Think he's going to propose ... I don't want to get married. What do I do?

[HungerBunger]

Been with my partner 6 months. We're considering moving in together sometime in the next couple of months.

Anyway I was chatting to his daughter (11) whilst he was out yesterday and she said "what would you say if he asked you to marry him next weekend?"

We are due to go out next weekend. It is my birthday, he is taking me out for a meal ... he has been really nervous lately and asking about my future plans ... suddenly it all made sense. I quickly told myself she was just asking a general question and meant nothing by it so just replied "oh, I have no idea!" and laughed.

She then said "but you'd have to say yes because he's already bought you a ring" I looked at her and she stuttered a bit before correcting herself "I mean, if he had already bought a ring ... he hasn't, but if he did ... I mean ... if he was going to ask you and he'd already bought a ring ... what then?" and she went bright red and looked nervously towards the front door to make sure her dad wasn't home.

It was obvious she'd put her foot in it. I tried to change the subject and she said "you would say yes though, wouldn't you? I mean, if he'd bought you the kind of ring you like, white gold for instance, you would say yes then, wouldn't you?"

shit shit shit ... no I wouldn't, I don't want to get married.

How do I handle this? I could never just say no if he proposed publically ... do I say "yes" for public benefit and never truely mean it or do I bring it up before hand and run the risk of hurting him before we even go out? Or indeed run the risk of looking stupid if his daughter was merely wondering "what if"??

why dont you feel you want to marry him?

I would bring it up before hand if it was me... but it isnt no one has ever asked me

IO'd say to him, before next weekend in general conversation

"Oooh I got an email from an old friend from school yesterday, shes getting married, I couldn't be bothered with all that could you? Too much fuss, rather just stay in a good happy relationship rather than getting married, don't see the point'

Or something similar ??

6 months is nothing you both have commitments aside from each other that any decision you made that affected them would have to be carefully considered.

I don't believe in marriage. I think if two people are committed enough, they shouldn't need 'legalities and paper' binding them together iyswim?

Plus, I've never known a marriage that hasn't ended in divorce!

Disenchanted, I was thinking along those lines too ... I'm just dreading seeing his face if he really has bought a ring etc because I know he would have skinted himself to do it

Or say a above but

'shes only been with him a year too! Can't imagine making such a huge commitment so soon in a relationship....'

agree drop huge don't ask me to marry you hints during the next week.

good luck

Did you answer his daughter?

you're gonna have to bring it up in conversation - My now DH got a bit (how to put it?) proposey a few years ago - puppy eyes at me etc during other peoples weddings etc - I had recently lost my father and at that time couldn't yet bear the thought of getting married without him there. I regularly brought up the topic of weddings to remind him of how I felt about it - eg "X was going on about her wedding to me again today! I wish she wouldn't be so insensitive, she knows I hate the wedding topic because of my dad!" - just constantly reminded him how I felt by talking about other people's engagements

and one time he stopped in a spot that's special to us and got all soppy and took my hands in his etc! I'm pretty sure he was about to ask - I quickly tried to spoil the moment so I blurted out "ew, look! is that tramp having a W**k?" - it worked! I didnt want to have him ask and have to say "no"

Do you just never want to be married? Or is it that you don't want to marry him?

"ew, look! is that tramp having a W**k?" grin

well I had to do something fast!

@ sals diversion tactics!!

Do you want to make future plans with him and just leave out the marriage part?

If thats the case I would get that straight to the point iyswim and tell him this

omg just read the bit about the ring, he sounds really keen

I would use the fact you're moving in together to start a conversation about commitment. Perhaps you could say you're glad you're planning to move in together because that's when people really find out how well they get on, and can then, in the fullness of time, decide whether to get married.

Speaking as someone who's DP thinks exactly like you, and as someone who doesn't, perhaps you should tell him you don't believe in the institution of marriage or work out if you would bend your views if it was that important to him.

Marriage might be very important to him because of his daughter, maybe he wants her to feel more secure?

Have only read the OP as kids want their food but I think you really need to talk to your boyfriend before next weekend. Tis only fair if you know you don't want to get married.

No to marriage full stop - or to marrying him? That needs to be answered I think.

I agree with bringing up the subject in a why bother kind of way to put him off. Awkward one though.

I would be mildly irritated by the fact that he had told the daughter of his plans before you tbh. If you wanted to be a bit more direct you could say that the DD had said something about you getting married and you could also then say that you are against it.

I never used to believe in marriage, watched my own parents hell of a divorce, went thru hellish relationship break ups myself and watched friends etc going thru really crappy times. If you don't wanna marry the guy then fine, it is up to you and only you know your heart and you should tell him before he puts himself on the line....I am married now, can hardly still believe it TBH but its fab and great and I take back all the stuff I said in my past that was against marriage etc. It was right for me to think like that back then, but I changed my views rather than risk losing the fab person that is now my husband. Times change, people change and we have to be flexible and not rigid in our ways otherwise we could let good things pass us by.

Dunno what I am trying to say really....I guess if your only reason for not getting married is other people around you and how their relationships have formed your opinions and you otherwise truly love him, can't imagine being without him etc, then maybe it is time for a rethink?

Do you see your future with him? Do you want to be with him but just not married? And if so, is he likely to be happy with that? You don't need to be married to be happy as a couple but he has to be ok with that too for it to work.

Do talk to him before he puts himself on the line though with the big proposal, it wouldn't be fair to knowingly let him do that, knowing yourself in advance that you are going to say no.

I think you have to drop loads of marriage-is-not-my-cup-of-tea hints during the week.

If he's planning to do it at a restaurant, unfortunately that limits the potential to re-use the immortal line "ew, is that tramp having a wank?" line. Unless the restaurant is a 24-hour McDonalds at a railway station.

you can spoil a moment anywhere

in a restaurant you could go on about a funny smell, keep running to the loo claiming a funny tummy, point out a random at another table and say he was a conquest of yours and hide behind a menu / your hand for the rest of the meal. Say you just saw your ex go past the window, then say he is now married - then do the anti-marriage speech, Say your ex used to take you to same restaurant.........