is it ok to be happy?

[debs05]

Firstly thanks for all the advice I received regarding my husbands affair. After a long and agonising year I have decided I can move on and stay with him. The trouble is, as I keep having flashbacks every time we are having a lovely time I get the feeling I shouldnt be happy and he doesnt deserve me and the kids. I have told him this and he says he knows he doesnt deserve us and he loves us and wants to make everything ok. We have always had such a laugh together and I know the affair was about him now - although at first I thought I was ugly/crap/etc.

So am I right to feel happy and is it ok to move on? By the way I am repeatingly telling him that just because we are together I will never forget and he shouldnt think he's got away with it.

Of course it is okay to be happy. I don't know your story but it must have taken a lot to stay with him and you need to say all that needs to be said and try and move on. Be a family and a couple again and take all the happiness you can.

Life is too short.

Maybe always saying things like that is stopping you from trying to move on properly and isn't actually making him feel anything?

IMO if you decide to move on and forgive an affair then that's exactly what you have to do. If you constantly bring it up in arguments then you will never make successful recovery of your relationship.

Deciding to forgive and forget means exactly that and it takes one hell of brave, strong a even tempered person to do it.

Close that chapter and never open it again.

Before this happened to me I didnt know anyone else who had been through it, its only reading posts on here thats opened my eyes up to how common it is. I really didnt think I could stay with anyone who had cheated. That has been the biggest hurdle for me.

I totally understand that. It is like going against what you always believed.

I would have been the same but now I have children I wouldn't necessarily go if my DH cheated. TBH we have been through worse things than an affair and he has stood by me through everything whereas he has never put a foot wrong.

It has ripped all our lives apart, just reading other threads I can feel the pain caused. Affairs are destructive. He has tried for a year to make things right and now I just need to relax and be happy. We have been out for lunch today without the kids and we had such a lovely time.

debs05

Can you both go to Relate?. Think this is too big an issue for both of you to try and work through without some outside support of their nature.

If he won't go then you should go on your own. Both of you will need to put a lot of hard emotional work in if this marriage is to continue. He likely does not want to talk about it any more but you do (a common problem seen post affairs). I can see that you're willing to work on this but is he really up to the task?. Is he fully open to telling you the real reasons for how the affair came about?. Only time will tell and he may well let you down. What will you do then?.

Am I correct in recalling that this is not his first affair either?.

Also what are you both teaching your children about relationships?. They are learning from both of you.

Debs, I am so pleased for you that you have come to a decision. It sounds like the right one for you. I want you to know that I completely endorse those flashback feelings (I am 8 months on from discovery of my DH's affair). There are occasions now when I find myself feeling happy again. I catch my breath and get flashbacks and have wondered whether I will ever feel pure, uncomplicated happiness ever again.

But just recently, I have thought that those feelings will come one day, when it is long behind us and I have to say, I am feeling better now. My DH has gone to enormous lengths to fight for our marriage and I can honestly say I feel more cherished and valued than at any time in our marriage. He is still sad that he nearly lost us and he certainly hasn't forgiven himself yet. I haven't forgiven him yet either and I know also that this will take time. Moving on and making a go of things is, I think, different to forgiveness. I hope the latter will come in time, but some things are still too raw and painful.

I'm glad you still enjoy eachother's company. With any luck, your marriage will be stronger for this experience. I know mine is - what a wake-up call it was - but still, I would give anything not to have had this happen to us.

I guess we have all got to accept that this horrendous thing happened and that good has come in its wake. Well done for coming to this decision and you deserve to be happy.

Attila - yes we did relate but I wasnt ready as it was very much moving forward and I was in limbo. Yes he had an affair 16yrs ago which only came to light when I found out about this one. He does talk about it when I ask and I must admit I wanted to know every detail and perhaps I found out too much.

WhenwillIfeelnormal - I echo everything you have said. My husband has tried so hard and I have wanted to put it behind us but wasnt ready to move on, I know it sounds ridiculous but my life was planned out and this wasnt part of it - it blew my world apart and I felt as though Id lost everything. My children I hope have seen that marriages arent easy and if they ware worth it they are worth fighting for. I guess after all this time we have chosen to stay together rather than just being married. We both had our chance to walk away and we didnt and I guess thats worth fighting for. Also I felt up until now that any woman with pride would tell him to f* off and I felt a failure as a strong, independent woman, but now I realise I have the strenght to say Im not throwing it away for pride.

It is a slow process - we are more than 2 years on and i can totally understand where you are coming from.

Something has gone forever and you must accept that - it is a bit like believing in Santa - once that spell has been broken there is never going back. That precious trust has been shattered and i know a lot of people say that relationships without trust cannot work but i have also leaned that there are many levels of trust.

Some people can not be trusted with money (or to walk past a shoe shop without buying ).
But it is about learning to know at what level of trust you are willing to accept.

Try to focus on the things that are better now - i suspect you talk more and in many ways have a better relationship.

Also dont think that everything will be rosy from now on - and try not to let everything link back to the affair (this is hard and i do think both my h and i struggle with this). You will still have arguments - that is normal.

You certainly have not failed in trying to get over this and give your marriage a chance.

I think you must try not to focus too much on the future - one thing i have learned is that nothing is certain and so now i live much more for today.

I also think you should not say to your h you will never forget - i should think he never will either - but you must now try to have new memories together.

For me a big turning point was when we had a holiday together and i looked across and knew i wanted to grow old with him. But like i say - that may never happen and so i try and live and be happy now.

Also dont put pressure on yourself - if in the future you are no longer happy you dont have to 'stay' married.

Anyway good luck and you are not weak for wanting to do this.