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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

paternal grandparent issues

11 replies

furbie · 07/05/2009 16:21

Imhaving issues with the paternal grandparents - and extended family. My childrens father passed away last August aged just 32, however i had left him in April 2007 as he was violent and controlling along with his mother. The day that i left him she came round and attacked me in front of my 2 children who were absolutley distraught, i had to phone the police and they told her to leave and i stayed with my parents. She then phoned my parents house over 80 times and screamed down the phone at my dad ! the threats and abuse continued until Jan 08. My children did have contact with them while my ex had access every thursday. When he died they said they still wanted to see them, which i have not denied, even though ive had huge resavations about it. In November 08 the childrens aunt on paternal side started shouting at my neighbours telling them i was pregnant and we were moving away to stop them seeing the children (which was a lie) i spoke to my ex mother in-law and she denied any knowledge. Then the children came home after seeing them saying my partner is not their dad and he cant tell them off ! and that i shouldnt of bought a new car i should buy them new clothes "thats what nanny said" the latest crime is that because the grand mother hates me so much she has bad mouthed me to the rest of the extended family and we have been reported to social service for abusing my children, we have now been cleared but it was incredibly embarressing and stressful. I have now stopped contact as i believe they dont have my childrens best interest at heart. Of course the threats have started via texts again and im waiting for a solicitors letter to arrive. I dont want my children to go through any more heartache than they already have - can anyone tell me if i have a good enough case against them to not allow access ? What is the matter with some grandparents !!

OP posts:
Greensneeze · 07/05/2009 16:25

As far as I am aware (and I have done some work on it, I have a nightmare estranged family too) grandparents have no rights in law

they would have to apply for rights to access, and it is virtually never granted if the parent is against it

HOWEVER the only few cases I have heard of where grandparents have been allowed access against the parent's wishes it has been in cases where one parent is dead/absent and it is that set of grandparents who are baying for access. So if I were you I would not be panicking , but I would be consulting a solicitor and keeping notes/records of their abusive phone calls and texts, in case you later need to evidence their unsuitability for contact with your children.

Someone much more knowledgeable than me will be along soon though, I am sure....

mrsboogie · 07/05/2009 16:25

I don't think you have to allow access at all furbie

TweetleBeetle · 07/05/2009 16:28

I think I would just move, change my number and not tell them! Then they can;t abuse you

TwoScrambled · 11/05/2009 10:54

Keep as much evidence as possible, even if it all dies down for a while, record everything.

StewieGriffinsMom · 11/05/2009 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MsMargotBeauregarde · 11/05/2009 12:41

Wow. have to go out now, so just marking this. Have had similar experience with my controlling abusive x's mother. She is insane and deluded, and has channelled all her disappointment into demonising and hating me. Has been unbelievable.

TwoScrambled · 11/05/2009 15:03

What Stewiesmom said, so much better than I did! Prepare now and they wont have a leg to stand on. If it all goes quiet and nice, watch out as they may have had advice.

"its worth getting your legal ducks in a row in case they get worse or try to pursue the matter further"

and for your peace of mind.

chanelcandy · 11/05/2009 15:21

I would add that once you've listed everything they've done regarding harrassing you, go back to the police station and report all of it as a crime. You don't have to take it further but at least it's all on record. If the in laws do threaten you with legal action, you can inform them that you have everything they've done documented with the police which should put them off even trying.

MsMargotBeauregarde · 11/05/2009 18:41

Yes, keep proof of everything abusive they've ever done, and like a pp says, if it all goes quiet, they have probably just taken legal advice. BUT, they probably won't have told their solicitor how they used to send you abusive text messages at 4 am calling you a lazy bitch (or whatever.......)

So, your solicitor can send their solicitor a letter saying 'eh, no chance amigos' and it'll all die down.

My xmil can NOT be civil to me. Sometimes I feel sorry for her. She did love the children but he was unable to see clearly. She blamed me for 'making up lies' about her son, and for going back to my family area 'out of laziness' and how I left her son for 'an easy life' and that is only what's repeatable!!! The other things she said about me in angrier moments turned the air blue. Like the OP, my xmil was so angry she ranted at my parents over the phone and they were astonished I'd got myself mixed up with such a family.

She doesn't see the children anymore because she can not be civil to me. I'm not asking her to fawn all over me. ONE almost sincere apology for all the abuse and insults and accusations and an assurance that the histrionics were all behind her and I'd allow her to see the children. It's sad I suppose. Why do people push people away by trying to control them.?

furbie · 11/05/2009 19:55

thank you for your advice, it has gone quiet at the moment which isnt like them at all so im waiting for the postman to push me a letter, which ive decided to ignore the first time, we are moving either this week or next and im not giving them my new address.... life is hard enuf without people like them. My kids come first and thats whats important to me.

OP posts:
MsMargotBeauregarde · 11/05/2009 20:19

yes, when my children are older and if they ask why grandma B (for bitch lol) is a total stranger, I suppose I'll have to say it's because she was so relentlessly, aggressively nasty and disrespectful to Mummy. Hope they realise I didn't do it for fun.

When I left her son, I even wrote her a nice letter saying that she would still be their grandma and that I wasn't trying to cut her out of their lives and that i'd make my share of the effort to get them together. All very reasonable I thought. NOPE. She could have had a good relationship with the children. maybe she should have gone on to grandmasnet.com!! vented a bit and got some advice before she insulted me and my parents for six months solid. NOW she is martyr mode.

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