have been holding off talking about it...nows the time maybe

[tohellandback]

Hi there, not really sure about where to begin, but wondered if anyone out there has any advice. My has left me and i should in theory be over the worst but actually i dont think i am.
In short this is what happened:
Fell headover heals in love with whom i thought was the love of my life. He made me feel like the best thing on earth and friends have said that they were jelous/envious of the relationship we had. We got married, i was 32 and it was the best day of my life. We tried for a child and had 4 attempts at IVF and yes it was traumatic but we had each other and that was fine. I fell pregnant with my DD and suffered with PND. She was a very lively baby who did not sleep at all and to a point still does not now. I found out I was pregnant again when she was 5 months old, , it was a shock for both of us. I did not know how to feel, i was feeling guilty because i was not enjoying motherhood. It was then that my DH told me he'did not feel the same way about me anymore'. He left me emotionally that night and literally turned his back. I lost the baby and ended up having an emergency c section as the hosp. f-up. I had an emergency c section with my DD and so two in 5 months was a little hard to cope with. He keeps on telling me that it is not my fault, that i have not changed.He moved out exactly a year ago but did so because he needed time to think. Well i gave him all the time, and he told me in August that it was over. He is still around all the time... I just dont know what to do. He has got what he wants, i have not had the strength to make any demands on him at all and so anytime he wants to come over, he only has to ask. What do i do? It was only 2 weeks ago that i took off my wedding rings. I cant get over the fact that he has left, he says it is about me and not our DD. What my rights are i dont know. There is more but i cant write it all. It has been a nightmare. some of my friends still are not aware that this has happened.
He has my daughter for a day during the week while i am at work and is over every sunday, he stays over, in the spare room, every Monday to help do a night shift. It is obvious that it is over but what do i do in terms of my DD. I did not choose to leave and do not want to hand my daughter over to him every other weekend. I did not sign up to be a part time mum. I have told him, until my DD is able to tell me that she wants to stay over with him, she is not going to. He left when she was 5 months old FFS. Any advice,or sympathey is welcome

Lots of sympathy. What age is your DD now. I am allowing estranged H to have 3 year old DD to stay over - but she is totally happy about it. I wasnt happy at first but seeing she is happy I can cope. BUt I think younger than that I wouldnt have been happy.

You have beeen through a heck of a lot and really I think a lot of folk on here would recommend counselling - for your losss of your baby.You could ask your GP.

Keep posting and get the support you deserve

thanks mumfun1 My DD is 22 months. He left when she was 5 months and although along time has passed, we are still no where near coming to an agreement about access. DH does see her loads. I want to do what is right for her, but feel strongly that i dont want to hand her over. You did not say when your daughter stays with her father and for how long. My DH already has a day with her during the week and picks her up from nursery twice a week, he also sees her on a Sunday...all day, generally with me hanging around. How did you come to your arrangement?
It is weird when he is here he makes me feel worthless and crap, today a friend invited us for a picnic, he said he would go but added that he would like to spend the day with DD but not necessarily with me, but if i wanted to go with him i could. Friends were not impressed with this and so we did not go and instead spent another day at home. I just dont feel like i am living, just existing, if that makes sense and i so want what is best for my DD. Help!

Oh to hell and back. You are feeling shit because you have had an awful time. You needed to grieve and the person who should have helped you wasnt there. That wasnt your fault. The vows state very clearly in sickness and in health and HE breached that, not you.

He will always be your daughters dad and she needs him so you need to try and let him be there as much as possible, despite how hard it is although I am not sure him staying overnight is a great plan.

What support have you in your life. You need to tell your friends and let them be there for you. It sounds like tbh you havent really accepted any of this and you really need to have a damned good tearful breakdown and get it all out of your system. You have every right to be angry, to cry and to feel betrayed - you were. Life does go on but you need to accept this stage before you can. It does get easier lovey but let your friends and family help you through this.

Thanks prettyfly1. What knob, he is so bloody reasonable sometimes, i used to call DH Bobby Ewing cause he was always ready to step in and be SOOOO BLOOODDY REASONNNNABLE!
If he says,'I can understand why you feel like that...' to me one more time, i am gonna chop his f..king b@?#cks off, that is the least he deserves!
I recognise now that i am so angry with the complications that he has given me and my daughter, ie. Christmas, birthdays, holidays. He left and he still gets it all his way!