed sleeping.

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