Anyone adopted a new Mum?

[Mumfun]

After realising for many years relationship with mother wasnt great, have gone no contact recently and feel much better. (very long story!)

But all Ive gone through had really made me realise what a hole Ive got in my life - Id love to have a mum figure there to chat to and to care for me. Ive only realised recently how lovely it is to have a special relationship with your mum - from what a few friends have with theirs.

Ive just thought about whether I could find someone like that . I do have some lovely relatives and think Im going to work on my relationship with them but none is quite right to be a mum figure.

I do know a friend in this situation and she has a great relationship with an aunt which helps her.

So just wondered if anyone has set out to find a mum figure. Also interested is anyone has done any other stuff in this situation or do you usually fill the void with partner, friends etc

When my DD was 6mths I advertised for an 'energetic, sympathetic and experienced fairy godmother/mother's help for exhausted young mother.

From this advert came a woman, who yes to start with I paid, but after a few years we were very close and she fulfilled the mothering role I had so sadly missed out on for most of my life.

She would leave jars of flowers she had picked on my doorstep if she was coming into my town to shop (she lived 6 miles away) and do little things which meant a lot.

I have moved now and don't see her so much which is a shame but she was great when I needed a kind ear.

a lady I met at work is like my fairygodmother and is my lifeline - she is like a granny to my dd's and will be DD3's godmother come Sunday

she doesn't act like a mother figure but she's there if I need her and you can't put a price on that

Sadly my Mum died about 5 years ago, so I too have a hole in my life .

However what I really wanted to say was whilst it is lovely to find a 'new mum' please tread carefully with respect to any other parent-child relationships (if your 'new mum' has any).

I ended up living a long way from my Mum, and although we spoke on the phone, and she visited 2 or 3 times a year, the distance meant there were many things we couldn't share (shopping trips, days out, grandchildren visits etc.)

My Mum got to know someone through some charity work who was in a similar situation to yourself I think, and this woman 'adopted' my Mum as her 'local mum'.

I guess I was a little suspicious of her motivations at first (she wasn't very well-off, and my Mum used to spend quite of lot of money on her). I suppose I was probably a little sad and jealous too, as this woman was occupying a space where I wish I could have been at times.
On occasions when I was at my parents' house I sometimes saw this woman and she would tell me things my Mum had said about me and my family (not necessarily bad..) but it felt inappropriate somehow.

Not sure what I'm saying, other than tread carefully, and think of other family members too?

I agree Legacy, my fairy godmother had 2 sons around my age but they lived miles away and didn't come to see her that much.

They treated me rather coolly when I met them, she was fairly well off but so was I so it wasn't a money thing more a jealousy?

About the time my DD went to nursery part time, so she wasn't working for me, she started looking after her grandson. His parents lived in London and drove him down (50minsish drive) on a Sunday night and she took him back Wed/Thurs. So actually she was too busy to see me so much after that. We went to around once a fortnight, but that tailed off a little over a few years.

My MIL has become my mother figure (yes it does happen!)

I lost my birth mother and have a terrible relationship with my maternal grandmother who raised me.

To some extent no one will completely fill that void, but I know MIL will be there for me

I agree with Legacy in that you need to go carefully about any existing relationships.

My Mum has a niece from my Dads side who has a bad relationship with her own mother and is always crying on my mums shoulder and telling her that she wishes she was her mum instead and I feel like punching her!!

Im not particularly jealous I just feel that she uses my Mum and unfortunately my Mother gets sucked into things very easily and usually ends up with egg on her face, also Mum is disabled yet ends up ferrying her around to hospital or on errands (even though she has passed her driving test!)
She rings Mum daily when things flair up with her own family but then wont ring for weeks/months when its ok!

Im not saying you are like her in anyway btw just saying that it can cause frictions.

I dont think you can really look for someone though, but I do hope you find someone in your life who can help fill the void x

I am really lucky as I have lots of Mums!
My own mother died when I was quite young but the ladies from my village stepped in as 'unofficial mums' and have always been there for me when I needed advice or mothering.

Have namechanged for this...a few years ago while single I made friends with an older woman from work, and we got quite close. I started to rely on her for things, invited her to spend time with me and the kids, stay the weekend occasionally etc. I really thought of her as a second mum (mine has been dead for many years), and I think she was a bit lonely. Anyway, the upshot was that she had actually fallen in love with me and saw our closeness in quite different terms to me- when she told me, I reacted quite badly I'm afraid, but I was pretty shocked. Things went rather nastily in work for me after that, and she got stalkerish, walking round with red eyes etc and spreading rumours about me. I changed jobs in the end just to get away from her.

This is probably irrelevant to you, sorry. Your OP just rang a bell with me

I'd love an adoptive mum but haven't really found one with the exception of an old teacher of mine who sort of acts like an adoptive mum but can be intensely irritating and bitchy about other people at times!

I fill the void with friends. It's not the same but it's something.

I have a mum sized vacancy too! I have a biological mother ie she is still alive but she was never my mother in the real sense ie there for me when I needed her and loved me unconditionally.

I have no idea how to fill the void as I don't see how anyone other than one's mother would feel unconditional love for another person. I have a friend who is quite motherly towards me but that's about it. DH wants me to be his mother so no chance of any mothering type behaviour from him!

It's a loss and it's painful to bear, but I can't see what can be done about it.

Sorry, that's not what you want to hear is it?

I find this thread odd. My mum died a couple of years ago but no way would I look for anyone to replace her. I suppose it depends on how old you are. As a mother myself and a woman who's never enjoyed being fussed over I don't feel the need to be "mothered". I miss my mum, but that's missing her as a person. No-one can replace my mum and I don't feel any need to try and replace her, any more than I'd feel a need to replace either of my kids if anything happened to them.

Rebecca - sorry to hear you've lost your mum.

When you've had a mum who's mothered you or loved you, you could never really understand wwhat it feels like to have missed out on that.

In the same way, I can't imagine your grief.

I don't think it's odd to grieve for a mum who has died - hopefully you can see we grieve for something else we perceive we have lost

oneplusone

i too never had a real mother and although i would have LOVED a mother but cannot really miss what i never had....

wish my dcs had a granny though

rebecca, my mother has not died, she is still alive and kicking. It is just that she was never an actual mum to me, bar feeding and clothing me. I have 2 young DC's and I give them so much of myself emotionally, I talk to them, listen to them, make sure they each have one to one time with me, lots of hugs, cuddles, I love you's, and I am fiercely protective of them to the point where i have even surprised myself at how willing I am to speak up on their behalf if i see they are not being treated well by others be it children or adults. I had none of this myself from my own mother, like I said all she did was feed and clothe me and then ignored me all my life.

So now I don't see her at all, I have chosen to end what relationship I did have with her. It wasn't hard as it was very superficial anyway, we were more like strangers than mother and daughter.

oneplusone - i empathise completely

i never had a mother in the way i mother my bairns

paulayates, sorry to hear you know what I mean. It's sad isn't it? To have never had a real mother, just a cardboard cutout one.

Perhaps you would like to join us on the Stately Homes thread in Relationships? You'll find lots of like minded people on there.

I was definitely talking about the situation where you are raised by a mother who doesnt love you unconditionally and wholly. I as Mogwai says cant imagine the grief of losing that person and am deeply sorrry for those who have.

I have just recently had a lot of personal troubles -and would love to have had a mum to support me. My mother was instead horrible to me and told me it was my fault - so I have completely gone no contact - much healthier when your mother behaves as mine does.

I also had a daughter a couple of years ago and has also really brought it home how I treat my daughter and how my mother treats me

Really interesting to hear others stories. Thanks Legacy for the warning - hadnt thought of that and it is a good point!

and Taleto Tell - had never thought of that - wow!

And GentleOtter - that is a lovely story!

onepplusone thankyou - i have often considered that Staely Home thread but am coming to the 40 years too late conclusion that the woman does not deserve my ruminations.

Not worthy

I have a mother who disowned me 2 years ago and dad took her side.
I don't have any siblings - my parents were the link to the whole family too.

Not even got a best friend anymore either. Gosh, no wonder I feel so empty inside. Would love a surrogate mother. Just one who respects me, listens to me and gives me a hug every once in a while......

Such a dark valley to be filled.

Totally understand where youre coming from Purpleone. Very sad.

I am fortunate to have siblings.

I am also planning to build bridges with the rest of my family - I want to do this so I dont go through my mother. It is a common situation to be in touch with extended family through your parents - some of them might appreciate you getting in touch yourself. Worth a try?

What I think you're looking for is someone who says "yes, yes, that's enough about the kids, what about you? How are you, and how is that boil on your bum?" .
It's a lovely relationship to have, and those of you who have one count yourselves lucky. I have spent years training DH to fulfil this need in me.
My own mum died 13 years ago and despite her best intentions MIL just isn't right for me. I'm not one for friends. I adore my older sisters but they tend to see me as the dc's mum now. My health worries and emotional wellbeing come second to what I'm doing as the dc's mum (although they would be concerned as obviously this would infringe on my performance!).
DH has become very good at this over the years and takes the time to stop me in full flow and say "yep, ok, but what's happening with you".

I feel exactly the same.

I long for a mum.

I can't believe I'm reading this thread and realise there are other women out there who yearn for a mother. I have a biological mum (a useless one) - and I was just saying to my OH a couple of weeks ago that I wished I had a mum.

I will check out the stately home mum thread.