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Original poster

writing a letter to my absent Dad

24 replies

biglips · 02/05/2005 10:06

i havent seen my Dad Xmas 2003..mum and dad been divorced 10 years now and Dad is an alcoholic. i have given birth to my DD last october and he hadnt bothered to ring me only my nan had (Dad's mum) as dad gave my nan my phone no and nan said to me you do know that this is your Dad's first grandchild? and i said yes i know and he aint acting like a granddad, so nan said he will get on to him.... that was when DD was 2 months old.

Dad had never been a dad to me, more like a father figure but not a dad as he didnt know how to be a dad, he drank alot when i was younger then when i was 10 mum gave him the ultimate to give up drinking or marriage, Dad gave up drinking for a year and slowly went back on to the drinks, from then he drank every Sat which he get bladdered, since he divorced my mum, he drink day in day out and it upsets me alot. Now ive made a decision that i dont wants to take my DD to see Dad as hes always drunk (and ive asked him twice not to drink as i wanted to talk to him but hes there drunk)....

Dp suggested to write to dad and give him the option.. havent got a clue how to write the letter....

OP posts:
Original poster
biglips · 02/05/2005 10:08

and plus he didnt turn at my engagement party which was last May so since from then he not rang me.. he told my nan that hes waiting for me to ring him why me!! (over the past 10 years i have been seeing him on and off, on and off)

OP posts:
Original poster
biglips · 02/05/2005 10:40

bump

OP posts:
coppertop · 02/05/2005 10:45

Would he be able to travel to your house to visit? I'm just wondering whether having to get across town/the country might give him an incentive to cut back a little on the day he would see dd. If so then you could centre the letter around the invitation to your house/somewhere neutral.

Original poster
biglips · 02/05/2005 13:29

dad hadnt got a car and he lives 15 miles away so its not a simple bus ride as he needs to get 2 trains and a bus to mine but im the one with the car.

OP posts:
MeerkatsUnite · 02/05/2005 16:49

An alcholic's primary relationship is with drink and everything else comes a poor second. You have seen this with your own childhood.

I honestly don't think that writing a letter will have any effect on him. You've given him enough chances in the past and its just been thrown back at you.

Have you ever contacted Al-anon?. This group is especially for people whose family members are alcoholics. They may be able to advise you further.

MeerkatsUnite · 02/05/2005 16:51

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF

Tel: 020 7403 0888

Original poster
biglips · 02/05/2005 17:51

well i have never gave him the option before as before we sort of see each other for couple of weeks and then dont see each other for couple of months. i dont see why i have to chase after him all the time (but i know one of us gotta make a move).. As he didnt turn up at my engagement party he was relieved that he didnt turn up incase of being drunk, so i thought right thats it he can sod off but it had been niggling in the back of my mind as i thought he will contact me once DD was born and he would see a new light - obviously not

OP posts:
Original poster
biglips · 02/05/2005 20:08

bump

OP posts:
Original poster
biglips · 02/05/2005 23:24

bump

OP posts:
Original poster
biglips · 02/05/2005 23:42

can anyone help? or ill figure out myself of how to write the letter...Dear Dad.......

OP posts:
lou33 · 02/05/2005 23:48

Do you feel you need to explain your decision? You haven't seen him for so long, I wonder if writing the letter is necessary. Certainly v hard knowing where to start

Original poster
biglips · 03/05/2005 00:03

well i know i need to write a letter to dad as it had been niggling me for a while so i thought just give him an option so i know where i stand and get on with my life properly

OP posts:
lou33 · 03/05/2005 00:04

ikwym, but it made no difference to me when i did it, apart from being called a nasty bitch

Original poster
biglips · 03/05/2005 00:05

ooh sorry it happened to you X

OP posts:
lou33 · 03/05/2005 00:07

not exactly the same background, but i felt i had to write a letter setting it all out to him. I just wonder if it might open you up to tirades of abuse from him, that's all.

Original poster
biglips · 03/05/2005 00:09

hmmm ! dont know but at least i know where to stand though and i can explain to my DD about her "Grandad"

OP posts:
lou33 · 03/05/2005 00:10

Well, sorry I can't help you with the wording, but good luck.

How old is dd?

Original poster
biglips · 03/05/2005 00:13

she is nearly 7 months old but it would be a shame if he is missing out....i know this is hard as the alcohol is involved, my mum wants me to wash the hands of my dad but.... dont know what to do.

OP posts:
lou33 · 03/05/2005 00:24

well from my own experiences i found that the only person my father was bothered about was himself.

Fio2 · 03/05/2005 07:59

agree with lou, my experiences too. Plus he always gives me a good kick in the teeth for goodmeasure

leahbump · 03/05/2005 09:31

I also agree with Lou. Haven't seen my Dad fo over 2 years- he wasn't bothered when ds arrived. I wrote and basically got told I was being a bitch 'just like your mother' (divorced parents!) and to 'go to hell'.

We decided there and then that we were happier without that kind of response thankyou! So I no longer stay in touch with my bitter and self absorbed Dad!

I must say though- having written and had that response gave my decision justification in my mind and helped me to move on properly. I would say this is the only reason to write- to get some finality etc

You may get nothing but abuse though.....

Original poster
biglips · 03/05/2005 09:56

well leah, thats what i wants to do is to write to Dad and see where i stand, if he doesnt wants to know that i can move on forward properly.. My Dad doesnt say a bad word about my mum as Dad still wants mum back but mum moved on now and dad always talked about my mum every time i see him.

OP posts:
lou33 · 03/05/2005 11:03

Biglips, where you stand is where you want to be, if that doesn't inclde your father then don't let it, and don't let him have the say in your emotional security.

I am sure your dd has plenty of people surrounding her who love her enormously, she won't suffer from not having him in her life, if that is what you want. My oldest is 13, and has never met my father, and i hope she never does tbh, though it would be her choice when she was older, if he was still alive. None of my lot have suffered from not having him about, in fact i think had he been involved they would have spent many eyars feeling let down and disappointed by him.

MeerkatsUnite · 03/05/2005 12:34

Biglips,

Your Dad is certainly missing out on a lot of things in life but as previously mentioned, his primary relationship in life is with drink. Nothing else matters. My guess also is that he has not yet his his absolute rock bottom.

In such circumstances I would not contact him at all but I can certainly see why you feel writing a letter may be a cathartic experience for you.

I wish you well, would also suggest you speak to Al-anon too.

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