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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know what to do

24 replies

chocolatestar · 09/05/2009 09:52

Posting here because I need to talk and as I was trying to think of someone I could talk to I realised that there was no one.

My DH and I have a pretty good relationship but sometimes I really hate the way he treats me. He speaks to me in an awful way sometimes and I hate it. I have told him this and he seems to hear me at the time but it doesn't change anything. This morning is a classic example of the sort of thing I mean.

Last night he promised me a lie in as I still get up through the night to feed DS which is really tiring. Seven this morning after I had feed DS I came through to hand him over and DH just ignored us. DS started to cry because he hates being put on the bed with his dad because he knows he won't get up. DH shouted at DS at which point I left saying he should be shouting at himself not DS. Two hours later and I am still really tired so I pop back up to see if he will get up and let me lie down for half an hour. He says I am already up and to just get a grip and what's my problem.

No doubt at some point he will be all sorry about it blah blah. The thing is I am so tired of being spoken to like that. Also I would never make a promise to do something and then just not only not do it but also speak to DH the way he speaks to me.

Right now I feel very low. I wish I had somewhere to go just for the afternoon but there is no one. I have no friends here and no one to go to just for a little while. I have tried talking to him about it and saying that his behaviour is disrespectful and makes me unhappy and he does hear it at the time but then when he is in a mood then he is just the same as before. I don't really know what to do next.

OP posts:

BBisfinallyPG · 09/05/2009 09:55

he is treating you with no respect, everyone deserves that, he needs a good talking to its his baby too!

Original poster

chocolatestar · 09/05/2009 09:58

That's how I feel - that it is a total lack of respect. It is not all of the time - sometimes he can be great but it's often enough for me to feel depressed about it. He can be a great dad too but he seems to think it is acceptable to choose when he wants to do things and when he doesn't.

I struggle with conflict and standing up for myself. I don't want DS to grow up thinking it is ok to treat people in this way. I've tried talking to him and if he is an a good mood he responds well, if he is in a bad mood he is nasty. Neither approach stops him doing this sort of thing again though.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 09/05/2009 10:03

is it like this just over things to do with your son? was he like this before the baby?

no local friends? have you just moved?

Original poster

chocolatestar · 09/05/2009 10:10

We moved a few years ago and I just haven't managed to make any friends. It's become worse since we had DS.

OP posts:

BBisfinallyPG · 09/05/2009 10:15

i think feeling friendless will probably make you feel worse, are there not any toddler groups you can attend? or social events where you could make some friends? having that real life support might give you more perspective on your partner, and what is acceptable with him and what isnt.

DP and I have an aggreement that we each get one lay-in a week,although i dont expect this to be adhered to rigorously, its there. he is constantly telling me that raising a child is a full-time job, so i do feel valued. i think you have the right to this too. disrespect is never acceptable, especially as you were not arguing, you had simply asked him to do something. he sounds akin to a petulant child.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 09/05/2009 10:18

SOrry but this is a major problem. He hasn't got any respect for you: in his eyes you are a 'woman' not a person, and you exist purely to service him domestically and for him to have sex on when he feels like it.
I bet he's always been 'lovely' when things are going his way and horrid when they are not. He clearly feels that he can make you vague promises to shut you up and then go back on them, because in his opinion you simply don't matter as much as he does.
YOu need to get firm with him and refuse to be treated like this.

Doodle2U · 09/05/2009 10:25

I agree with solidgold. As difficult as it is for you to stand up for your self, you do need to. You are EQUAL partners ALL of the time.

I know what I would do but I suspect your nature wouldn't allow you to go my route, so I'll let cleverer Mumsnetters advise but I hope you do find a way of making him wake up (s'cuse pun) and smell the coffee (that he will have brewed for you both!).

Original poster

chocolatestar · 09/05/2009 10:28

The thing is I really don't know how to do it. How do I get firm with him? If I argue it just gets nasty and I can't stand it. I feel like I don't know how to deal with it now.

OP posts:

Doodle2U · 09/05/2009 10:38

"If I argue it just gets nasty and I can't stand it."

And he knows this!

He knows you'll cave in at the first sign of aggro and instead of loving you for your beautiful, calm nature, he's using it to his own advantage.

Chocolate, you have to stand up for yourself. If you don't want to go down the shouty route, then you've got to be quick and clever with your words. You also need to set yourself and your DH some boundaries and then stick to them.

You must also SEE YOURSELF as an equal partner here.

Doodle2U · 09/05/2009 10:43

I'll add....if my DH and I had agreed to me having a lie-in (and please note, we would AGREE with each other and NOT my DH generously offering like he's doing me a big favour), and then my DH did what yours did this morning, here's what would have happened:-

I would have bitten his bloody head off, turfed him out of the bed, thrown the duvet down the stairs and let the baby pee in his underwear draw. OK, maybe not the last bit BUT my DH would have been up and doing a grand job of looking after the baby because to do otherwise wouldn't be worth his while.

Thing is, my DH does respect me because I respect myself. I have confidence in my self. I know who I am, what I am and I'm proud of where I've come from. It comes from within, Chocolate.

Original poster

chocolatestar · 09/05/2009 10:45

That makes a lot of sense. I cave in a lot when it comes to DS because I don't want him to be in the middle of a fight. My own parents argued all the time and I hated it. My self esteem is shit though and I need to do something about it.

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 09/05/2009 10:45

It is very difficult because he only does it because he get away with it. If he knew you wouldn't stand for it he wouldn't do it. But in order to not stand for it you have to make his life difficult back when he is horrible to you. This isn't a nice way to go on when you have a baby in the house.

Is there anyone you could go and stay with for a bit? I don't want to suggest that you walk away from the marriage or issue ultimatums that you don't intend to carry out but but it is a case of continuing this way or doing something to change it. He may not be a bad guy - just selfish and immature but he is not going to see the error of his ways without some serious prompting.

If you can't or won't continue this way (and why the hell should you?) you need to consider your options.

Original poster

chocolatestar · 09/05/2009 11:11

I am starting a new job on Monday otherwise I might have gone to my mum or dad but they live two hours away. He's up now, I was just trying to put DS down for a nap and he has taken over. I don't think he is a bad guy at all but he doesn't seem to understand how horrible his behaviour makes me feel. I think also a part of me has always been afraid that he will leave me, even though we've been married for seven years now. I always feel that he won't put up with me and so I don't rock the boat. I am hoping returning to work is going to help as being a SAHM - although I loved it - the whole money/power thing was an issue.

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 09/05/2009 11:21

Right , well let Monday be a new start then. You are working so he HAS TO do his share. If he opens his mouth to say something nasty jump on it immediately and tell him you WILL NOT be spoken to like that. Don't do anything for him until he apologises. Tell him when it comes to the weekend you will need to share the work or else what is he for?

Stop putting yourself down and stop being a doormat - you will teach your son that is how women are meant to be treated and before you know it he will be talking to you the same way.

You are nice and he is horrible - HE is the lucky one and the one who should worry about being left.

Original poster

chocolatestar · 09/05/2009 11:23

Thanks - I am going to get off here because he will be down in a bit - I will let you know how the rest of the day goes. I know I need to make changes for myself and for my son.

OP posts:

Original poster

chocolatestar · 09/05/2009 11:50

Well he is being nice but said that we need to start leaving DS to cry at night. So not the point.

OP posts:

PM73 · 09/05/2009 14:50

What does he mean by leaving your ds to cry at night?

How old is your ds?

mrsboogie · 09/05/2009 15:16

leave him to cry? what is that meant to achieve? louder crying for longer is what he'll get.

Original poster

chocolatestar · 09/05/2009 16:42

It means I won't be so tired and can get up in the morning no bother I guess. DS is 18 months.

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 09/05/2009 19:04

christ, that's so not helpful. Of course you'd be tired - you'd be kept awake listening to the crying. If I was you I would be very tempted to save up a few quid then bugger off for a weekend leaving him and junior to their own devices.

This might sound like a stupid question but does he understand why babies cry? It might be worth explaining that they have no other means of communication and that they have evolved through millions of years to be able to make a noise that is so annoying to their parents because it means the parents must look after them and can't forget to feed them or wander off and leave them, otherwise they wouldn't have survived in the past. The child isn't crying to wind him up or to disturb his sleep or piss him off. He is doing what he is designed to do. I don't mean to sound patronising but people (men) do sometimes not understand that.

prettyfly1 · 09/05/2009 19:50

For your sake choc - not his - why is the baby waking up in the night - is it every night or just sometimes - at eighteen months you should be able to get a fair run of unbroken sleep - they wake with teething, nightmares etc but they should also do an equal run of sleep throughs. Asking as worried about how you will cope when you get back to work if you are getting no sleep - perhaps some of the women on here will have better suggestions then "leave him to cry".

PS If my dp pulled that with me I would have peed in his drawer myself.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 09/05/2009 21:21

OK is your DS a crying-lots baby (some cry more than others)? Basically, is your DP being selfish and crabby because you have both had 18 months of broken sleep?
Or is this a matter of him wanting you to perform more housework/sex/stroking his ego than childcare?
You know your DP better than us internet sprites: going by the rest of his general behaviour, is he being ratty because he's stressed and tired or is he one of these men who thinks he is the important one in the family and you are there to meet his needs (and the baby is not really a person yet so matters less than the Man).

Original poster

chocolatestar · 10/05/2009 09:09

I've had 18 months of broken sleep - DS breast feeds in the night still which I admit is totally my fault because I haven't night weaned. I might do it in the summer holidays but I don't want to do it now when I am just about to return to full time work as I think that's too much disruption.

He was super nice all day yesterday until he got annoyed with me at the end of the day and then was horrible. I just want him to communicate better with me when he is in a bad mood. I would never speak to him the way he speaks to me and I don't think being tired/pissed off is a good enough reason to behave badly towards someone. He did say he knew he was in the wrong so at least that is something. He's from a different culture so there is an expectation of how a woman should behave and that I should do all the childcare etc. He's a hell of a lot better than others I know from his country who do bugger all - he is pretty hands on with DS. He did however say I should do the childcare because if we got divorced I would get to take DS which is the strangest argument I have ever heard!

I really want to sort this out because I love him and he is a great dad but I hate the way he speaks/treats me sometimes.

OP posts:

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 11/05/2009 23:02

OK if he has been surrounded by cultural expectations that the Man is the Important Person for most of his life, then it's going to be hard for him to let go of those assumptions entirely (after all, by keeping hold of them he gets to be the boss and the one for whose benefit the other members of the household exist: it's not surprising that people with privileged status don't want to give it up). However it sounds like he is making some effort to be a fair partner: keep reminding him that you are a person who is entitled to courtesy from him. Call him on every single incident of misogynistic rudeness and express appreciation of every nice thing he does... but keep a running total in your head of whether things are getting better or worse.

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