How much internet porn is too much? Or AIBU to have a problem with this at all?

[AnnasBananas]

DH does look at online porn from time to time but I would say in the last month or so he is doing it more and more frequently.

We seem to have fallen into a pattern where I go to bed at 10pm and he comes to bed much later, often after midnight or 1am and the next morning I can see that you porn is the first thing in the google search box. He's obviously not trying to hide this from me.

I don't have a massive problem with porn, really. I'd rather he didn't look at it but then I understand it's something he appreciates (if that's the right word) and I certainly don't presume to control his thoughts when I'm not around (ie in bed)

However last week after I had seen the you porn in the google box the next day the google history was completely blank. All gone completely so I assume he has clicked on 'clear history'. I asked him that night 'did you delete the Google history?' he said 'no' then a few minutes later 'perhaps the google history clears after a period of time'. I'm no IT geek but I don't think this is the case...does anyone know?? I don't think so because just the ther week I was looking through the history trying to find a word I had misspelt and I found it right down the bottom, I scrolled down for ages and there was so much stuff still on there.

Last night DH came to bed at 12.45am after I went to bed at 12.30 he said he would be up soon. This morning true to form you porn was the first thing in the google box and red tube in the browser drop down. No surprise it's some european porn site.

I asked him today why was he so late to bed? He said he was watching a war film but made no comment about the porn sites. I didn't ask him outright.

Now I don't know what to do. Why did he clear the google history last week (assuming he did) but not last night??

It just makes me feel uneasy. Anyone else's DH like this?

Do I worry he's deleting the history or worrying he's not?

Sorry that should have read 'after I went to bed at 10.30'

What sort of porn is it? Are things ok in the bedroom? Is he stressed in work?

Why can't you just talk to him? Tell him what you've noticed and actually discuss it?

I'd ask him directly. But personally I'm not that comfortable with internet porn as even the nasty stuff is just a click away.

I would wonder if he had looked at a different sort of port on the night he deleted.

I think the only thing you can do is talk to him

when it becomes a secret, something to hjide, lies etc etc - its when it becomes like acid eroding away - so i would just hav4e it out -

i think what youhave to figure out for yoursel is what is bothering you
is it everything
is it the porn
is it the lies
the deceipt
is he still up for sex
does he want to do some bizarre schniz that he watched online
are you comparing yourself
do you miss him at bedtime?
does the watching of the pron - in itself upset you or not?

i think we have a pretty healthy reaction to porn in this house

its not secret, he doesn't have to hide it or lie about it and neither do i if i want to watch it. he doesn't ask me to do any freaky shit - we knoweach others limits.

its not secret, seedy or dirty - there are no lies or deciept about it.

what youneed is an honest conversation about it

I am on the have a chat with him camp. not a I need to sit you down to talk type chat.. but a bring it up chat.

IMO if he's not doing anything dodgey and it's not affecting your relationship.. than I don't see looking at porn as an issue.

If however it is affecting the relationship.. then a good chat is needed. I supposed going to bed at very different times, might be an issue, for some it is for some it isn't... only you can answer that.

If your relationship is good and he's just having a nosey about and a bit o window shopping I wouldn't worry too much.

with regard to clearing history, he may have had a nosey at a link ( like we do on here ) and decided it's best not left on the history.. I certainly know I've done it from some links ( usually a friday night) on here. Just so the dc's don't come across them.

I have no problem with Dh looking at porn, but he always clears the history so the Dd's dont stumble across it.

I would have a chat and ask him what he watches, and maybe have a look yourself, you will probably find it will bore you to tears

I have asked him about it, but in the context of 'did you look at this' and 'did you clear the history' he said he looked at you porn but not red tube as this was a link he clicked on. He said he didn't delete the google history, well who knows, really?

Our sex life is so-so, below average really. At times it's quite good but we've had almost three months of coughs/colds both us and the DC's so there hasn't been a lot of action. I suffer from low libido, too, and body ishoos like post-baby body and stretchmarks etc...

I know we need to have more discussion about our sex life generally and how to improve it but I am just hopeless when it comes to talking about it. I find it really hard to open up about sex.

Just re-read that and it sounds like I was reading him the riot act. I didn't ask him like I was interrogating him, but I did ask those specific questions.

Custardo

It's not the porn it's the (possible) lies
He's not asking for any freaky shit
The porn is just 'normal' stuff, I think some of it is amateur ie home movies

I am comparing myself and come up lacking, in the figure/fanjo/brazilian wax department

I dunno Annas, reading your responses I think you do have a problem with porn, myself - maybe you just feel that you shouldn't have a problem with it?

If you don't have a problem with it, why would you be checking the history, worrying about your stretch marks and so on?

Try this on for size: you do have a problem with him looking at porn. You feel belittled by him wanking over plasticised approximations of women, and you are dismayed by the effect it's having on your emotional and sexual intimacy.

Maybe if you admit this to yourself, it will be clearer to you what you want to do about it?

Of course I could be talking out of my chuff, in which case feel free to ignore.

Every now and then is prob ok - but if it's become more frequent than usual (and that you are 'comfortable' with, if that's the right word) is a little worrying. Do you think the fact that he's not deleting the history suggests he is trying to tell you something?

I don't have a problem with porn at all but if my husband was sitting there watching it and having a wank while I was upstairs in bed and up for it I would not be happy.

Maybe he just has a higher sex drive than you and thats his way of release. In the end DH would rather have sex with me than watch porn which is the important thing. But then I am up for it most of the time that he is and we have sex 4 or 5 times a week. If I was not in the mood and he said do you mind if I watch porn and do the business then I wouldn't mind. The sneaking around is probably just embarassment so needs to be brought out in the open in my opinion. You need to ask is he happy with your sex life?

He definitely does have a higher sex drive than me, that's been the case for a few years. Since having the DC's I think. I think we've had less sex for the usual reasons when you have a young family.

tricky.

you can't really tell him what he can or can't do so i would have a separate conversation with him, explaining how your self esteem is quite low at the moment and you'd like to think of ways that you can boost it together...

maybe lovely lingerie? you could window shop together and then he could 'surprise you'. makes you feel great (maybe a corset number for flabby bits) and he gets to enjoy it. or you could experiment with a camera?

not trying to make you a perv, just trying to suggest you work together to make you feel good.

Oh yes, talk about it.

Maybe it is hard to talk about these things at first or if you (or he) feels embarrassed. However, if you can turn it around into a normal subject instead of 'the unspoken', I think you will find your relationship will benefit from the openness of being able to talk freely without shame/embarrassment/accused. Have a glass of wine for bravado or think about a subject you can start talking about that will lead you onto what you really want to talk about.

It is good that he is not doing too much to hide it, that is a good sign!! Although, the regular staying up late whilst you go to bed earlier is probably more to the crux of the matter IMO. Don't let your relationship fall by the wayside here, look on it as a chance to have a embarrassing chat about the whole relationship, sex, porn, how you feel about your body post baby etc etc. I see it as a chance for you to be able to sort out everything that's on your mind.

Good luck!

HolyGuac, thanks for your post there is lots of good advice there.

Yes, self-esteem has taken a dive. Now being mid-thirties and realising that youth is no longer on my side. I think the ageing and post-baby body have really affected me. But I have to find some way to live with it and be happy as I am not getting any younger.

I think our sex life now actually needs some effort/work/commitment to improve it whereas before the DC came along we trundled along nicely. I know if I/we made more effort I think the late night porn watching would diminish...but it's the getting over my own issues to make that happen I think.

I don't want him to feel he has to hide the porn. (DC's are too young to go on the PC so no risk of them seeing anything). DH is very honest and if I ask him outright I am sure he will give me an honest answer. He is not devious by nature.

Lingerie good suggestion, I think.

As a man he probably 'needs' to shag every day. Sounds like you don't want it anything like that often. It's very easy to get into wanking off every day if he's not getting any sex.

Porn is always there, never says no.

Solution? Start getting into nightly sex, make sure you sleep together.