Those of you with new partners who are not the bio parents of your children - how do you deal with them parenting your children?

[spicemonster]

I'm a single parent and it suddenly dawned on me today (doh) that were I to hook up with a man in the future and we move in together and all that jazz, he would to all intents and purposes be a sort of dad to my DS. The idea of someone else sharing decision making seems a bit odd and I can imagine myself shouting in times of stress 'well he's my son!' which is probably not a very helpful way to behave

So if you've been there, was it hard? Did it get better? Any tips?

HI sp, yes i have been there and it is very very hard indeed. I have 2 ds from previous marriage and ds with current partner and most of our arguements are over my 2 ds as i am so protective of them. On one hand i want him to be involved as much as possible but if he says anything that i think is out of line i blow up and we have major major arguements. I feel that they are mine ds and no one will ever speak down to them. It is so hard to get a balance.
When our ds came along again so so hard as obviously there is gonna be a difference and he told me that he would never the same for my 2 ds as he would his own ds and i told him that i would rather live alone and raise my boys as equals than have anyone make a difference between them. I dont know if that is just me and my defences i put up but i wont let anyone speak to my dc in a certain way even when i know they are probably in the wrong it is so hard to sit there and let someone tell your dc off when they arent his!but again if he was telling our ds off i probably would still have a problem with that. I think he is too strict and i dont think i let my dc away with much. They are well mannered children and thats just it they are children! i think he forgets that sometimes but he himself didnt have that good of an upbringing so maybe that explains.

Tough one, im probably quite lucky as DP has much more patience than I do at parenting and he tells me off if he thinks im being a bit too strict .
At the same time, it was incredibly difficult at the start to watch someone discipline ds and it caused a few arguements (you get very protective, even if they are being really naughty).
Its ok now though a few years down the line, you need to be really able to trust that your dp has your childs best interests at heart, I was always reading the horror stories (and still do) of all these women who let their boyfriends batter/neglect their children to death. It made me hugely paranoid about meeting anyone and certainly caused me to overreact, I was always looking to see if the discipline looked like it was escalating etc, tried to catch him out, like I said hugely paranoid, but i'd rather that than be the next headline.
I think its all about trust, but it took me a really long time to trust someone else with my ds.
Bit of a ramble, but you get the picture

My brother is going through this at the moment with his new wife. He has children from a previous marriage (neice who is just 13 and nephew who is just 8). His new wife does not have any children. She is really lovely by the way.

Her and my neice don't really hit it off although she does have a great relationship with my nephew.

The children live with their mum but my brother has them alternate weekends and quite often for a couple of nights during the week.

My neice wants her own key, but new SIL says no as she says she does not want neice and all her mates doing whatever in their house - she thinks neice is immature for her age. So my brother is torn between his own daughter and his new wife.

My mother has told my brother that his children come first over his new wife and if neice wants a key then she should have one. By the way she does not have a key to her own home.

I haven't been in this situation myself, but would think it takes time to adjust and strike a perfect balance.