How do you cope when your DH can't switch off from work?

[Enthusia]

I am finding the constant phone calls (on days off) and obsession with work hard to cope with, especially with 2 small children.

Anyone else out there with the same problem?

Yep. 10 years of it. I got my own life in the end and didnt give a flying fanjo about his.

Sorry - not what you wanted to hear, but when I finally went back to college instead of wishing he would spend "family" time with us instead of on the phone or lap top, it made me feel a lot happier.

Sure there will be better answers than this one

yep, and it got a hundred times worse with the arrival of the dreaded blackberry

i have no suggestions tbh. I have talked and talked and talked with dp about this until I'm blue in the face and he can change for a while but always reverts.
thing is, in our situation, I can understand why he wants to get stuff done out of the office. But that doesn't make it any easier to accept, and it does feel that he puts work first most of the time.

he is supposed to switch the phone off in the evenings and over the weekend so that he doesn't get bothered, but is "allowed" to have it on for maybe half an hour each evening sat/sun to catch up with imp e-mails.

it usually ends up getting left on and him checking it every 5 mins though

Yes, the Blackberry is a nightmare. DH switches it off when he is on holiday (or at least he is meant to, but I sometimes find him checking it).

Yes - DH is the same. I used to be bothered about it but these days I'm so glad he's still got a job that I don't mind so much.

Yes, my H was the same. (We're getting divorced now.)

You can't make them switch it off, but blackberrys are a nightmare. I think it makes your H ill, thinking about work all the time. The danger is that work takes over and they slowly disengage from family life. The only thing you can do is say that you worry about him, how it is affecting him not being able to switch off and join in family stuff and that you feel he is missing out. My experience is that he won't turn it off if you say it is about he is not giving you or the family attention, it has to be about him missing out and that you only want what is best for him.

mumhiding I am trying that at the moment as it really is affecting him. He is out of the house from 7-8 and works 5-6 days a week. Is usually off Sundays and sometimes one day in the week. The day in the week is awful though as it is constant phonecalls, yesterday he walked out of dropping my son at playgroup to make a call and left my son upset that Daddy didn't say goodbye.

I love him dearly and really feel for him as he is being torn aprt between home and work.

My DH has his own business so is quite bad with this. It only really annoys me that he is sat at the computer or on the phone during the two hours of the day that I hate the most 5-7pm or when we are at home at the weekends and he will sit in the office all afternoon. I do whinge at him and he will come out of the office at the weekends if the whinging is bad enough but I leave him to work during the week as I know with yuor own business you have to put the hours in.

Thing is the moment the kids are in bed he is straight off the PC. Don't get me wrong he loves our kids and likes taking them out and about at weekends but I do wonder if he works at home to avoid them a bit..... Makes him sound like an a*hole and he isn't but I think a lot of Dads do it. Many may disagree however

My OH sounds similar to this, constantly checking his emails, on the computer or phone. It bugs the hell out of me. If he ist checking his emails he is lookinng at cars or checking out the news. Mornings, afternoons, evenings, first thing in the morning. He is only home at weekends to and i am left all week with 2 kids and no company.

My dh got cancer (all sorted now) once he was forced to be off work for a couple of months and also forced to face his own mortality he soon calmed down about work. Even now he does at times get a bit obsessed, but he tries to keep a check on it. I only have to give him a withering look and he soon puts the blackberry down.

Absolutely relate to all this. My DP is (and I hate this label) a true workaholic, super conscientious, does colleagues' work for them, works much harder and longer hours than his bosses, and comes home and is straight onto doing something essential on one of many PCs. I am actually going through a bit of a solo-crisis on his behalf as he doesn't seem to mind himself. I'll let you know if anything gets resolved, meanwhile more tips would be gratefully received.

enthusia, one thing that seems to have helped the most for us is that during one of our many chats about this I asked him how he wanted our children to remember him (i mena, not like when he is dead, but how they look back on their childhood)
because at that moment in time all they would remember was seeing daddy at the weekend, being told to be quiet because he was on the phone, or being told to stay out of the office.

wouldn't it be nice, I said, if they could look back and remember a dad who played with them, who was fun, who enjoyed being with them rather than seeming to want them out of his life.

I think this is a personality trait, not easy to change, perhaps you could just focus on the positive side, which is that he will probably do better at work if he is like this than somebody who is more family focussed?

what job does he do?

DH often goes into work extra hours,has calls every day off and works holidays etc.

He would much much rather be with my dc and i so i don't mind as much as i used to. I accept more now that he earns the money to keep us in this house and the time he does spend with the dc is quality iykwim?

Does suck sometimes tho

yes, but doing better at work is no use if your family end up leaving you because you can't be arsed to spend any time with them

My observation is that there are 2 main religions for men:
1.Spending time at work with aim of providing for family financially
2.Spending time with family aiming to provide emotional and practical support

It is unfair to expect much material wealth from practitioners of religion 2 and unfair to expect much practical and emotional support from practitioners of religion 1

Do not expect men to change religion after having met you/ had kids as this is unrealistic

Thanks for all the support. Didn't think I'd be on my own but I feel it sometimes!

My DH is a car sales manager. He has to work Saturdays in this role which I understand, and I can understand the late nights and early starts, especially as he works over an hour away. What really bothers me is that we are second to work. I know that he is lucky to have a job at this time and that his hard work pays off at work but it does come at a price.

Hingakiu, your OH sounds the same, mine also works later than others and does their work and the bosses do not seem to care, they just see that my DH will do it so let him.

It is definitely a personality trait, my DH has lways bee loyal and constientious, but sometimes I really want him to put family first. He is a great guy, great father and I love him to bits but there is a sort of split personality. Work DH is stressed, distracted, worried and fidgety, whilst home DH is calm, funny, wam and sensiive. I fear we are losing hom DH to the uglier brother!!!!

thisyesterday you make a good point saying to ask him how he wants to be remembered by his DC when they are grown up. That puts it into perspective.

Euthesia The thing is, you cant change your H and his approach to work. You can encourage and support but that's it really, he is a grown man who makes his own decisions and you're not responsible for that. It may change in time, maybe this is just a tough time.

It might be worth asking him how he feels about work, then you could pick up if he is worried about not keeping up, about redundancies, about wanting to forge ahead etc.. At least you would then understand why it is so important to him and that might make you feel more understanding towards him when he does it. Try not to put any hint of criticism in there when you ask him, keep it very light, otherwise it might make him defensive and not achieve what you want.

I used to hate H's phone and his laptop, my heart would sink when he was constantly on the phone. H seemed to use work often as a way of not joining in the routine bits of parenthood. My H also worked long hours and often came home at 8-10pm. I felt so alone a lot of the time. I could cheerfully have thrown his phone in a big lake. I wouldnt recommend getting annoyed with him if he is a workaholic or to keep asking him to spend more time with the family, as it could have the opposite effect (as I said H & I are now getting divorced). As another MN said, at least he has a job.

The only thing you can do is try to understand what his job pressures are like. And talk to him about what he wants from his life. And share the bits he is missing with the DC. You never know, if you arrange fun days out without him he might feel he is missing out - (Wouldnt it be great to say this is a phonefree outing so you can come or we can go on our own!! You could always take DC together to a nice swimming pool where phones arent allowed...! Cinema. Tromping through streams with wellies on in a valley where the phone reception is poor..!)

Good luck honey, I know how hard it is to feel their work is taking over your lives. xxx You can end up feeling like a married-single-parent a lot of the time.

Sorry Euthasia, cross posted. Just read your latest one. Your H sounds lovely. Conscientious, kind, good father. So he is lovely when you do have his attention. That's nice.

Am also married to a workaholic, hence me posting on a Friday evening as he is still not back from working away.

I hate the Blackberry with a passion, he has to check every message the second it comes in and it's so anti social. I fantasise about flushing it down the loo.

I do often think how much he's missing out on family life (and the daily drudgery too!)