My husband has left me - horrible lies and circumstances

[Minstrelsaremarvellous]

Just looking for comfort really. 3mths ago my husband announced that he had had an affair last May-July and that the woman was pregnant and having his baby in a few weeks time. She had a baby girl at the start of March.
He cleared out immediately and over the last 3mths I have worked so hard to reconcile the marriage and My husband was gobsmacked that I wanted to even try. He only made a final decision to leave 2wks ago and has since announced that he is leaving to go to the US with his present girlfriend and new daughter. (we were due to relocate there in Jan - had been house hunting etc). He has cut contact with his family and friends too and is being completely unreasonable and offensive.
Have had legal advice and am starting to look forward. I always knew whatever decision he made would be the right one for me. I don't want a coward who runs from problems but it is still horrendous.
Our daughter is 20mths old - she was only 9mths old when he had the affair. He is NOT the man I married and I have told him that he is totally unrecognisable to me.
He seems to think he is going to visit us every 2wks which I find hysterical.
I want to vent every ounce of anger on this woman but keep a mini chant in my head to maintain the moral high ground. I KNOW this relationship won't last for him and I expect him back grovelling in the future.
I sometimes wonder how to get through this. Family and friends are being amazing but the impact of single parenthood and starting again is frightening. I'm 35 with all my friends married with kids.....
AARRRGGGHHHHH!!!! What an emotional rollercoaster. Also - does anyone know what contact I have to allow him with his daughter. (I am happy to have SOME just so she can learn what a rubbish, disloyal, lying father he is!)

that you are going through this.

Did you have no inkling that there was nothing wrong in your marriage until your husband told you about his girlfriend's pregnancy?

what an arse he is.

Let him have as much contact (up to half-time) as that will be the best thing for her. If he goes I seriously doubt that he will come back every two weeks but look how great you look at being reasonable.

Well done for taking the high road

You poor thing.

your ex sounds like a c*nt. I know is is easy for me to say but it sounds like you are better off without this twat.

Your life can only get better from now on.

OMG, how awful for you.
There are lots of lovely MNers who can offer great, firsthand advice (unfortunately).
Well done for being so dignified.

Agree with Lizzylou, your post sounds very dignified.

Your h sounds like an arsehole, I don't even know what else to say.

Sorry to hear this has happened to you.
There are no rule as to how much time you allow him with your dd - its up to you.
I have always let my ex see the dc when he wants to and they are definitely happier for it, although it has broken my heart at times sending them to him when really I wanted to punish him.
You sound like you've handled it with great dignity so far. Its not so bad being a single parent and I'm sure it won't be forever - I hope when he comes crawling back to you, you have met someone wonderful and you can take great pleasure in telling him to off.

Gosh you poor thing he sounds awful!

Your life will get better, and at least you haven't wasted half your life on this man like some poor wives do. In a way it's good he has shown his true colours early on. for you though.

Why is he/were you moving to US? Was it for work reasons or just different lifestyle? Cannot comprehend how he can up and leave his 20m old daughter to head off for another country!! [ANGRY]

You poor thing, but you sound storng, and you will get through this. You are better off without him and you know it.

I'd recommend making a formal contact arrangfement, whatever the two of you work out, as this will be best for your DD. He is mad if he thinks he can relocate to the U.S and still see her every two weeks though.

Just out of interest, if he visits every two weeks is he planning on staying at yours?! You said he cut off all contact with family and friends. Obviously you can't have him thinking he can come to you every two weeks and stay with you.

And if he ever comes grovelling back, don't take him back.

No intention of taking him back - and no - he won't be staying at mine. He will have to go to hotels etc. It's going to send him into horrendous debt.
I knew something was up and last Nov asked him if he was having an affair. He travels for work lots and put it down to stress, jet lag etc. We were due to go to US as his job has relocated him over there. It's very easy to accept an 'odd' husband when we had moved house, moved back from abroad, young daughter etc. Still, am relieved I wasn't totally blind.
What incenses me is that he told me he never wanted this other child - and begged his 'mistress' for an abortion and that he hoped it would all 'just go away'. And funnily enough, out of all the lies and deceit I DO believe that.
I look at him and can't see the man I married. It's so bizarre to feel love and hatred at the same time.

He may go into debt - but dont forget he needs to provide for you - so make sure you get a maintence order for you and your DD before he gets into too much debt. Get yourself a good lawyer who can get the ball rolling now wrt to getting his finacial status checked out so you can have a fair share of what he has/is getting now.

Dont worry about keeping the high ground - it can be a loney place - but one day you will have to have contact with her and i firmly believe she will always 'worry' about you.

When my FIL died his wife (the ow he left my MIL for - 30years previously) was so worried that MIL would turn up at his funeral and make a fuss . Er no she had got over him a long time ago. But it did make me think and have an inward smile that it still bothered her iyswim.

She will always have to wonder about you too dont forget - and everyone knows that she is really not worthy of your thoughts on any level.

Your h is living a fantasty world and i also believe it will come crashing around him. You dont recognise him as i suspect he is so ashamed of who he is he is having to deny it to himself.

Take care of yourself now.

I think that your ex is a twat and sooner or later he will get his comeuppance. I agree that you shouldn't worry about the ow as she is probably sweating secretly. He did the dirty on you and he will probably do the smae to her. She has got her comeuppance. She is stuck with him. Karma is a bitch!
Angry on your behalf though.

That is sad. But 35 is still very young- you have years and years ahead of you and life will pick up. Many women these days don't get married til they are 35 or more- so plenty time left yet.

OW has definitely got the bum deal with this one, whereas the only way is up for you.

I know - and fortunately you have made me smile again tonight while I'm feeling a tad weepy. The OW can have him and I totally believe it is going to go utterly wrong for him which does make me a bit sad. (Not that I intend to take him back, but I will always love the man I married, not the kn*b he has turned into).
He has sent me some dates to come and visit our daughter but we've already hit issues as he wants to take her out of nursery early to spend more 'quality time' together. Have had professional advice though and I'm sorting stuff out. It breaks my heart to think about handing her over for the weekend though. I know she'll be fine but it does feel wrong.
I know I am best off without him, but I can't help but wonder, and feel shocked. How the hell did this happen?????

to be honest,do you really think he will maintain a relationship with your dd? cos i don't. its unfeassible. he's likely to spend her childhood letting her down. keep a diary...and write all his contacts down. if he keeps them up and maintains their relationship,all well and good....but long term,dipping in and out of her life will only cause her emotional harm,that will be the time to get tough with him!

I know that it's a distressing time for you, and your husband is a wanker, but you seem strong!

Your post comes across as positive in face of adversity and not at all pitiful (sorry, you know what I mean). You seem like a survivor who won't take any crap.

As for your husband, how on earth is he going to manage to see your daughter every two weeks when he lives in the US? If he has LOADS of money, get it now!!!!

I know he wants to see your daughter, but he can't take her out of nursery on any whim! She needs continuity, routine and stability in an already upsetting time.
It's really not a case of him saying/demanding 'jump' and you saying 'how high' to accomodate him.

By all means, allow acess in holidays and weekends, not in school/nursery time. If he doesn't like it - TOUGH! He should have thought of that before!

Keep strong, you'll be fine.

Much love!

I know - my solicitor suggested that I let him take her early this week only (as a goodwill jesture) so that we have the moral high ground for financial negotiations in the future. He won't have loads of money though and has admitted he will just go into debt. Have got all legal stuff in place so we don't suffer for it (h doesn't know it either).
I'm not sure if he can really maintain the contact he seems to think he can. Already my weekends are filling upwith friends and family helping me out and so he won't see her after this Friday until June. Just a joke and I think the consequences of his actions and choices will soon strike home. He made this choice. He will be the one suffering with a splinter of guilt for the rest of his life (and I am sure I'll meet a lovely man who my DD will call daddy and that will really irk my H!)

if cafcass and courts get involved,then standard contact arrangements tend to be every other weekend. but with small children its little and often that seems to work best.....how in this situation,i don't know!!

and if he says he'll just get into debt over it,then i'd suggest to him that this won't be in your daughters best interests. how will he pay maintenence? how will he fund seeing her once all his money has dried up? i'd be asking him some very awkward questions!!