DH announced this morning he doesn't think I am coping!

[domesticallychallenged]

He is going away for 4 days next week and asked me this morning if I was going to ask either my mum or his mum over to help (we've 3 children, 6, 3 & 13 weeks) - I said I didn't think I needed any help as I would be able to cope. He then replied "oh but you're so not coping, I work my arse off when I get in from work!"

I was a bit speechless! He does help out, he is a hands on dad but I had no idea he felt caring for his children was "working his arse off"

Our house is far from a show house, it is lived in but clean, reasonably clutter free. I cook meals every night for the children and DH and I.

I tend to put the children in the bath, he comes home from work and will finish the bath while I sort out the baby. DS is going through a daddy stage at the moment so he tends to do his bedtime while I sit downstairs with DD1 listen to her read while I breast feed DD2. I do bedtime with DD1 and DD2 and then come back down and do supper for DH and I.

In the morning he gets up first while I breastfeed DD2 in bed. When I come down he's normally made coffee, got bowls out for the older children and fed the cat.

Not quite seeing where the "working my arse off" is tbh! Or am I being unreasonable. We have 3 children I think he should expect to do somethings with his children when he gets home from work shouldn't he? Feeling really about his whole attitude!

Thanks Supercherry. I do have a sling but he is too heavy now and my back is a little screwed from carrying him. You are right. I said to DH that he wasn't allowed to criticse me if he wasn't helping. He accepted this. I just fel he is critiing everything I am doing. i wonder if in fact it is me having a self esteem crisis rather than anythign else. thanks for your support.

How did your chat go last night?

Sorry he sounds like a twat - when is looking after your children/spending time with them a chore/helping you/ working his arse off!!
My XH was/is exactly the same so my tolerance for this appaling attitude is ZERO !
FWIW offer him my life for a week or 2 - I am a single working parent to 2 children - I have a demanding job and often work a 10 hour day, then walk in the door and start my other job of mum and housekeeper, I am lucky if I get to take my work shoes off before 9 - and then maybe a sit down for half hour and sort our paperwork and work stuff!!

I assume he chose to have these children with you, then surely your attitude of teamwork and helping each other is correct and his is severely warped!!
Attitudes like this breed resentment and discontent, because now you will be trying to prove to him how much you do, how you are coping, and he clearly thinks he is doing too much!
Like I said a twat - show him this thread!

I wish I'd seen this yesterday.

We also have 3 DCs, and my DH has always helped with bath and bedtime - when we had one, when we had two and now we have the three.

I would expect nothing less, especially when you are breastfeeding.

I suppose I would ask him to explain what he meant by "you are not coping." Ask him to clarify whether he is really saying that he thinks you should be breastfeeding a baby and reading two stories simultaneously? And what sort of contact he thinks he ought to be having with his children during the week -if he is only present in the house (during their waking hours) when they are just up and needing breakfast, or in the bath and on the way to bed, it is surely only to be expected that his engagement with them is connected to what they are doing - ie helping. Or does he think you should be doing all those things while he sits and watches? Presumably he does.

That's aggressive of me, but I think he is a selfish twat.

"Sorry to put so much "work" on you darling. I'm afraid I paid you the compliment of thinking you were a good father."

Katy, if the baby feels to heavy in your sling and is hurting you, you just need a better sling, its not that he's too big. I carry my DS2 at 22 months in my sling because it is properly made to support him.
You might want to look at getting a better one, they really are invaluable when you have 2 close together.

This is how you work out if the division of domestic work and childcare is fair or not when one of you is the SAHP: how much free time does each of you get per week? It should be about the same. If it's only the WOHP who gets leisure time then there's a problem, because the WOHP has decided that /she is the other partner's boss/owner and that being waged means that s/he takes priority in the relationship.

This is a difficult one, on one hand he might genuinely think it would be a good idea for a mum to come and help just because 2 pairs of hands are better than one and he has just phrased it very very badly.

On the other hand he might just be an arse who thinks doing a bath and putting HIS children to bed is hard work. Some WOHP seem to think their working day consists of 9-5 and they should just relax outside those hours and don't seem to appreciate that the SAHP is working from the minute they get up until after the dinner things are washed and put away if young children are involved.