have been holding off talking about it...nows the time maybe

[tohellandback]

Hi there, not really sure about where to begin, but wondered if anyone out there has any advice. My has left me and i should in theory be over the worst but actually i dont think i am.
In short this is what happened:
Fell headover heals in love with whom i thought was the love of my life. He made me feel like the best thing on earth and friends have said that they were jelous/envious of the relationship we had. We got married, i was 32 and it was the best day of my life. We tried for a child and had 4 attempts at IVF and yes it was traumatic but we had each other and that was fine. I fell pregnant with my DD and suffered with PND. She was a very lively baby who did not sleep at all and to a point still does not now. I found out I was pregnant again when she was 5 months old, , it was a shock for both of us. I did not know how to feel, i was feeling guilty because i was not enjoying motherhood. It was then that my DH told me he'did not feel the same way about me anymore'. He left me emotionally that night and literally turned his back. I lost the baby and ended up having an emergency c section as the hosp. f-up. I had an emergency c section with my DD and so two in 5 months was a little hard to cope with. He keeps on telling me that it is not my fault, that i have not changed.He moved out exactly a year ago but did so because he needed time to think. Well i gave him all the time, and he told me in August that it was over. He is still around all the time... I just dont know what to do. He has got what he wants, i have not had the strength to make any demands on him at all and so anytime he wants to come over, he only has to ask. What do i do? It was only 2 weeks ago that i took off my wedding rings. I cant get over the fact that he has left, he says it is about me and not our DD. What my rights are i dont know. There is more but i cant write it all. It has been a nightmare. some of my friends still are not aware that this has happened.
He has my daughter for a day during the week while i am at work and is over every sunday, he stays over, in the spare room, every Monday to help do a night shift. It is obvious that it is over but what do i do in terms of my DD. I did not choose to leave and do not want to hand my daughter over to him every other weekend. I did not sign up to be a part time mum. I have told him, until my DD is able to tell me that she wants to stay over with him, she is not going to. He left when she was 5 months old FFS. Any advice,or sympathey is welcome

Aw babe no real advice sorry but you sound very strong & i hope you find happiness again soon xx

Oh & a trip to the CAB might serve you well as they will know exactly what you are entitled to.

tohellandback,

So sorry you are going through this.
Can't really offer any advice but am sending you lots of cyber ((((((Hugs)))))) and sympathy.
Is there anyone in rl who can offer you some support? you really shouldn't be going through this alone.

Thanks for the quick responses,bettyboo26, i do have family who are there but, like me, they don't know what to say. My parents are living in hope that he will come back, they think he is sick. My DH never gave anyone, least of all me, any idication that he was going to leave. If it is not me then it surely must be him and cant believe he wants to give up on his family for as far as i know, for nothing!

Could he be scared of the responsibility of being a father? You have been through so much together to have your dd.

Has he given you any reason for walking out?

Please tell your friends/family - It sounds like, in his mind anyway, that the marriage is over, so make sure people know and you will be surprised about the support you get.

I think the "not telling people" stems from being in the denial stage. You can't believe this is happening and by not talking about it you can believe everything will be ok again.

I think it would help you to move on a tiny bit if you talk about this situation to friends/family.

I know it is hard to see it now but one day you will look back and wonder why you have let this stage continue for so long.

Also, as pm73 says - get some advice. CAB are good and they should be able to tell you which solicitors in your area offer a free 30min consultation.

It doesn't hurt to be better armed with info.

Please take care of yourself and

It may do you good to take back some of the control.
You tell him when to come round to see DD at a time that suits you, he had to realise that he can't call the shots.
It was his decision to leave and until you take control, I think you'll be living in limbo.
Like others have said, knowledge is power.
Find out what your entitled to.
It may help you to feel more posative about the future.
I really feel for you, take good care of yourself.
Things will get easier but you must be kind to yourself thab.

Your right stirlingthestrong, i am in denial, i am also so embarrassed that he has done this. It feels that he has duped me and the friends that do know, feel that he has duped them too.
pm73, no he has not given me any reason at all for what he is doing, not one, he just says that it is difficult to put into words. He obviously can't do 'full time dad' but part time suits him down to the ground. He comes over, refreshed and raring to go, he is in contact everyday wanting to know how DD is and how did DD sleep, (she often wakes). Does he do this because it allows him to believe that he has not abandoned his daughter/family? to ease the guilt? Should i be allowing this? It is not acceptable that he can walk out and turn his back but still be able get what he wants! It is my fault i know. i need to be stronger and start making some demands myself. He keeps banging on about 'research shows that a child grows up balanced and stable if parents raise the child together!' except that actually means that i still am the main carer. Research also shows that most men do not walk out on their new born child and wife without an explanaiton ! Sorry, getting stroppy now, and i know that i am grieving for the life i wanted for my daughter and myself now and not totally about him. I just feel so cheated on so many different levels.

You should be stroppy! You should be bloody furious with him - he walked out on you when there was just beginning to be a light at the end of the tunnel. It seems to me reading this that you're not nearly angry enough - like bettyboo says, it really sounds like you're trying to pretend this isn't happening. And actually you need to face up to it, not only to get the support you need to but to be able to deal with it. You shouldn't feel embarrassed - what do you have to be embarrassed about?

As far as your DD is concerned, he is right that she probably won't suffer too much. I know that's probably really painful for you but you need to try and separate the way you feel about him from doing what's best for your DD. And I can't imagine how hard that must be.

I've not been through this but I am a single parent and it's really not that bad you know. There are lots of positives - read through the relationships thread every time you're feeling lonely!

Good if you are feeling angry - you should be!

You have nearly all the responsibility, especially at night-time.

He comes and goes when he wants and is living the single life so is getting the best of both worlds.

And he hasn't even given you a proper explanation for what he is putting you through.

Take some control back - you will feel better.

Thanks guys, feel a smidgen better than i did before.
Yes, i have to get angry with him, really want to feel indifferent.

What a dick - i really hope that at some point in his life he comes to regret what he has done.

Hi thab,
How are you today?

Hi there bettyboo26, feeling weird today, up and down like a bloody yo yo in fact. DH came around and to see DD. He does not make any demands to on me to take her for the day but does not make me feel comfortable being with them. Today i was asked to go on a picnic with some friends, but could't because of him being around. he said that he would like to go with DD alone but if i wanted to come then that was ok. As i am typing this, it sounds like he is being so resonable, but the underlying feeling of rejection and him putting up with my presence makes me feel ill... and so what we ended up doing was nothing! Nothing at all and i have been bored out of my mind. As i have said before, am not living just exhisting and i really, really want to live again! I wish that he would just leave all together as to avoid these horrible compications that he has caused and is causing and worse still continue causing in the future. I am not wrong for wanting to spend every christmas/birthday etc with my daughter am i? The future at the mo seems pretty grim!
there, ive said it, bettyboo26 i bet you wished you never asked! but thanks any ways

Oh thab, you sound so sad.
Things will get easier and your future will be bright. That I am sure of.
You are more than entitled to spend xmas/bdays with you DD and hopefully you and Dh will be able to sort this out together and amicably.
It does sound like DH is being 'reasonable' but I cannot imagine how it must feel to be left out.
I really feel like you need to take back some control from DH. He really shouldn't be able to walk in and out of yours and DD's life as he wishes.
He should have to suffer the concequence of his decision like you are having to.
I understand he is trying to be a good father but he has to step back to allow you to move on with your life.
Sending you big cyber ((((hugs)))) and know that you are much stronger than you realise.