Relationship brain dump. Feel ravaged by relationship with DS's dad. How do you rebuild yourself when a relationship 'breaks' you?

[BecauseSheSmiles]

Have namechanged for this.

My relationship with DS's dad - we got together in our late teens - ended recently. We'd been separated for some time, but trying to work it out. We're now in our early thirties.

I feel OK with the split itself. I am devastated for DS, but know it is the right decision for Xp and I, on a personal level.

What I am not OK with is the state of my head. The part of it earmarked for relationships, at least, feels ravaged. And my self-esteem is shot away.

My self-esteem was pretty low when XP and I met. I didn't realise it at the time, but looking back I can see that I chose someone (XP) who would keep it that way.

I put up with a lot of infidelity. I told myself this was because I was liberal (which I am, but even so), and also for DS's sake. I now believe I didn't think I could do any better than XP. My expectations were so low.

XP raised issues he had with my appearance and attractiveness throughout our relationship. I feel pretty sure there was chemistry between us in the beginning - fireworks. But I think he wanted lightning bolts, which I suppose is what he kept seeking with his roving eye. He said to me a few days ago that he knows he could never be faithful to me, but could be loyal - he believes - to a woman with whom he has 'animal attraction'. That feels crap. Close friends have told me I'm 'stunning', but I simply don't see nor feel it.

Over the years we were together, and not helped by the examples set by my parents, I haven't been all that nice to him at times. I read through the emotional abuse thread and thought, my God, I have done a few of those things to XP. I can't work out if this was inevitable, given the resentment that built up in me towards him over the years, or if I suck at relationships too.

I feel furious with myself for putting up with being treated so abysmally for so long; for spending my twenties with a man who, in his heart, didn't really want to be with me and didn't find me attractive. And I am disappointed in myself for behaving less than respectfully towards him.

When I'm ready, I would like to meet someone I click with - someone who's on the same page as me - but I feel devoid of relationship know-how. I don't trust myself to treat someone consistently respectfully; I feel untrusting of others' capacity to treat me respectfully; I can't tell the difference between being assertive and rude, or between kindness and being a doormat. And my self-worth and self-image are on the floor.

My teens, defined for me by my parents' arguing, blended into a toxic relationship. How now, at thirtysomething, do I begin to learn how to understand and 'do' relationships well? I'm in no hurry to find a new partner, but I'd like one in time, and I know there's a ton of work to be done in the meantime.

Maybe you need to sort yourself out first. Learn to be independent so that you don't need a man to complete you.

Your relationship with the ex has done a lot of damage and you can repair that by starting to do things solely for you. Be happy with yourself in terms of the way you look, your environment, your work (if you work), go out, have fun with friends. OK, it is not easy but you can do it one step at a time. Make yourself responsible for your life and that way you become more protective of it and not so willing to allow someone in incase they try to wreck it.

I also like the idea of acting like no man is worth your time. This (for me in the past) has had the effect of repelling the arseholes, cock lodgers and the wasters because I think they can spot vulnerability a mile away. Being fussy has its benefits. The right man will persevere with you in a very nice way and the right man will show you exactly how much of an arse your ex is by being lovely.

Work on yourself first and forget the idea of meeting a man for the moment.

In answer to your question in your title, you do it slowly.

It takes time to rebuild yourself, to get over certain things, to recover as it where, and to mourn the loss of what you wanted and though you where getting into at the start of the relationship.

I agree completely with holygaucomole in that you need to be independant so you don't need a man to complete you, and I'd add that you need to learn to love and respect yuorself first, as an independant person, before embarking on new relatinships.

In fact, I agrfee with everything HolyGuacamole has written, it is an excellent post.

Baby steps, one day a t a time, rediscover yourself, take up interests and hobbies that you used to have but that fell by the wayside during your relatuonaship. Take up something new, try new things, be brave, surprise yourself.

you be nice to yurself.. you do things for you that make you feel good.. you get to your happy place.. and the rest just comes along.

Thanks HolyGuacamole and Overmydeadbody. Helpful posts - make complete sense.

Is it realistic to love and respect yourself all the time, though? I can't imagine reaching that place, although I can imagine feeling better about myself most, or at least more, of the time.

I have hobbies and interests aplenty, which I plan to give some extra welly to. Will need to sort babysitting for DS, but this should be possible.

Baby steps. I think I'll brainstorm all the things I could do to help get me back on track, then work through them bit by bit. I want to be alone for a while, but I think I'd like a relationship again in time, and I realise that I need to do things differently from now, for a healthy, happy one to be possible when the time's right.

I am knackered today - haven't slept so well this week - and so am a bit emotional and irrational. Seeing things more clearly after reading your posts, though. So thanks again.

Thanks BCNS, too.

I think it is realistic to try to love and respect yourself all of the time, yes. You may not always like the way you behave, but you can still love yourself. It's like with your children, you love and respect them regardless of how they are behaving or what little terrors they have been or if they're drinving you crazy, you just don't always like their behaviour.

Like you I wasted all of my twenties with a total arse of a man. When I eventually got out of it in my early thirties I determined to enjoy being single and I did (although not for as long as I should have)

The thing is, yes, you do need to work on yourself as the others above have described so well, but even so you are probably going to have a few false starts when you do get out there seeing men again.

What I had learnt from my previous bad experiences (which were a result of my self esteem) was to abandon ship as soon as it became apparent that a relationship was going nowhere or the guy was too flawed to be a realistic prospect as a partner. No hanging around thinking I could "fix" him, no making excuses, no thinking I was "overreacting" to dump him cos the guy had been caught out in a lie or whatever and definitely no thinking things were "my fault". Any crap and they were out the door.

A proper relationship is one in which your partner is your best ally, who wants you to be happy and whose happiness is interlinked with yours. They are kind and never seek to hurt you but always treat you with respect.

Everyone deserves this in a relationship and you shouldn't ever settle for anything less. Being independant will really help you to achieve this.

Brilliant post there by MrsBoogie, especially the proper relationship line... that is really what it is all about. If you start doubting that those common basic needs are not being fulfilled then it's question time. It should come naturally and equally.

As everyone has said here, steady yourself first, relax and reach the point where you know your shortcomings and accept them as part of who you are. We all have them but it shouldn't be something that makes you continually on the brink of despair with yourself. There isn't a perfect person, but when you are completely at ease with yourself, you'll meet that someone that doesn't pounce on those weaknesses as a chance to take advantage and put the boot in.

Your post was very touching as I see a lot of this in myself, (as a few of us on here have said). I am single (with a BF) that I keep at arms length for the many reasons you state. First, I am looking after myself because I now CARE about myself and don't see that proving my worth is by putting up with being put down. BF knows this and doesn't see it as a weakness but part of me that needs care and tenderness.

Rest yourself and love yourself and grow. Feel at ease with who you are and eventually you'll get used to this 'new I love ME' phase and everything will gain a different perspective. It happens slowly, but you have to let it happen at it's own pace. Good luck.

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