Really scared that DH is mentally ill

[passionberry]

DH has always been quite extreme - he gets really angry / stressed, sometimes over big things, sometimes over quite trivial things. The flip side is that when he's enjoying life he is really fun to be around and is my best friend.

We are trying for our first baby at the moment - I have posted before on the conception threads.

Over the years there have been a few incidents where he has really lost his temper or got wound up over something (usually work related) and punched a wall or kicked something. He has never been agressive towards me at all but this behaviour does scare me.

He has been stressed about work recently and also family members who are seriously ill.

Last night he got so wound up that it really frightened me - I have never seen him that bad before, he seemed in his own world - like I couldn't calm him down. He was crying and he bit his knuckles till they bled (that's what really shocked me) and he chucked his phone really hard and broke it.

He told me that he thinks he's going mad and has been getting really bad headaches and can't concentrate at work.

I really don't know what to do - for a start I feel that we should postpone trying for a baby. I don't know whether he could handle it at the moment. I am paranoid he's going to walk out of his job - and worst case senario, really hurt himself.

He just seems to be getting worse each time he has one of these episodes.

Has anyone got any advice or experienced something similar? I can't talk to anyone in RL.

Oh lord. I think he needs to see his GP. It sounds as if there are enough stresses in his life atm and the GP might be a good start. Perhaps put the baby off for a while until you see if he improves.

passionberry, he needs to be checked out. If he feels himself he is "going mad" (and I am not saying that he is, BTW), he may be susceptible to the suggestion to see GP?

He certainly sounds like he has an anger/stress issue, and believe you me, throwing a pregnancy/baby into the mix will NOT help.

Not experienced anything like this but it sounds quite serious - he really needs to go to the GP asap. Could be stress - it effects people in different ways. It could even be a physical problem.

Do not even consider getting pregnant at the moment. This will only add to his stress and feelings of things being out of control. Until you have one, you never really understand how hard it is looking after a new baby - it puts stresses on the most stable of relationships. It is really really hard for the first couple of months and you both need to be as mentally fit as possible for the job.

Get him to his docs before he has a total meltdown. Then when you know what the matter is and how his problems can be addressed you can return to thoughts of babymaking.

Thanks all. I think I will have to talk to him about the baby issue tonight - I just feel so disappointed, I thought we were in a really good place at the moment. But you are all right - I can't see how he would cope with more pressures on him at the moment.

He has just been promoted at work as well - so I thought things were going well, but it's like he can't cope with the extra pressure . ..

I think he will have to go to the GP - it's almost like self-harm or something.

Hi passionberry

My DP is similar - never actually agressive towards me but I've lost count of the number of times he's smashed his mobile phone up or punched a wall or a window.

If he's willing to see his GP that would definitely be the place to start - even if it's just for the headaches, which are not something you should ignore.

At least he's letting you in. My DP refuses to admit there is any kind of problem. Now you mention it he has, in the past had bad headaches which just seemed to go away again on their own.

I'd be really interested to know how he gets on with his GP, what treatment is offered etc.

If your biological clock can handle it, definitely put off TTC for a little while. I'm pg with the angry man's baby and tbh, it's not at all what I would have wished for my first pregnancy.

Feel free to CAT me - I wish I could offer you some better advice, but I'm a friendly ear if you need it.

passion - fwiw I've been in a place like that before. You feel as if the world is a terrifying and untrustworthy place and the only place you are safe is asleep. Hurting yourself seems to get the stress out a bit. I was not so extreme but pretty bad. I am on citalopram and it helped massively.

Thanks Queenoftheharpies, I really needed to hear from someone who is in the same boat!

He does let me in emotionally that's true - but he can't seem to control his temper.

Hope you're ok - it's so hard isn't it! Why do they have such rage with their phones!?

I'm actually hoping i'm not pg this month now.

Thanks OrmIrian - yes I am wondering about medication, will google citalopram.

Not sure if I mention medication to him, it might freak him out.

hope he's ok actually, I left him asleep this morning (with my mobile to use for the day as his looks to be beyond repair). I do love him so much

It is very good that you are there to support him, obviously passionberry, at the same time it is even more important that he sees that there IS a problem and seeks and accepts help for it.
Do not fall in the trap of feeling responsible for him/his feelings/how he deals with them. Much as people certainly can make each other UNhappy, it is not in our power to make anybody happy other than ourselves, IYKWIM. I have been watching my brother for years now trying to "rescue" his mentally ill wife, and it is heart-breaking. They have a little girl, too, to consider, so really TTC should wait, IMO.
Good luck, both of you .

He definitely needs to see the GP.

I heard of someone who attacked his wife, completely out of character. He had a brain tumour.

I really don't want to worry you but your DH could have a medical problem rather than a mental one.

the phone is a bit of a symbol isn't it? representing the outside world and all of its unreasonable demands.

I would leave it to the GP to discuss medication with him OP. Might be better received, and anyway he needs a diagnosis first. If I were you I would be pushing for him to have the headaches seen to and suggest gently that he mentions the rage while he is there.

Well, he thinks he has got a brain tumour.

His dad was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour recently and DH's moods have been much worse since then.

I don't think it's likely that he would have the same thing as his dad but obviously he should mention this to a doctor.

Thanks for all the help - I've never started a thread before and am so pleased to get all this feedback.

I will post back with an update tomorrow.

Good luck passionberry.

He sounds like he's under MAJOR stress. I hope everything works out for both of you

Tension headache much more likely than brain tumour so try not to worry too much until he has been seen.

Good luck!

PS: Do you think he might find it helpful to read this? Only show him if you feel it won't annoy him - or just leave it lying around ...

I hope you get an appointment and get help for him.

I can understand him worrying about having a tumour with what has happened with his father but doing nothing won't change that. If he has, he can be looked after.

Yes, stop with the TTC and get him to see the doctor. It may well be a stress problem or something that will respond to medication. However, it's not your job to just live with it, particularly if it's getting worse. He is an adult. Your wellbeing matters too. You are not obliged to live in a constant state of tension about what will set him off next.
Just one note of caution though: does he flip out in front of other people, or is it just in front of you? Because if it's the latter, tread carefully: angry men who only display anger at in front of their partners are more in control of their feelings than they want you to think.

Sorry for the delay in getting back here.

solidgold - yes, it does seem to be just in front of me . . . i wondered about this myself, he must have some control of his feelings because he wouldn't flip out like this at work or in front of a friend. So he must save it up for me?? great! Maybe I am a safe person to express all this anger with?

Anyway, we talked about the doctor - he is considering it but he doesn't have time this week (he really doesn't, is on a course for 3 days). I will keep pushing for that.

He was very apologetic when I told him how upset I was. Everything has been very calm since.

Thanks for all the advice anyway. I will post again if there are any developments.

He sounds incredibly stressed and it is all building up inside. His outlet seems to be exploding and throwing a phone or whatever but the stress is escalating. The promotion at work, his dad's illness, potentially being a father. Everything is probably weighing heavily on him and if he doesn't have an outlet for it all it has to come out somewhere. The headaches are probably stress related.

He really does need to go to the GP to make sure. Some anger management techniques and some relaxation techniques will also help.

I do feel sorry for men sometimes. We women tend to open up to people and generally deal with issues like this whereas men often bottle them up.

yes this was my ex.

he thought he had a brain tumour too. he didnt...

he needs to see GP and he needs to accept he needs help. (he might not agree to either)

how much is atention seeking/how much is genuine mental health/distress?

you neeed to be prepared to call 999 if he is "going mad" and self harming - have the police/paramedics take him to A&E, they will get a psych nurse to assess him . (it is hard to do that - i should have done so on so many occasions - also he begged me not to tell anyone ...eg when i found him with blood all over in kitchen having stabbed his thigh with kitchen knife...

go see his GP yourself if you can and explain what you are seeing.

the anger - get hold of lundy bancroft book and read - why does he do that inside the minds of angry and controlling men - so you can decide if he IS a controlling angry abusive man or not.

my ex also took on more work, got more stressed etc before he had his major psychiatric crash - but looking back was always extreme as you say.... he began the self harming march/april 2007 - i t got worse and more frequent, i attended gp appts etc with him, he refused antidepressants, refused to accept help.... in july 2007 he blew completely and attacked our son and me.

later, his psychiatrist told me a lot of his isseus were personality (anger etc) NOT mental health (some debate over whether personality disorder is mental health? anyway...) i eventually learned his anger etc was more abusive than mental health...

anyway .... you need support to deal with this - go see your gp and tell him/her what is going on - if same practice/same GP as your h so much the better.

get your h to the gp, go with and make sure you tell everything, the self harm etc.

if on an evening or weekend he is scaring you with his behaviours - please please dial 999 and get the police/paramedics to see him at his worst - for his sake and yours.

get a trusted friend or relative on board and have a code word to use - as he might go wild and dangerous if he thinks you calling 999 - eg you call your friend and say "can you get me some flowers tomorrow" and she knows it means "dial 999 get the police/ambulance here quick!...

if he calms down when they arrive then at least he will know you are seriously concerned. and you will get an inkling if what he can and cannot control.

ps actually if you dont have children to consider then when he gets bad, you walk out of the house with your mobile and dial 999 and get police/paramedics to deal with him.

you need to take this seriously.

he needs to know you taking it seriously.

it may be stress etc but his reactions are too extreme - he needs help.

and as he has shown anger - you need to be very careful.... breaking things, objects is one thing - my ex did this too - but it doesnt take much to turn that anger onto a person.....

Whilest I agree in principle C'estlavie, I think the real solution is to persue the GP route, get him to look at other de-stress activities - go for a run, hypnotherpy etc. Maybe even give up the promotion and go back to a less stressful position. Although I am sure all of this is extremely distressing for you, it does not necessarily need to end in catastrophe and people can turn themselves around. Make the GP appointment for him and insist he goes as soon as there is a window of opportunity.

Hi passionberry, I can relate to this completely. While I obviously can't diagnose
I can say that this sounds like some form of extreme stress (which can also link to depression and anxiety). You say your dh is on a course this week (?), this kind of commitment to work over his health in the long run, must not continue. I basically burnt myself out, was drowning in stress until the point where I ended up taking an overdose, just to find a way to numb the pain. What I should have done and (after extensive counselling) I would do if I was in this situation again is to stop work straight away. This is what your dh needs to do, he needs time to feel space and he will only get this from rest. Don't even mention to him about TTC, jus say that you are really worried after last week and that you want to support him, tell him you will go to GP with him. It is often hard for someone in this situation to describe their symptoms, but I was happy for my DP to describe what he had witnessed. There is light at the end of the tunnel (I promise) and it may not take as long as you may think. Asking for help is the hardest thing, once he is there it is just a case of finding what works for him. You sound amazing (as my DP is), a year on I am getting married next week and expecting a baby - though still under care of GP and still on medication.

So sorry this is so long, but it is something I feel so strongly about.